StormSworder's definitions

tarantula

Originally the name 'tarantula' was given to a species of wolf spider in Italy which was blamed for venomous spider bites which locals tried to cure by performing a dance. In fact the spider bites were inflicted by a species of widow spider. But the widow spiders are small and look insignificant, whilst wolf spiders are bigger and hairy, so the wolf spider was blamed. To this day many people judge how venomous a spider is on its size, which is completely inaccurate. Wolf spiders are harmless. These days the name 'tarantula' is used to describe any spider of the Theraphosid family. This family has something like 800 known species in Africa, Mid and South America and Asia, with many more no doubt still undiscovered. The tarantulas (or Theraphosids) are the giants of the spider world, the biggest with leg-spans which could cover a dinner plate (a Goliath Birdeater with a 12-inch leg-span I think is the record). Though some tarantulas live in trees, most are ground-dwellers and the live in burrows. They line the entrances of their burrows with silk. Though tarantulas have no senses of hearing or smell and very poor vision, they have a very developed sense of touch. The hairs on their legs can detect the slightest air or ground vibration, and the lines of silk they lay down around their burrows are almost like extentions of their legs. Any small animal touching one of those threads will instantly alert the tarantula. Tarantulas feed on anything from crickets, locusts and cockroaches to rodents, small snakes and small lizards. Despite the fact they are often known as 'bird-eating spiders' in the US, it is probably very rare for a tarantula to eat a bird, though tree-climbing tarantulas can easily help themselves to a chick when a parent bird is away from its nest. With their basic webs they are thought to be the earliest form of spider, date back over 350 million years. When threatened or annoyed, tarantulas rear up on their back legs and bare their fangs. Some can even make a hissing/rustling noise by rubbing bristles on their jaws together. Tarantulas do not eat solid food. When a tarantula feeds, it injects a digestive fluid into its prey through its fangs. The prey is then gradually liquidised and absorbed into the mouth in a similar way to water being absorbed into a sponge. Tarantulas breathe through gill-like openings in the underside of their abdomens called 'book lungs'. When tarantulas mate, the male inserts sperm from his pedipalps ('feelers') into an opening under the female's body. Female tarantulas are larger and stronger than the more spindly-looking males, can live anything up to ten or twenty years, maybe longer depending on the species. Once the male has reached full size he can't hope to live eighteen months at the most. Despite the hooks on his front legs (for holding the female's fangs) he maybe be eaten after (or even before) mating. Tarantulas shed their skins, on average once a year. They can cast off a damaged limb but re-grow it gradually, the new limb becoming bigger every time their shed their skin. The tarantula skin is an exoskeleton, made of keratin (the same material human nails are made of). Despite the fear and horror they install in so many people (who've learnt most of what they know about tarantulas from the movies) tarantulas have venom which is unable to endanger human life. In fact, there is no record of anyone being killed by a tarantula bite. Some New World species have hairs on their abdomens which they can flick off with their back legs. These can cause an itching/burning sensation if they come into contact with human skin. But let's be honest, tarantulas are probably more afraid of us than we are of them, and they are a major controller of destructive pests like cockroaches and locusts. In fact tarantulas make excellent pets. They are more likely to run away rather than attack, unless they are cornered. Tarantulas are certainly not made of rubber, as some movies would have us believe. They are just as much flesh and blood as we are.

A tarantula bite dangerous? No. Its barnet's worse than its bite.

by StormSworder August 15, 2006

arachnid

Surely one of the most successful groups of animals in the history of this planet. There are arachnids on every continent (except Antarctica, obviously). Arachnids include spiders, scorpions, mites, ticks and the like. Though it is very rare for soft-bodied animals to survive, in fossil form, the oldest known fossil spider is 380 million years old, and there are even older fossil scorpions and sea scorpions known. Whenever I watch a tarantula or scorpion I can't help feeling I'm being given a viewpoint on an early age of life on this planet.

An example of an arachnid: a tarantula, a member of the oldest group of spiders which did not spin webs, merely used silk to line their burrows.

by Stormsworder November 16, 2006

sly cooper

A raccoon who was heir to a book about how to steal stuff, but unfortunately the book itself was stolen. A sign of our times. So, with the help of a thing that looks like a bishop's crook, a pink hippo and a tortoise, you must embark on a mission across the world to recover Sly's trousers. The three games that follow are so bloody tedious I'd advise him to stay at home and take up fly-fishing and full-contact scrabble instead.

Hey, so Sly's games are boring and Sly himself is a weed. But on the other hand you get to play a raccoon with no trousers, and you can climb all over a big fox-woman with massive jugs, and things like that are far more important! Sly Cooper for furry of the month! Wahay!

by Stormsworder September 7, 2007

michael howard

A politician in the UK's Conservative party. When he was Home Secretary he was frowned on for locking a lot of people up. However, when the Blair governmnent released them all again, people realised maybe the general public were safer whilst violent criminals were behind bars. Howard was the victim of the lookist spin-doctor culture who used the "something of the night about him" comment to great effect. He became leader of the opposition when the Tories suddenly realised they had forgotten to elect a new leader after their 2001 defeat, and lasted almonst a fortnight (which is quite good by modern Tory standards).

"Why would anyone bother boting for Michael Howard the vampire? We've already got the New Labour bloodsuckers, after all".

by Stormsworder October 20, 2007

dateline

A take-the-money-and-run online dating agency who cancel your account whenever they feel like it, refuse to answer your e-mails and never refund your money. On-line frauds.

"Dateline have just terminated my account, despite the fact I've paid for another five months of membership yet, and the snotty fuckers won't even answer my e-mails to tell me what is going on".
"Don't worry. Dateline is for Russian immigrants trying to claim citizenship by marrying someone in this country, stuck-up bitches who think only someone with the looks of a film star is good enough for them, and predatory perverts who are only out for what they can get".

by Stormsworder September 25, 2007

Jar Jar Binks

An attempt to create a 'comic relief' character which backfired badly, turning the Star Wars film Phantom Menace into little more than a cross between a farce and a special-effects laden episode of Love Thy Neighbour. Binks is an alien who, for reasons I'm sure won't be apparent to anyone but all-seeing higher beings, talks like a dated black stereotype. Ah, but C3P0 and R2-D2 were comical characters, the fanboys point out. Yes, but they actually served some function in A New Hope, and if they're comic characters then why do we need yet another 'comic' character.

Jar Jar Binks, just one of the many things wrong with a film with was nothing really more than one long advert for toys, video games, happy meals and various other tat. But it's still worth mentioning that Jar Jar Binks is a shit creation and a total wanker.

by Stormsworder August 2, 2007

Plushophile

Someone who has some kind of relationship with a plush (a furry toy). This person is not automatically perverted. They may just be unable to mix with other people socially. I'm sure there are some such people who do nothing more than look after their plush, care for it and cuddle it in front of the TV as though it was a person. On the other end of the scale, however, I think the 'inflatable doll' mentality is taken to severe extremes. Plushophiles who have full-sex relationships with their cuddly toys make a hole between the toy's legs and....well, you can guess the rest.

A certain type of plushophile seems to have misunderstood what 'taking a cuddly toy to bed' means.

by Stormsworder May 30, 2007