The story of Albert Patrick is most certainly one that belongs in the history books of every eighth grader in this great nation—not because it’s very important but because it perfectly encapsulates the true nature of America. It’s a story of crooked Jewish lawyers paying scumbag valets to poison the living shit out of rich white men. It’s a story of heavily racist trials and the crooked American judicial system that, at the same time, points out how American privilege can get you out of any sticky situation. It’s a story of a prestigious American university teetering in the balance between the forces of good, evil, and something in between.
Basically William Marsh Rice was this rich white guy who amassed a fortune (probably clubbing seals and black people with his famed pimp cane). Towards the end of his life he became so worthless and decrepit that his hooknosed lawyer, Albert Patrick, hatched a pretty awful scheme to make off with Rice’s fortune. The idea was to alter Rice’s will which, at the time, earmarked his entire estate to the creation of a educational institution in Houston, Texas, that would teach young white males to club seals and African Americans. Allegedly Patrick asked Rice’s valet to pull a Sixth Sense and poison Rice slowly and surely. The slowly and surely thing didn’t work out so the valet just sort of chloroformed Rice to death one night. Smooth move.
A trial ensued thanks to that meddling Captain James Baker. Basically, it was a slam-dunk trial against a Jew in early 1900’s New York, dooming Patrick from the start. It was also one of the most publicized trials of the century, up until the OJ Simpson case. Apparently, America loves ethnicities committing atrocities. AP got his parole opportunity several years later, got the charges against him dropped, after which he moved to the inland United States and—I’m not making this shit up—helped to found a church.
Fast forward and Rice University is now standing. There’s a residential college—Will Rice College—and there’s a new dorm section that actually points away from the main quad. We’re going to call that the 80’s and the 90’s These rooms are also known as Albert Patrick College, so I’m told but God knows whose idea that was. Traditionally these rooms “break off” from WRC at some point during the spring and throw a party.
Basically William Marsh Rice was this rich white guy who amassed a fortune (probably clubbing seals and black people with his famed pimp cane). Towards the end of his life he became so worthless and decrepit that his hooknosed lawyer, Albert Patrick, hatched a pretty awful scheme to make off with Rice’s fortune. The idea was to alter Rice’s will which, at the time, earmarked his entire estate to the creation of a educational institution in Houston, Texas, that would teach young white males to club seals and African Americans. Allegedly Patrick asked Rice’s valet to pull a Sixth Sense and poison Rice slowly and surely. The slowly and surely thing didn’t work out so the valet just sort of chloroformed Rice to death one night. Smooth move.
A trial ensued thanks to that meddling Captain James Baker. Basically, it was a slam-dunk trial against a Jew in early 1900’s New York, dooming Patrick from the start. It was also one of the most publicized trials of the century, up until the OJ Simpson case. Apparently, America loves ethnicities committing atrocities. AP got his parole opportunity several years later, got the charges against him dropped, after which he moved to the inland United States and—I’m not making this shit up—helped to found a church.
Fast forward and Rice University is now standing. There’s a residential college—Will Rice College—and there’s a new dorm section that actually points away from the main quad. We’re going to call that the 80’s and the 90’s These rooms are also known as Albert Patrick College, so I’m told but God knows whose idea that was. Traditionally these rooms “break off” from WRC at some point during the spring and throw a party.
by DJ humble July 14, 2006
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A type of species which tends to have sex with women and infect their bodies with his semen. It is a dirty horndog. He will hump and dump women all day. He has an odd fetish though for Asian women. He is also a large carrier of Sexually Transmitted Diseases. So vagina's should watch out.
"Yo did you hear last week Alberti did that asian chick after only knowing her for 5 minutes"
"yeaaa, i haven't heard from her since though, she's been going to the doctor's everyday to get her std's checked out"
"yeaaa, i haven't heard from her since though, she's been going to the doctor's everyday to get her std's checked out"
by quackersmcgee December 24, 2009
Get the Alberti mug.The single coolest kid that wasn't in our crew in MS 51. He did moonsaults and stunners for Hot Dogs.....HALF EATEN hot dogs (No Homo)
"Hey Fat Albert!"
"What?"
"Give that girl the stunner"
"No"
"Would you do it for a hot dog?"
