bromp's definitions

Top-decking

A house guest who defecates in one's host cistern, rather than, more conventionally, in the toilet, for comic effect.

Tony Blair and his wife Cherie were invited round by the Browns to congratulate Gordon on his appointment as Prime Minister. Cherie was furious because she never liked Gordon and wanted her Tony to stay on another 10 years. She said to herself : “I know, I'll fix 'em with a good smelly top-decking after the main course”.

by bromp May 15, 2008

uri geller smeller

A Uri Geller Smeller is named after the man who claimed he could bend spoons and stop clocks just by looking at them, and is the result of a violent incident of "sitting on a mortar" after a bad curry, when the foul miasma emanates from the WC and works its way around the house bending spoons and stopping clocks as it goes.

Postman: "I shouldn't go to number 10 Downing Street just yet without a gas mask, Officer. There's been a Uri Geller Smeller incident! Give it 20 minutes if I were you."

by bromp March 19, 2008

velcrofart

a Velcrofart describes the situation where, to pluck an example out of thin air, a bloke called Binkie has been ordered out of the Dandy Lion Arms, because the fumes from his Arse are upsetting the licensee's children, but when he re-enters the bar, the gut-wrenching stench follows him back in.

Bert - Christ who ripped that one?
Sam - Oh No! Binkie's dropped another velcrofart; they stick to him like Bud Flanagan used to stick to Chesney Allen ...

by bromp April 16, 2009

Pavlov's Log

Humph's and Magna Farta's def. is all very well, yet if I may venture to suggest another meaning: the term could equally well be used to define the onset of defecatory cramps caused by the aroma of ground coffee. Therefore:

" I am sorry, Your Honour, that the Defendant has not yet appeared. He is not however absent in Contempt of Court as I am able to instruct the Jury that Pavlov's Log is held and recongized here by the Court as Mitigating Circumstances. We can confirm that Starbuck's coffee house outside the Courthouse was indeed repsonsible for the onset of my client's bout of Pavlov's Log. He has been detained in the Couthouse restroom and will be appearing in due course."

by bromp May 10, 2008

kettling

is defined in Magna Farta as "the state of being in dire, immediate need of a shit. From the fact that a metal lid placed over one's clackervalve in such circumstances would rattle urgently, and possibly emit a high-pitched whistle to boot."

At the G20 summit, the newsreader said that the Police had been "kettling" which accurately reflects the agitated state of the officers in the protest, so I am not surprised they were clubbing people to death left right and centre.

by bromp July 24, 2009

Stealth bummer

A man who has successfully concealed his sexuality to take advantage of his heterosexual friends.

Bert - "The pub went queer under the new owner, our lawyer friend. No more real beer, no more blazing fire. Now it's strictly for "style conscious gentlemen" only.

Bill - "Yeah we're done for now - nowhere left to go in the village. Sad. And we thought Mike was one of us. He was just casing the joint. Look at it now - all mirrors and pictures of fucking male pop stars and stuff and shitty music."

Bert - "Makes you sick. Our last real watering hole taken out by a stealth bummer!"

by bromp December 18, 2007

Fartistic Licence

The art of creatively reshaping the true facts concerning a past release of Carbon Dibaxide

"Mr Darcy, I find it most difficult to credit your assertion that Miss bennet was responsible for the beefy eggo that cleared the dance floor not five minutes ago.. For one thin, the miasma concerned was distinctly reminiscent of the casserole I observed you yourself consuming last night, whereas I have it on good authority that Miss Bennet is a vegetarian. If that was Fartistic Licence, Darcy, then it was dashed bad form."

by bromp February 18, 2010