Yeah, no I'
m gonna do an exodus one.
God "Hey! Hi! Moses!"
Moses "
Um... Yes? Can I help you?"
God "Yeah, actually. I need you do to me favor."
Moses "Who... Exactly are you?"
God "Oh! Oh, right. Yeah, I'
m the guy. I made all the stuff. What are you calling me nowadays? Elohim? Ha! I'
m asking but... Well... You know."
Moses "OH! Oh! That- I... Yes! Yes, what can I do for you, lord? Anything!"
God "Yeah, hey, go tell Pharoah to give me all the
Jew-slaves... Make him give me the
Jew-slaves.... And those cows. I want the cows too."
Moses 😨 "Wh... What? How? I can't..."
God "No... You can. Tell him to give me the slaves or I'
m going to kill all of his kids. Or wait, no! I'
m going to kill all of the kids not just his- NO WAIT! Even
better! The first born sons of every
man and woman in Egypt! THAT'
S who I'
m going to kill. All the first born sons."
Moses 😱 "I can't tell him that! He's going to kill me! Why would he even believe me!? Why can't YOU just tell him!?"
God "No... No, I
don't really feel like it. I want you to do it... So... You'
re doing it. Hey, and tell him about the frogs. But no, you're
fine. Go tell him the thing. Here- Go, take this magic stick."
*Hands Moses stick*
Moses "
Um... Frogs?"
God "He's not going to want to do it so I'
m gonna make it rain frogs.... And crickets... And I'
m going to turn all the water into
blood... And, like, 7 other things... Gonna do a bunch of stuff..."
Moses 😨
God "..... Oh, damn it. Is the times broken? Did I... Hold on a second- Er... Heheheh... Nevermind. Hmm... No... The times is on.... Huh... So... You're just standing there I
don't understand what's happening right now."
Moses 😨
God "Okay... Go do the thing. I
don't think I could have been any more clear about this. Times is on so why-uh... Are you not doing the thing?"
Moses 😨 *Walks off*
God 😮 💨 "I gotta get a better handle on this 'times' thing
man... Is it moving? Is it not? I can't tell the fucking difference... 😮 💨 Yep... Yepyepyep... HEY!
DON'T FORGET THE COWS!"
EXODUS
