new jersey sump pump

See "New Jersey soap pump", except the aforementioned soap pump is reciprocated by the pumpee to the pumper using the the pumper's semen as lubricant for the sump pump.

Mike 1: Dude my hands are so cold, I could really go for a New Jersey sump pump right now, would you mind initiating with a New Jersey soap pump and I'll complete the process?

Mike 2: Sure man!

by Mike and Mike the Accountants February 03, 2017

stretchsticle

This usually, but not exclusively, is performed on a hot, muggy day. When a male's scrotum coheres to his inner thigh thus causing his testicular area to become clammy, moist, and generally uncomfortable. To relieve this sensation, the man will stretch his legs (whilst standing) outwardly toward either side of his body and switch between leaning to each side of his body while simultaneously bending the respective knee he is leaning toward. If performed properly, a stretchsticle will give the appearance that the man is simply limbering up, or loosening his lower body after vigorous activity and will actually make him seem more athletic, relaxed and generally active. On the contrary, there will invariably be a large portion of the male population that will see through this deceit and realize that their fellow brethren is simply airing out his steamy dank-ass grundle.

Mike 1: Do you think that hot audit chick noticed I was doing a stretchsticle while I was talking to her?

Mike 2: No dude, she prob just though you were stretching your groin cus of hours of sex.

by Mike and Mike the Accountants April 07, 2017

stealth boner

Similar to a stealth bomber, this is when a male attempts to hide his erection from others. Depending on the intensity of the erection, the size of the male's penis, and the clothes he is wearing, the male may go about a stealth boner in several ways:the most common is to stick his penis upwardly flat against his abdomen using his pants to hold it down. If the erection is only mild in intensity, he may try and hold the erection against his thigh in his pant leg. Attempting to have a stealth boner is exponentially more difficult whilst wearing gym shorts and/or no shirt. Most men grow increasingly adept at using stealth boners since the onset of puberty.

Mike 2: Dude I gotta go talk to one of the director's but that hot audit chick gave me a raging stiffy...what do I do???
Mike 1: Just walk in with a stealth boner dumbass!

by Mike and Mike the Accountants June 09, 2017

cruise cumtrol

During the act of male masturbation, cruise cumtrol is the task of maintaining one's erection either whilst browsing pornographic videos, while the video is loading/buffering, while the video is streaming mundane content (see "fap forward"), during the awkward scrotum vag exclusive shots, etc. If performed correctly, cruise cumtrol requires minimal lubrication due to the speed of the stroke, and increases the intensity of one's orgasm. The inconvenient truth of the matter is that the cruise cumtrol stage of masturbation often lasts the majority duration of the masturbatory session but significantly enhances the size of the male's warm gooey bukake mess.

Mike 1: Dude I had like a 40 min fap sesh last night

Mike 2: Your dick must be raw as roadkill!

Mike 1: Naw I was in the act of cruise cumtrol for 99% of it and how I have to send my mac to the apple store for cleaning...

by Mike and Mike the Accountants September 07, 2017

cumdgement call

The "judgement call" a man must make in the moments preceding impending orgasm whilst having unprotected sex, regarding the placement of his ejaculatory load. Despite the agreement, discussion, etc. that he and his partner may have had before and during sex, the man has the ultimate power whether to pull out or not, and where to ejaculate should he indeed pull out. Scrupulous and complex calculations are performed by the man during these nanoseconds. These calculations weigh factors such as chance of child conception, partner reaction and, ultimately, satisfaction.

Mike 1: Dude I had to make a hard cumdgement call whether to pull out or not. By my calculations, the best move was to splooge on her face.
Mike 2: Was she on birth control?
Mike 1: Yea but who cares?

by Mike and Mike the Accountants March 17, 2017

cuntorsion

This act normally occurs during heterosexual intercourse performed in the "reverse cowgirl" position, but can occur in the midst of other positions. While the man's penis is inside the woman and she moves too far one way (typically towards the man's feet), causing an outstretched, uncomfortable sensation for the man.

Mike 2: Me Julie was riding me reverse cowgirl last night and gave my dick a serious case of cuntorsion the way she was movin.

Mike 1: Weird, that never seems to happen to me...

by Mike and Mike the Accountants April 14, 2017

depar

"Raped" spelled backward. This term refers to the very small percentage of the time where a person (likely female) implores you to stop touching, groping, or performing any other sexual advances when, in fact, the individual actually wants said advances but expresses the opposite sentiment for various, unknown reasons. You, being the upstanding and law-abiding individual that you are, immediately cease all sexual advances in efforts to avoid rape and/or sexual harassment charges. Usually the person being "sexually harassed" sends a disappointed text message the next day asking why you stopped your sexual advances and adds something like "I wanted to fuck you so badly".

Kelly: Mike, what happened last night, I wanted you to fuck my brains out?

Me: You yelled "stop you're raping me"!

Kelly: I was just saying that so you'd try harder!

Me: Omg I just got depar

by Mike and Mike the Accountants February 16, 2017