Definitions by Al Benedict

Showing card tricks to a dog 

Trying to a explain something that's very complex to someone that doesn't understand the basic fundamentals the thing you are explaining is based on.

I tried to explain it to him, but he kept asking the same non sequitur questions over and over. I felt like I was showing card tricks to a dog.

Showing card tricks to a dog by Al Benedict November 14, 2010

Oneing the two 

Attempting to remove stuck poop from a toilet with a well aimed high pressure stream of pee.

Are you Oneing the two in there?

Well, it's not like I have choice. You threw out the brush.

It was gross

Oneing the two by Al Benedict October 7, 2010

Tuvan Phone Call

A phone call in which you choose your words carefully in an attempt to maintain a coherent conversation with the person on the end of the line while giving a completely different impression of what the conversation is about to anyone standing next to you. Usually involves more than the usual number of pronouns.

From "Tuvan Throat Singing", where you sing two different notes at once.

I had a Tuvan Phone Call last night with my girlfriend. We went on for half an hour and my Grandma had no idea we were having phone sex.

Tuvan Phone Call by Al Benedict April 17, 2010

Total Existence Failure

When something malfunctions by virtue of not existing at all. Taken (but not precisely) from "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". In the original usage, a spaceship existed for a while and then spontaneously disappeared.

Bob: Can I borrow your car?
Bill: Nope. Sorry. It's having a total existence failure.

Total Existence Failure by Al Benedict October 22, 2009

Brown Bunny 

1) A hard piece of shit that is starting to emerge from between your cheeks before you get to the toilet.

2) A notoriously bad, self indulgent film by Vincent Gallo.

Bob: (Bangs on stall door) "Hurry up! I've got a Brown Bunny here!"
Bill: "OK, OK" (Leaves stall)
Bob: "Thanks!" (Grabs cans of film and rushes in. Seconds later, a flushing sound is heard)
Bob: "Ahhh... That's much better." (Emerges with now empty film cans).

Brown Bunny by Al Benedict August 18, 2009

Common Sense 

A phrase used by someone who wants any critical analysis of what they are saying to stop immediately.

"Global warming can't exist because it was cold last winter. That's just common sense."

Common Sense by Al Benedict June 11, 2009

Hairless Ape 

A member of the species Homo Sapiens, esp. when being discussed in a way that only makes sense in an anthropological context. Popularized by Howard the Duck.

You means buying flowers actually made it worse? Damn, Hairless Ape relationships are such a pain.

Hairless Ape by Al Benedict October 2, 2008