"HELL YEAH"
*Stunner*
"What?"
"Give that girl the stunner"
"No"
"Would you do it for a hot dog?"
"HELL YEAH"
*Stunner*
by Azurebaijan February 13, 2005
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* 2005 National League MVP
* Five-time All-Star (2001, 2003-06)
* Pujols has finished in the top four in the voting for MVP of the National League every year of his career, winning once (2005) and coming in second three times (2002, 2003 & 2006).
* National League Batting Champion, 2003
* Only Ralph Kiner hit more home runs (215) in his first five seasons (2001-05) than Albert (201).
* Named to Major League Baseball's Latino Legends Team in 2005 as the starting first baseman.
* First Cardinal Home Run in New Busch Stadium9
* Became the 35th batter to hit four homeruns in four consecutive at-bats, and the 20th batter to hit four home runs in four consecutive plate appearances, on April 16 and 17, 2006.
* Holds the record for most home runs in the month of April with 14 in 2006.
* Became the fastest player in Major League history to reach 19 home runs in a season, doing so on May 13, 2006.
* Became the third-fastest, after Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire, to reach 25 home runs in a season, doing so on May 29, 2006.
* Became first player in MLB history to hit 30 home runs in each of his first six seasons (2001-06).
* Became the 16th batter to hit three home runs in a game twice in the same season in 2006 (04.16 & 09.03).
* 20 of his 49 home runs accounted for the game-winning RBI in 2006, breaking Willie Mays' single-season record set in 1962.
* 2006 World Series Champion.
Awards:
* Rookie of the Year, 2001
* Three-time Silver Slugger (2001, 2003-04) (Note: Pujols has won a Silver Slugger at three different positions: First Base, Third Base, and Left Field).
* National League Player of the Month for both May and June 2003 and for April 2006
* Hank Aaron Award, 2003
* TSN Player of the Year, 2003
* NLCS MVP, 2004
* National League MVP, 2005
* Gold Glove Award at first base, 2006
* 2005 National League MVP
* Five-time All-Star (2001, 2003-06)
* Pujols has finished in the top four in the voting for MVP of the National League every year of his career, winning once (2005) and coming in second three times (2002, 2003 & 2006).
* National League Batting Champion, 2003
* Only Ralph Kiner hit more home runs (215) in his first five seasons (2001-05) than Albert (201).
* Named to Major League Baseball's Latino Legends Team in 2005 as the starting first baseman.
* First Cardinal Home Run in New Busch Stadium9
* Became the 35th batter to hit four homeruns in four consecutive at-bats, and the 20th batter to hit four home runs in four consecutive plate appearances, on April 16 and 17, 2006.
* Holds the record for most home runs in the month of April with 14 in 2006.
* Became the fastest player in Major League history to reach 19 home runs in a season, doing so on May 13, 2006.
* Became the third-fastest, after Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire, to reach 25 home runs in a season, doing so on May 29, 2006.
* Became first player in MLB history to hit 30 home runs in each of his first six seasons (2001-06).
* Became the 16th batter to hit three home runs in a game twice in the same season in 2006 (04.16 & 09.03).
* 20 of his 49 home runs accounted for the game-winning RBI in 2006, breaking Willie Mays' single-season record set in 1962.
* 2006 World Series Champion.
Awards:
* Rookie of the Year, 2001
* Three-time Silver Slugger (2001, 2003-04) (Note: Pujols has won a Silver Slugger at three different positions: First Base, Third Base, and Left Field).
* National League Player of the Month for both May and June 2003 and for April 2006
* Hank Aaron Award, 2003
* TSN Player of the Year, 2003
* NLCS MVP, 2004
* National League MVP, 2005
* Gold Glove Award at first base, 2006
"In the air to left field, and Pujols has given St. Louis the lead! A dramatic, towering, three-run home run! Stunned in disbelief here in Houston. … How about Albert Pujols!"
-Thom Brennaman on Pujols 9th inning 3-run homer against the Astros, Game 5 NLCS
-Thom Brennaman on Pujols 9th inning 3-run homer against the Astros, Game 5 NLCS
by pujolsrolenedmonds52715 July 20, 2008
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