Raptor Jesus

Raptor Jesus appeared before me, and he said: "Take heed my son, for there shall be many who doubt me, but whosoever believeth in me shall have everlasting life." I wept with joy at the gift bestowed, "Yet, my lord, what fate shall be given to the unworthy?" He answered: "Their entrails shall be rent from their stomachs, their limbs ripped from their torso, to feast our hungry bodies, and restore our souls. Whensoever you feast upon the heart of thine enemy, think of me." For that is the beauty of Raptor Jesus.

One day, Raptor Jesus walked a busy street with his disciple, Anonymous. Anonymous and his like-named brethren populated the land on which they strolled, as common as blades of grass. They walked, discussing many things, but, Anonymous paused for a moment. “Lord?” he spoke, “Is not this idle talk frowned upon by your father?” And quoth Raptor Jesus; “All voice communicates knowledge. Knowledge is hardly frowned upon by anyone, and thus your ‘idle talk’ does not exist, unless you speak of memes. Memes are idle, as they are merely communication of things all know of” And thus our Lord beckoned to a painting of an insanely smiling man. “However, memes can bring laughter and happiness, thus, one can surmise that He enjoys them, and hardly frowns upon them” And Anonymous looked ahead, silent.

by Anon Divad January 2, 2008

East Jesus

way the fuck out there

damn, the parking lot was full and I had to park in East Jesus

by d5 and d3 April 11, 2000

Junkyard Jesus

The most epic character from your town. Usually has long hair making them resemble Jesus.

We love you junkyard jesus, make love to me junkyard jesus, please.

You may think he is an every day Joe becuase he works at walmart but the truth is he is Junkyard Jesus.

by lendf8930 May 8, 2011

Jesus Jitters

A sports reporter's awkward, stammering reaction after a seemingly innocuous question is greeted with a completely unsolicited Bible-Thumping answer: see Erin Andrews' interview with Josh Hamilton at the 2009 MLB All-Star Game or any interview ever with Kurt Warner.

Susie Kolber: Kurt, I see that you are wearing new cleats tonight, any comment?

Kurt Warner: Without the grace of our risen Lord Jesus Christ there would be no cleatts, praise His name.

Susie Kolber: yes...umm...of course...uhhh...back to you Berman!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Jesus Jitters!

by rak5877 July 13, 2009

Jesus Lord!

To be very shocked

Jesus Lord! that’s expensive.

by Ivy’s December 5, 2018

by da jesus

A Newfoundland saying, often said when one is becoming stressed out or annoyed.

"By da jesus! Dat car almost rear ended me!"

by Marzocchi66 December 3, 2007

binge Jesus

When you decide to spend your morning, afternoon, or weekend watching The Chosen. When you look forward to the next episode of The Chosen and what will be revealed to you; Watching The Chosen over and over again because it is such a blessing; knowing you will see something new that you did not see the previous time. Becoming so familiar with The Chosen that reciting their lines becomes a game you play with your friends and family. Sharing The Chosen with every person you know and asking them to share it with every person they know and so on and so on...

I am so excited to binge Jesus today with the watch party we set up. The Chosen is such a great show that I now binge Jesus at least once a week.

by Jesus Super Freak July 25, 2021