Soccer Mom

If you see her, run. If you talk to her, run. If her kid attacks you, expect to be in court. Just stay away from this beast of burden.

''C'mon Dorothy time for soccer practice!''
''Hey mom your a soccer mom''
''Yeah i know.''
''Cool.''
''Karen.''
'EXCUSE ME SWEETY , IS THAT HOW YOU SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER IM GOING TO TALK TO THE MANAGER ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE MISS.''

by heretoraidanddestroy September 29, 2020

Soccer Mom

A white suburban mom, from 25 to 50 who refers to her kids as her “Precious Little Angels”, and shields them from reality constantly. They are not allowed to watch any movies rated over PG-13, and they can fuckin forget about watching any R-rated movies. Also not allowed to play any games not rated E. Also not allowed to interact with “the wrong crowd”. This includes, but is not limited to, anyone who isn’t white, anyone who isn’t a fundamentalist Christian, and anyone who doesn’t believe in right-wing bullshit. Also she automatically assumes that anything that isn’t Christian is either atheist or Satanic. She drives a “safe” 45 in a 70 mile per hour zone in her massive minivan or SUV to protect her “Precious Little Angels”, who are still in rear-facing carseats at ages 10 and 12. Usually also a Karen. Will often call the police when something doesn’t go her way or to discipline kids other than her own, and more often than not the cops are on this bitch’s side. If you see her, RUN AWAY AND GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HER AS POSSIBLE.

Me: WHAT THE FUCK BITCH? YOU WERE DRIVING FUCKING 45 ON A FUCKING HIGHWAY!
Soccer Mom: YOU WILL NOT USE SUCH LANGUAGE AROUND MY PERFECT LITTLE ANGELS! MY KIDS ARE HONOR ROLL STUDENTS AND GO TO CHURCH!
Me: YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH REPAIRS ARE GOING TO FUCKING COST?
SM: LANGUAGE AGAIN! HEY, WHY ARE YOU DRIVING A PRIUS LIKE AN ATHEIST INSTEAD OF A MINIVAN, SUV, OR TRUCK LIKE A CHRISTIAN, YOU LIBERAL HEATHEN!
Me: WHY DOES THAT FUCKING MATTER? YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THE DAMAGE TO MY CAR!

SM: YOU WILL NOT YELL AT ME! AND IS THAT GTA ON THE FRONT SEAT? VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES ARE THE REASON WE HAVE MASS SHOOTINGS AND SERIAL KILLERS! IM CALLING THE POLICE! (calls 911)
(The police arrived and put me at fault when it was this bitch’s fault. Thank God I have a dashcam.)

by qw3r1y March 2, 2023

Soccer Mom

A soccer mom is an overly-protective mother whose role is to live the life of a child herself. She drive a huge ass SUV. She is usually shallow, ill-informed, self-indulgent, insecure. She assumes that “family value” kids like hers can do no wrong. She has never elevated herself from the high school focus of being popular, being “seen”, being “cute.” Her role in life is to “fit in,” her “thinking” is “cliché driven,” she is “family value” focused, but has no real understanding about what the term means and would be at a loss to try to define it. She feels sorry for those who do not have soccer mom credentials, who have no suv, no hellspawn (children), no “fashionably family valued” family like hers. Her hellspawns are an extension of herself, so she herself is a kid, and she molds them, transports them, educates them to think in the same shallow kid-like way she thinks. She is a “control freak” at heart with a mindset that is shallow and mindlessly routine. She doesn’t have the courage, the depth to express herself outside the “group think” of her soccer mom associates, for as in her high school days, she still seeks esteem from others by being popular, one of the gang. Wars, pestilence, poverty, the environment are issues that pass her by and always will. She is a robot, a child who has grown older but not wiser, an american dream tragedy culture has promoted, not having the depth to see or understand the sickness it has fostered

