Longrod Von Hugedong's definitions

Breitbarticle

An article/report/story in the news that has little to no basis in fact and/or was clearly written with the intent to push some sort of political agenda i.e., fake news. Typically found online on fringe, far-right websites and presented as though it is legitimate journalism, most commonly covering topics like politics, race relations, climate change, etc.

Person 1: I just read a story online about a child sex ring run by Hillary Clinton in the basement of some pizza parlor...how crazy is that??

Person 2: Oh yeah? Well I just read a report that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are having a secret love affair...it's true!!

Person 3: Oh my god, those are both ridiculous breitbarticles, just stop. Here, let's put our phones down and go outside...

by Longrod Von Hugedong December 9, 2016

Premature eHAculation

An eruption of loud and uncontrollable laughter either well before the punchline of a joke or in a situation/conversation where it is extremely inappropriate to do so.

Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.

Peter Griffin: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Premature eHAculation.

by Longrod Von Hugedong December 9, 2016

Intellectual blue balls

When you are engaged by an intellectually stimulating lecture/address/speech, or even just an enthralling conversation, and the speaker approaches addressing a topic of great importance to you, but then they abruptly change course and trend into new areas of discussion, leaving you with an overwhelming feeling of frustration and angst.

President Obama: one of the great challenges of our generation is to find an answer to the question about whether Han Solo or Greedo was the first to shoot...

Cletus: OMG, yes, yes, please, oh god, keep going, yes, yes, YES! ...

President Obama: that being said, we must engage in more constructive discourse about important clauses of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, particularly how it will help combat the illegal logging industry.

Cletus: wait, what? Intellectual blue balls...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

by Longrod Von Hugedong May 26, 2016

Brain boner

The feeling you get when you are having a lively discussion or listening to an engaging lecture and everything makes sense and it gives you a bunch of new ideas about the topic at hand. The intellectual equivalent of an erection.

DeSean: oh man, that lecture given by Dr. Kobilka about G protein-coupled receptor dynamics gave me a massive brain boner.

Derrick: uhh...right, yeah, totally dude. *pssst* Jimmy, I think we need to re-evaluate our friendship with DeSean...

Jimmy: agreed.

by Longrod Von Hugedong May 26, 2016

occupation grunt

An audible grunt, cough, or clearing of the throat issued by an individual while using a stall in a public men's restroom, especially when they hear someone else entering. This is done to advise the incoming patron that the stall is occupied, helping them avoid any awkward attempts to open the door or worse, peer through the crack in the door. A grunt is best because this bypasses any dialogue or conversation- both of which are widely regarded as taboo in a public men's room.

Cletus: so I was dropping a deuce at the mall when I heard the door open, so I gave an occupation grunt, right? But that fool didn't know any bathroom etiquette and tried to open my door anyway. As if my pants around my ankles behind the closed door wasn't enough of a giveaway!

DeSean: damn, son, I know what you mean. Same shit happened to me the other day when I was at White Castle. Thanks a lot, Obama.

by Longrod Von Hugedong May 26, 2016

Desktop humanitarian

An individual that will regularly receive emails from advocacy groups or occasionaly come across the archetypical charitable donation resource online and will contribute- in trivial amounts, typically- for a do-gooding sense of self-righteousness and to justify any activist-related shpeel they might regularly give in front of friends/family/colleagues in order to appear more altruistic. They usually do not research what/where they are sending their money to and only pay attention to the ethos or appearance of the advertisement/website involved in receiving the donation, only contributing to the ones that look worthwhile (i.e., emaciated children, dying puppies, etc.).

Person 1: "Are you aware of the level of animal mistreatment and cruelty that goes on in America on a daily basis? It is horrible, unnecessary, and we need to do something about it- you should donate to the animal liberation front like I do so that their righteous cause can end these atrocities!"

Person 2: "The animal liberation front, the ALF? While they have fairly good-natured intentions, you do know that they are classified as a terrorist organization and that they regularly seek out biomedical animal research laboratories at universities to vandalize and sabotage? And all for the sake of setting a few mice or rats free- animals that were being used to help find cures for serious human diseases like Alzheimer's, cancer, and Parkinson's disease. Furthermore, they often go after the heads of the labs- professors and PhDs- by putting bombs under their cars or targeting their families at home, among other things...just to save some animals! In my opinion, animal research is an unfortunate caveat of the far greater good that is medicine, so it is a necessary practice in science. I'm sorry, but their cause just does not sound like something I want to help out with."

Person 1: "Typical nihilistic excuse for being cheap. Everyone else is doing something! Don't be so selfish!"

Person 2: "Fucking desktop humanitarian."

by Longrod Von Hugedong November 13, 2013

Blackin

Essentially the compliment to 'blackout', as used in the term 'blackout drunk', wherein an individual comes around from their supposed state of extreme intoxication and into a surprised and often traumatized state. Is often reached a few hours after peak alcohol consumption and in the middle of a compromising or otherwise unwanted situation. Not to be confused with the other kind of 'blackout drunk', which refers to when an individual actually loses consciousness. Somehow, the two are used interchangeably these days by the youth.

Cletus: Did you see bongqueesha last night at that toga party? Bitch was in the middle of a cunnilingus kegstand when she fell down, looked around, and stumbled off vomiting!

DeSean: Damn, talk about a blackin to remember.

by Longrod Von Hugedong April 22, 2013