9 definitions by White Guy on a Bike

Top Definition
An extraordinarily uncomfortable pair of canvas slippers that offer no arch support and will give you a sprained ankle every time you wear them. If you buy a pair of TOMS Shoes, the company will send an identical pair of these dangerous shoes to a child in a third-world country so they too can roll their ankle and walk with an awkward gait.

TOMS Shoes are made of unstructured canvas and cloth, making them even cheaper than the Chuck Taylor. They are popular with hipsters and kids that think they can save the world by buying things for themselves.

Wearers of TOMS Shoes truly and honestly think they are helping poor children by giving them free shoes; however, wearing TOMS may be more hazardous than going barefoot.
Aspiring Hippie NYU Student: - "I wear TOMS Shoes so an orphan in Columbia can get a free pair of shoes!!!

**rolls her ankle**

"Dammit! Not again..."

Teen Girl: - I can't believe you're selfish enough to buy Asics! if you bought a pair of Toms, like the Jonas Brothers, some poor kid would have free shoes

Runner: - TOMS Shoes will give the child a lifetime of podiatric issues, why would I wish that on anyone? Know What? As soon as Asics gives away free Kayanos to Africa, I'll buy ten pairs!
by White Guy on a Bike July 18, 2010
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When a male is engaged in sexual intercourse and instead of ejaculating on her face, he punches her in the face and shouts, "BELUGA HEIGHTS!!!". His friend then jumps out of the closet with a video camera and shouts, "J-J-J-J-J-RRR!!!". A random stranger may or may not enter the room screaming, "JASON DERULO!!!"
Guy: "I'm Cumming!!!"

Girl: *closes eyes, opens mouth*

Guy: *punches girl in face* "BELUGA HEIGHTS!!!!!"

Girl: "OOOOOWWWW!!!" "What was that for?"

Guy's Friend: "J-J-J-J-J-RRR!!!"

Girl: "What the hell is going on?" "Is that a camera?"

Random Stranger: "JASON DERULOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Girl: "Somebody KILL ME!!!" *weeps*
by White Guy on a Bike July 12, 2010
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Ashburn, VA is a town in Loudoun County located between Leesburg and Sterling. The original town was built as a vacation spot for people in Washington, D.C.

But, nobody cares about that...

Today, Ashburn is an upscale planned community with some odd quirks: Despite being built by several developers, every, single, house has the same floorplan. Ashburn homes are rather large, exceeding 4,000 SqFt. Yards around these houses are smaller than the houses themselves and one can easily see into their neighbours' house as they are never more than six feet apart. No place of business is open past midnight in Ashburn, excepting gas stations. This, coupled with the youth of Ashburn's propensity for soft drugs, has caused many a drunk or stoned youth to trek to 7-11 and mill inside for at least a half-hour. Every adult in Ashburn is obsessed with fitness and is compelled to bicycle in the middle of the road regardless of whether trails are paved on both sides.
Out-of-towner: - "I had the hardest time finding your place, every house looks the same around here!"

Ashburn-er - "What do you mean?" "Our's has brick on the front"

Angry Neighbour: - "I think your son was peeping while I was changing!!!

Confused Mom: - "Our windows almost touch, we can read your newspaper when your curtains aren't drawn; I'm sure it was an accident"

Stoned Kid: - "Damn, I want a Crunchwrap Supreme!

Drunk Kid: - "Bummer dude, Taco Bell closed at midnight.

Stoned Kid: - "What's open at 1:30?

Drunk Kid: - "IHOP, 7-11...that's it

Stoned Kid: - "Slurpeeeeeeee!!1!"

Biker: - "Yay!" "I'm biking in the street!!!"

Angry Man in M6: - "What are you doing?" "Go ride the W&OD like everyone else!!!"
by White Guy on a Bike July 18, 2010
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Sterling VA is a town in Northern Virginia between Ashburn and Great Falls. It is divided in two by the highway, Route 7.

On the south side of Route 7 is Sterling Park: an old neighbourhood with old people. There are also immigrants, fat white people, and Bob Ross. Local government claims there is gang activity here. However, the only "gangs" are actually white kids that spray MS13 tags on fences.

On the north side is Cascades: a clone of Ashburn. Residents of Cascades will never tell you they live in Sterling, as that may associate them with Sterling Park. Instead, they invented the imaginary town of "Potomac Falls" in an attempt to fool you into thinking they live in Great Falls. Smack in between the McMansions of Cascades is Sugarland Run, the poorest part of Loudoun County. To keep the poor, brown residents of Sugarland separate from the rest of Cascades, developers put Sugarland in the same zip code as Sterling Park despite being nowhere near Sterling Park.
Man from Cascades: "Legendary painter Bob Ross lived here?" "Is that your best example of why Sterling Park is cool"

Man from Sterling Park: *sighs* "Yes....."

