bromp's definitions

Stealth bummer

A man who has successfully concealed his sexuality to take advantage of his heterosexual friends.

Bert - "The pub went queer under the new owner, our lawyer friend. No more real beer, no more blazing fire. Now it's strictly for "style conscious gentlemen" only.

Bill - "Yeah we're done for now - nowhere left to go in the village. Sad. And we thought Mike was one of us. He was just casing the joint. Look at it now - all mirrors and pictures of fucking male pop stars and stuff and shitty music."

Bert - "Makes you sick. Our last real watering hole taken out by a stealth bummer!"

by bromp December 18, 2007

mortar

To "sit on a mortar" is to suffer the consequences of a 'dirty bomb' detonation.

"Unfortunately Your Highness, my husband had some dodgy prawn chimichongas for lunch and has sat on a mortar, thus he will not be able to attend tea."

by bromp December 9, 2008

Top-decking

A house guest who defecates in one's host cistern, rather than, more conventionally, in the toilet, for comic effect.

Tony Blair and his wife Cherie were invited round by the Browns to congratulate Gordon on his appointment as Prime Minister. Cherie was furious because she never liked Gordon and wanted her Tony to stay on another 10 years. She said to herself : “I know, I'll fix 'em with a good smelly top-decking after the main course”.

by bromp May 15, 2008

uri geller smeller

A Uri Geller Smeller is named after the man who claimed he could bend spoons and stop clocks just by looking at them, and is the result of a violent incident of "sitting on a mortar" after a bad curry, when the foul miasma emanates from the WC and works its way around the house bending spoons and stopping clocks as it goes.

Postman: "I shouldn't go to number 10 Downing Street just yet without a gas mask, Officer. There's been a Uri Geller Smeller incident! Give it 20 minutes if I were you."

by bromp March 19, 2008

turdwayman

Slimey politicians of no substance or conviction who want to appeal to everyone left/right/centre/multi-culti. These set out their agenda as The Third Way, which means they want everyone of all poiltical shades to see them as their perfect leader, when in fact, like Tony Blair, they have nothing more to offer than their hunger for power. Bill Clinton was another but less obvious example of the followers of the Turd Way.

Steve "well what do think of this Barack Obama then?"

Tony "don't know, might be just be another turdwayman".

by bromp May 16, 2008

test match

an extremely long sit-down sojourn in the lavatory, which to the subject feels like it is taking five days to achieve any sort of conclusive result. So named due to the similarity to the cricket competitions: long, silent periods of intense concentration broken by occasional grunts, cracks and thuds, irregularly interspersed with splatters that sound not unlike bursts of applause.

Sally: “Fred, Jim disappeared after breakfast and it's already 11. We are supposed to be at the coast by 12!”

Jim: “We might not make it. He's in the lavatory and it sounds like he is in the middle of a test match.”

by bromp February 22, 2010

Top deck

v. to top deck: a house guest who defecates in one's host cistern, rather than, more conventionally, in the toilet, for comic effect.

Tony Blair and his wife Cherie were invited round by the Browns to congratulate Gordon on his appointment as Prime Minister. Cherie was furious because she never liked Gordon and wanted her Tony to stay on another 10 years. She said to herself : “I know, I'll fix 'em with a good smelly top deck after the main course”.

by bromp May 15, 2008