fearman's definitions

scientology

Dangerous cult founded by Lafayette Ronald Hubbard when his shite attempts at science fiction epics failed to make him a zillionaire. Ropes people in by pretending to be a counselling service. Consists of an underclass of ordinary mortals who are charged through the soles of their boots for the chance to grab a hold of cheap electrical gizmos and read still cheaper sci-fi masquerading as a cross between psychiatry and cosmology, and an upper crust of celebrities like Tom Cruise and John Travolta who are treated with kid gloves for their PR value. Among its out groups are psychiatrists and doctors ... well, ya gadda keep the more honest competition away. Avoid if you wish to stay solvent, if you wish to stay sane, if you fancy enjoying some good old-fashioned noisy childbirth ... or if you fancy eating clams.

Scientology. Pulp science fiction's answer to the Mormon Church.

by Fearman November 25, 2007

Mercury

1. Innermost planet in the solar system, and officially the smallest major planet since Pluto was demoted to the newly created category of dwarf planet in 2006. Diameter c. 3,050 miles. Large iron core, pitted surface, negligible atmosphere. Orbital period 88 days. Rotational period 59 days. Surface temperature ranges from minus 180 to plus 430 degrees Centigrade. No natural satellites. Gravity at surface about 38 percent of Earth gravity. Currently (in 2008) being mapped by the MESSENGER space probe.

2. The planet's namesake was the messenger god of ancient Rome, well known for his winged sandals and identified with intersex identity and hermaphroditism. Greek counterpart was Hermes.

3. Stage surname of lead singer Freddie of the rock group Queen. Born Farrokh Bulsara September 5th 1946, died of AIDS-related pneumonia on November 24th 1991. With his band provided much of the soundtrack for various movies, most notably Higlander. A real character.

4. Metallic chemical element, liquid at room temperature, density around 13.5 grammes per cubic centimetre (or times that of water), atomic number 80. Symbol Hg, from Latin Hydrargyrum, derived from Greek form meaning "water-silver". Toxic when ingested or vapours inhaled, affects nervous system, used in barometers, thermometers and numerous other applications.

Mercury has been visited by the spacecraft Mariner 10 and MESSENGER.

Please Mercury, may my courier reach Julius Octavius in time.

Freddie Mercury ROCKED.

Make sure you don't bite the thermometer too hard, or you'll get shards of glass in your mouth and a few drops of mercury down your throat.

by Fearman May 10, 2008

Daniel Craig

After the Bland Bond, the Blond Bond. And am happy to report, this one has style. As long as they keep him for a while, and don't have a Blind Bond. Or Blend Bond.

Daniel Craig. Best news for the franchise since Timothy Dalton.

by Fearman August 4, 2007

Modern Art

Someone bought more burgers and fries than they could eat at a drive-thru McDonald's in the boondocks. Thirty miles down the road they tossed the leftovers out the window. The leftovers fermented in the sun and five days later a great big dog wandered by, thought the mess smelled appetising and ate it. The meal played havoc with the dog's nervous system and it went quite wild. The next time a car came by the dog took a flying leap through the windscreen at a relative speed of almost a hundred miles an hour, killing itself and likely the driver and sending the car out of control. The car flipped over four times and lay on the road, subsequently catching fire and burning out. A milk lorry came over the top of the hill and crashed into the mess, and was followed by five or six more vehicles before the authorities got the faintest notion what was going on and partitioned the area off. Shortly afterwards a Boeing 747 carrying, among other things, a few large containers of yellow paint suffered a blowout and had to descend. The paint squirted out of the plane and splashed down on top of the pile-up. A hitch-hiker came by with a camera and thought the whole thing looked intriguing. He took some pictures and downloaded them onto his computer later on. The pictures were Photoshopped to look a little spooky and later printed in this new form on T-shirts. The photographer's girlfriend wore one of these to an art gallery and he photographed her pulling faces and balling her fists while wearing the T-shirt. Later on, these photographs were projected onto a screen in a display room in another gallery and a painter executed a painting of people in the room watching the slide show. Shortly afterwards everyone involved in the production of all this art - the hitchhiker photographer, the girlfriend, the painter, and all - had the good sense to overdose on cocaine at a party and die shortly thereafter, thereby sensibly removing themselves from the means of production and terminating their financial interest in the process. The painting was sold for £300,000 at Sotheby's and artie journalists claimed it was emblematic of the ultimately existentiallistically meaningless search for meaning within the postmodernist aesthetic.

And that more or less is a typical story of Modern Art.

by Fearman March 5, 2008

necro-reiteration

Mental experience in which you come to believe on numerous occasions that someone must have died a while back, often persisting for many years until you hear for certain in the media that they have just actually died.

I had necro-reiteration about Joan Miro and Evel Knievel for at least a decade before they popped their clogs.

by Fearman January 6, 2008

cable hair

One of those hairs often found growing in facial hair that seem to consist of at least ten normal hairs welded together and that you simply can't resist the urge to pull out; fortunately, frequently an easy operation.

Oh, look. Cable hair. (Pinches and pulls.) Oooohh ahhh, that's lovely.

by Fearman August 30, 2007

Abroccolipse

And then the Lamb opened the Seventh Seal: and yeay, I saw upon a white horse all the little children who wouldn't eat their greens, and all the chunky little greens that they had ever refused to eat fell from the firmament upon the earth in a great cascade of green, and the children descended from the back of the great white horse, and there was weeping and gnashing of teeth and quite a bit of chewing until the sounding of the final trumpets.

The above is from the Abroccolipse of St. Elmo the Vegetarian.

by Fearman February 23, 2008