Girl in Lowes Island: "I don't want play laser tag in Sterling Park, it's so ghettoooooo"

Guy in Ashburn: "Why are you hating on Sterling Park? Your neighbours next-door in Sugarland Run are way sketchier!"

---author annoyed great falls resident says it the best---
Man - "Where do you live?"

Lowes Islander "I live in Potomac Falls"

Man - "Oh! I like Sterling, that's a nice area"

Lowes Islander - (annoyed) "Nooo, Potomac Falls"

Man - "Bitch, you live in Sterling VA!" "Get over yourself!"
by White Guy on a Bike June 26, 2010
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A town in northern Fairfax County between Sterling VA and McLean. Great Falls differs from most of Northern Virginia by having homes on very large yards and having no apartments or townhomes whatsoever. Because it offers a wealth of land and privacy in the middle of the D.C. metro area, homes and estates in Great Falls command very high prices. Within Great Falls is a park with waterfalls that take the lives of several kayakers a year and cliffs that injure dozens of freeclimbers and parkour enthusiasts.

Great Falls has no sidewalks, but many cyclists. There are also many exotic sports cars and fast, winding roads. Because of this, Great Falls has more cyclists hit by Ferraris than any other part of the country. Everyone in Great Falls knows who their neighbour is but has never met them, mostly because 12-foot gates are not very welcoming. There are only two roads to travel from Great Falls to Washington, D.C. This leads to failtastic traffic jams all day.
Man in Great Falls: - "I paid $11 million for a 20,000 SqFt. house with a multi-level deck, infinity pool, tiki bar, pool house for my emo son, basement movie theater, five car garage, horse barn, ballroom, and two-story master bedroom. "

"Five months later, Dick Cheney moves in across the street. FML"

Girl 1: - "What's that sound?"

Girl 2: - "That would be my next-door neighbour Gilbert Arenas having another party"

Girl 1: - "He sure is noisy for a dude that lives a quarter-mile down the road!"

Mom in Great Falls: - "John Kerry lives next door"

Visitor: - "Oh?" "How is he?"

Mom in Great Falls: - "I have no idea, I've never met him"

Guy: - "Some Verizon exec just got hit by a Lambo while he was biking in the road"

Friend: - "What an idiot!" "You'd think they'd build a bike trail for all the idiots in the middle of the road"
by White Guy on a Bike July 14, 2010
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A bicycle trail in Northern Virginia that stretches 45 miles from Purcellville, VA to Arlington, VA. If one traverses the entire trail, they will see an accurate representation of the socio-economic diversity in Northern Virginia. The old-money wealth of western Loudoun County, the micro-city of Reston, the wealthy towns of Oakton and Vienna, as well as gentrified and poor neighbourhoods of Arlington alike. The trail ends at a day-labour center where one can hire an immigrant to perform a number of manual tasks for a negotiable fee.

The trail is very popular. While riding on the trail, one is passed by millions of white people in extremely tight clothing that ride on very expensive carbon fibre bicycles. There are also runners that do not move out of cyclists' way and expect you to yield to them. Occasionally, you will be harassed by a crazy Hispanic man in a long coat; he will call you "Sexi Mami" and show you his penis.
White Guy in spandex: "On your left!"
*zooooooooooooooms past you on a Bianchi*


Liar: I can do the entire W&OD in two hours

Me: No you can't

Liar: I know *hangs head*


Flasher: "Eyyy, Sexi Mami! Look what I got!"

Me on bike: "I'm not a Mami, I'm a dude"
by White Guy on a Bike June 24, 2010
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Sugarland Run, or Sugarland, is one of the poorest parts of Loudoun County. It is also poorly designed as there are no sidewalks. Instead, there are nature trails in the woods behind the houses and apartments. Anyone attempting to walk these trails will be jumped by some chulo and his vatos. Despite having no sidewalks, poorly-maintained bicycles are the preferred mode of transportation; much to the detriment of motorists.

Unlike most low-income neighbourhoods, Sugarland is surrounded on all sides by expensive, upper-middle class communities in Sterling VA. These communities blocked off access to Sugarland and as a result, there are only two ways in and out of the neighbourhood despite having thousands of residents

Regardless of where someone lives in Loudoun or Fairfax county, telling someone you live in Sugarland will always merit a response of, "That Sucks Dude!". Unless they live in Herndon or Great Falls as a community of million-dollar houses in Herndon is also named Sugarland
Kid from Annandale: - "Where do you live?"

Kid from Sugarland Run: - "Sugarland in Sterling"

Kid from Annandale: - "Dude, that sucks!" "Sugarland is sketchy as hell"
by White Guy on a Bike July 13, 2010
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