Flex Officer (noun):
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
You: “Why the hell am I getting mandated again?”
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
by BigDaddyBear53 July 4, 2025
Get the Flex Officer mug.This Guy is the Boddest guy ever.
No CAP.
Cool person, holds it down for anybody but if u mess with him he will cut u off. Mo Flex is cute, tall most of the times
He's simply Mr. steal yo girl. So attractive, tends to cheat a lot but all the girls still crush on him.
No CAP.
Cool person, holds it down for anybody but if u mess with him he will cut u off. Mo Flex is cute, tall most of the times
He's simply Mr. steal yo girl. So attractive, tends to cheat a lot but all the girls still crush on him.
by 32453qa July 17, 2018
Get the Mo Flex mug.
The product of one god, Phil swift himself
He has rained down on us the perfect bondage for leaks
The ultimate repair for literal anything
He saws a boat in half and fixes it with only one of his great marks left flex tape
He has rained down on us the perfect bondage for leaks
The ultimate repair for literal anything
He saws a boat in half and fixes it with only one of his great marks left flex tape
“To show you the power of flex tape I SAWED THIS BOAT IN HALF and repaired it with only flex tape!”-the god himself
by MoLeStMaN December 5, 2018
Get the Flex tape mug.If your wife is cheating on you use flex tape.
You wanna stab a goat use flex tape.
Kids haven't eatin in 7 days use flex tape.
Prostitute runs away, use, A GUN.
Gay person runs closer use A GUN.
You wanna stab a goat use flex tape.
Kids haven't eatin in 7 days use flex tape.
Prostitute runs away, use, A GUN.
Gay person runs closer use A GUN.
by Hyphen_ July 5, 2020
Get the Flex tape mug.by Herbonics February 18, 2021
Get the Plex Flex mug.by GhostOnThe5thStreet January 28, 2021
Get the Flex player mug.