Lumpbag's definitions

Pork Scotch friends

Imaginary friends. People who simply don't exist. A bit like Facebook friends. Named for the fact that Pork Scotch has no friends at all because he is such a complete twat.

Monk: So who's coming to this barbecue then? Pork Scotch's friends?

Dad: You're talking stupid. Pork Scotch doesn't have any friends. He has Pork Scotch friends.

by Lumpbag August 15, 2009

Pork Scotch pizza

The world's finest pizza topping. The pizza of choice of fat security guards it consists of a Marguerita pizza topped with pork and gravy.

Why is that security guard so fucking fat?

You'd be fat if you ate 3 Pork Scotch pizzas every day.

by Lumpbag May 4, 2009

Fishy MacSwell

A little fat security guard with a gay moustache. Drives a shitty white van and likes to go out with wrinkly drag queens. Probably the most boring man on Earth, definitely the ugliest.

Who's the repulsive fat guy with Goofy Granny?

That be Fishy MacSwell, the most boring bastard on God's Earth.

by Lumpbag May 16, 2009

Goofy Granny Wagon

The worst type of Granny Wagon in the world. A shitty little red toilet on wheels driven by a hideous old gargoyle with teeth like green surfboards.

Sweet Jesus! A gargoyle driving a toilet!

Oh shit, its the Goofy Granny Wagon. Piss off you foul dentist dodger!

by Lumpbag August 16, 2009

Jafargholi

A Welsh Paki whose awful singing makes normal people vomit blood.

Flon: Dad, why did you just vomit blood?

Dad: Aaarghhhh! <points at television screen>

Flon: Shit, its Jafargholi! <vomits blood>

by Lumpbag May 26, 2009

Pork Scotch Van

A clapped-out white van driven by miserable little security guards. These vehicles are filthy and frequently break down. The fat driver will often try to save a parking place for himself by putting a traffic cone in the road outside his house. This annoying practice is best dealt with by rescuing the cone from the fat guy's possession and installing it in the back of a Maltby lorry two streets away.

What do you call a toilet on wheels?

A Pork Scotch van.

by Lumpbag May 10, 2009

Goofy Granny

A wrinkly old witch with enormous gnashers. This foul specimen is so physically repugnant that only a porky, boring security guard will have anything to do with it. Goofy and Porky walk around wearing shades, thinking they're young and trendy whereas really they're a pair of tedious pensioners addicted to garlic bread.

Is there anyone in the world ugly enough to go out with the Porky Scotcher?

Yep. Goofy Granny. She's one ugly bitch.

Excellent choice, sir. The two ugliest, most tedious individuals on Earth.

by Lumpbag May 29, 2009