Me: *listening to Metallica in my 1969 Ford Mustang*
Soccer Mom: *drives to the side of me in a suv*
SM: You turn that awful and satanic garbage off this instant!
Me: *turns it to the max*
SM: TURN IT OFF YOU AWFUL MONSTER, MY CHILDREN ARE PRESENT AND THEY WILL GET CORRUPTED THANKS TO YOU!!!
Me: Fuck off, bitch.
SM: THAT'S IT! I'M CALLING THE POLICE, AND YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS IF I SEE YOUR STUPID CAR! NEWER IS BETTER!
SM: *drives away*
Me: Bye bye asshole..

by .u January 17, 2020

Soccer Mom

A woman who takes a nasty, stinky dump all over a soccer ball, then proceeds to lick every bit of it off, while masturbating to naked pictures of Bea Arthur.

I thought I was into skat, but that soccer mom showed me that I have yet to explore the finer points of fecal fetishes.

by Brak January 27, 2005

Soccer Moms

They're are the reason for car crashes , global warming , teenyboppers , frat boys/girls , they mostly stay at home waiting to pick up their "angels" for what dumbass activity their brats are doing , or annoying the crap out some sane person , or causing car wrecks in the air-polluting SUVs , they hate anything that is non Christian (despite being spawns of Satan) , internet , freedom , minorities , anything that will "corrupt" their "precious little angels" , they keep their children away from anything that will make them individual. They also hate gamers and anime fans

Me : *Listening to Melanie Martinez*

Soccer Mom: HEY ! YOUNG LADY QUIT LISTENING TO THAT SATANIC GARAGE YOUR LISTENING TO , YOU ARE CORRUPTING MY BABY

Soccer Mom's kid : *smoking weed behind his mother's back*

Me : You're not my mom

Soccer Mom: THEN I'M GONNA TELL HER

Me : Fine

Soccer Bitch tell my mom

Soccer Mom : Hey your child is listening to this Melanie Martinez

My Mom : So what ?

Soccer Mom: WTF ! YOU SHOULD PUNISH HER FOR LISTENING TO THE DEVIL'S MUSIC

My Mom : *walks away from crazy Soccer Mom *

My Mom: Don't worry *insert name* , hopefully she and her brat will die in a car wreck

And this why soccer moms are pure evil

by ThatOneTweenLoner August 12, 2017

the soccer mom

A cocktail comprising of approximately one bottle of wine and two Xanax.

Kevin's Mom was a nervous wreck until she fixed herself the soccer mom.

by schvety_balls April 6, 2016

soccer mom

A Fundemental Christan Women who claims all who are not Christan is evil her husband is a veteran and she has bumper stickers saying "My Kid is a Honour role student" or "I'm a Soccer mom I can't handle it all" or "Land of the free because of the brave" They stay at home talk to other Soccer moms and are connected at the hip she was slutty in collage that's how she passed doing all the professors male and female. She Got Shit Faced 24/7 found her husband on a bar got married has 7 lil'angles who are total dicks. Named Brandon,Edmound, Harry, Kennedy for the girl, and Kaytlin and Howard who the boys will grow up and be criminals and the girls will repeat the cyle. The Father is a veteran from the Persian Gulf war he came back from Iraq boasting about Desert Storm victory makes SIX Figures at a job such as manager or lawyer or became a cop and makes jack shit. The Mom is afraid that her kids will embarrass her and she wants to make more friends so she drags the kids to soccer games and other sports to smoke a joint and gossip. The father is at the firm or VFW and cheating with the secretary at both. The Kids than Finnish a soccer game and go to karate and they think they can kill somebody because they are in Karate. Than it's 11:30 pm the kids come home do Home Work from Honours Algabera. Than have Bedtime. And the cyle resets than they bring a friend over the kid brings a IPod and the mom finds out and kicks the kid out.

Hey Dan's stupid soccer mom wont let him play GTA iv because it makes reference to the Yugoslav wars and Crime and Drugs

by Haxis288 December 8, 2013