by Kitty Kitty March 31, 2005
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by YouSkeletonGirl April 24, 2009
Get the hehbeb mug.One of the funniest commedians EVER, matched only by Dane Cook. Died tragically in late March by a combination of drug abuse and a life-long heart problem... :(
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for...(laughs) That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for...(laughs) That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.
by REDWHITEnCrue25 August 13, 2005
Get the Mitch Hedberg mug.(Her - Bert) The generic term used to describe moronic sub-humans who loiter around outside tacky fast food resteraunts and off licences. The term can be used in conjunction chavs and janners.
As a social class the Herbert prefers Burberry knock-offs Argos jewellery and cheap cider. The males are individually weak and easily scared off, yet in groups they can be intimidating bastards who will try to ponce anything from cigarettes to small change off you.
Herberts are not only recognisable by their shitty dress sense they are also borderline Neanderthals. They possess no grasp of wit or irony - they are proud of there ignorance and take pleasure in insulting anyone with a grain more intelligence than they possess. I imagine that's why they are so obnoxious to everyone...
As a social class the Herbert prefers Burberry knock-offs Argos jewellery and cheap cider. The males are individually weak and easily scared off, yet in groups they can be intimidating bastards who will try to ponce anything from cigarettes to small change off you.
Herberts are not only recognisable by their shitty dress sense they are also borderline Neanderthals. They possess no grasp of wit or irony - they are proud of there ignorance and take pleasure in insulting anyone with a grain more intelligence than they possess. I imagine that's why they are so obnoxious to everyone...
I was walking past the off-licence at 10 last night and i encountered a group of herberts - one stood up next to me and demanded that i blix my watch to him.
I pushed him over and stampted on his head 18 times... At this point a police officer stopped me and took over.
I pushed him over and stampted on his head 18 times... At this point a police officer stopped me and took over.
by Marwick84 September 30, 2005
Get the herbert mug.Little Church Boy: Wow Jesus, you really must have been popular!
Jesus: *stares*
Little Church Boy: uhhh your giving me the hebe-jesus
Jesus: *stares intensely*
Jesus: *stares*
Little Church Boy: uhhh your giving me the hebe-jesus
Jesus: *stares intensely*
by Hebe-Jeebies July 18, 2014
Get the hebe-jesus mug.He is the most handsome guy ever, he is sweet and humble, he is often seen like a rude person but has the kindest heart ever, he puts others before himself and is the best person you can ever have in your life, also he is a great lover and best friend to have .
by Venomous2069 September 10, 2020
Get the helber mug.