Jonah
The sexiest of men. One smile from Jonah can cause extreme Intoxication. He will always venture to find the ones he loves. He has the uncanny ability to create unnaturally large dookies in just one trip to the toilet. All who see the girth of the crap will gasp in awe. The smell it emits can make one high depending on the size. Jonah is a hero to all who love mystery and memes. No woman can resist the sound of Jonah's voice which is smooth like hard boiled eggs, and deep like slippery dingleberries. When he looks into your eyes, it's like gazing into the eyes of a dead rat: surreal and full of pain. When he holds your hand, you'll want to die because the feeling is so warm and satisfying and it will often lead to instant diarrhea leakage. When he kisses you it's as if all the stars aligned to form a very small but safe turd sailing through the milky way. He will always be there for you, just like constipation. However don't make Jonah angry. He is very protective and will diagnose anyone who displeases him with dysentery.
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