Jonzo the Weasel's definitions

baseball bat

The ultimate weapon when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. It can even be thrown like a tomohawk should your intended victim appear to be outrunning you. However, if there is a red taffic light nearby, simply smash the window of the first car, kill the guy inside it, drive up after the primary target, and while passing, swing the bat full-force at his head. A decapitation guaranteed

So you wanna be a hitman for fat Alfredo, skinny Lou? Awrighty, take out Stupid Gianni and Smelly Joe wit dis baseball bat

by Jonzo the Weasel January 22, 2006

liberal

One who cares for America and wishes to preserve the ideals of this nation's founders, all progressive men in their day.

Ben Franklin owned a Cannabis farm and George Washington was known to toke up as well. Plus, they wrote the Bill of Rights. They were liberals. They would start a riot if they could see how their ideals are getting assraped by the current government

by Jonzo the Weasel May 18, 2006

celebricrat

A celebrtity who gets political. In some extreme cases (like the guy who is now governor of california) they will run for office and win. But if one just makes public political statements and/or supports a candidate, then that celebrity has become a celebricrat.
Naturaly, most celebricrats are on the political left (celiberals) because that is the less moralistic party, the strongest party in California, as opposed to the right-wing celebrities (constarvatives). The celiberals are often denounced by right-wing pundits as traitors. The constarvatives are usually just blown off by left-wingers as rich morons.

Here are some famous celebricrats
Celiberals:
Bruce Springsteen
Sean Penn
Jon Bon Jovi
Madonna
Billie Joe Armstrong
Kanye West
Whoopi Goldberg
Christopher Reeve
Scarlett Johanson
Sean John Combs
Chuck D
Ice Cube
The late Kurt Cobain
Barbara Streisand
Joey Ramone

And the Constarvatives:
Britney Spears
Johnny Ramone
Arnold Schwarzeneger
Jessie Ventura
Jessica Simpson
Kid Rock
Ronald Reagan
Lynn Swann
Ann Coulter

by jonzo the weasel July 28, 2006

MTV

A tv chanel that everybody loves to hate for "being corporate." It should be noted that those people are in shitty ass bands that would sell their souls to get on MTV and get a recording contract from a label that people actually care about. Features some of the worlds hottest chicks if you exclude that skanky washup britney spears and christina aguilewhateverthefuck. Imortalized by the line "I Want My MTV."

Nerd- I hate mtv, die die die.
Me- Dumbass, you just are bitter because a)your shitty band sucks so hard recording execs are afraid to touch it and b)the gorgeous girls on it remind you how sad your fat pimply pale "girl"friend is and coz 50 cent reminds u that u are asexually shaped? And if you don't like pop or blink182-i don't either-change the chanel or turn off the tv. geez, what a fuckwad.

by Jonzo the Weasel April 4, 2006

Westboro Baptist Church

A far-right fundamentalist christian church in Topeka, Kansas headed by Fred Phelps. Think Pat Robertson cranked up to 11. They are notorious for the "God Hates Fags" campgain. To show their message, they select funerals of US troops who died in Iraq to picket, saying that these kids got killed as punishment for America's failure to persecute homosexuals. They first made the headlines when they went to the funeral of hate-crime victim Matthew Sheppard with signs saying "Matt In Hell" and other messages. If there's ever a disaster in the world, you can bet your ass that they will have something to say. Whenever they demonstrate, little kids as young as 6 can be seen brought along to hold signs by their parents.
After the asian tsunami the statement was that it was a "blessing from God." Somehow the idea was worked in that it was set up at a time that it would kill alot of Swedish tourists, because apparently Rev. Phelps has something against Scandinavia.
During the disastrous 2005 hurricane season, the church celebrated with signs like "Kudos Katrina" "Welcome Wilma" "Bring it on Beta" etc.
Also, the US casualties of the war on terror? The 3000 victims of the september 11 terrorist attacks? Martin Luther King and Corretta Scott King? The 14 guys who died in that coal mine? Every last Catholic on Earth? Reggie White? The Pope? Mr. Rogers? Yup, they're all in/going to Hell.
Oh, here's a fact! Phelps' 200 church members may only marry within the church. The catch is, it's made up entirely of relatives of either Fred or his wife. Hey, there's more than one way to keep the gene pool chlorinated.
Remember, kids, who would Jesus hate?

A few messages from our friends at the Westboro Baptist Church!
"Matt In Hell"
"God Hates Fags"
"No Tears For Queers"
"Fags Die, God Laughs"
"FDNY In Hell"
"America Is Doomed"
"Thank God For Dead Troops"
"God Sent The IED"
"Fag Soldier In Hell"
"God Blew Up the Troops"
"Dyke Sows Wedd Here"
"Fag Priests And Dyke Nuns"
"Thank God For 9/11"

Hey Fred, thanks for giving all normal Christians a bad name."

by Jonzo the Weasel August 2, 2006

swift boat veterans for truth

A group of fucking liars who dragged John Kerry's name through the dirt on two false accusations:

1: "John Kerry never did anything heroic in Vietnam"
Acatually, John Kerry jumped off his swiftboat during a firefight to rescue a crew member who had falled overboard. And why don't you tell me about W's heroism while AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard?

2: "John Kerry betrayed his country"
Oh yeah? Let me tell you this. Out of concern for the troops being killed in Vietnam, John Kerry joined Vietnam Vets Against the War. John Kerry saw his country making a mistake and said so. That is patriotism. The "my country right or wrong" attitude is ignorance on par with medeival peasants.

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth sent out it's slanderous ads without the authorization of Bush? Bullshit.

by Jonzo the Weasel August 15, 2006

Jesus

An ancient Philosopher and possibly savior who had a pretty decent message while alive- be nice, forgive, help those less fortunate than you. Very little is known about this man's personal life because he never wrote down anything so far as we can tell, and the four friends of his who wrote stuff about him did so decades after he whipped, humiliated, stabbed, nailed to a cross shaped object, and eventually died from the agony. Had twelve close followers one of whom betrayed him, plus a whole pack of deciples including his mother and an ex-prostitute who may or may not have been his wife. Actually may have also been attempting to start a jewish rebellion against the roman imperialist dictators, though this was probablye editted out of the scritures to make Romans convert. His early followers were a pretty nice bunch cosidering that they were skinned alive, tied to poles and shot full of arrows, whipped, stoned, crucified upsidedown, and made into human cat food in the colliseum with lions. His later followers sadly were homicidal nuts and began slaughtering innocent Jews and Muslims, and occasionally each other. This started to change around the 1900's, and was almost perfectly reformed by the 1970's with Jesus Christ Superstar when sadly a group of vile liars calling themselves undamentalists distorted his image into a hate mongering fanatic, causing comunist govts. like North Korea to ban him and turning many people away from him. The fact that some of his closest followers raped altar servers and that his name was attached to Jacko's "Juice" probably pissed him off. If alive today, he'd be chillin in jamaica with stoners or playing in the NBA as Steve Nash and MLB as Johnny Damon. Oh wait, he is. And he'd shut up Creed for good.

Jesus- Do unto others as you would have them do unto your self
Crackpot Televangelist- Um, that means give me your social security money. And while you are at it, lynch a gay man or two. yeah, that's it.

by Jonzo the Weasel September 16, 2006