StormSworder's definitions

postal

The UK postal system is, like just about everything else in the UK after the socialist/communist/annarchist revolution here (not to mention the privatisation of the postal system courtesy of some money-minded old Tory crook), the laughing stock of the world. Important parcels and letters frequently go missing. I must have lost thousands of pounds worth of goods in the post in the last seven years, and it's not really surprising given that the postal workers of today don't seem to care a fig about their customers. Last year, for example, I was out when a parcel was delivered, so the parcel was returned to the depot. But, instead of making a record of it, the postman involved had simply thrown it in some storage warehouse and nobody knew where it was. It was only through persistence that it didn't join the other items which seem to be gone forever. Whilst I was in the depot, there was a woman complaining about a postman who'd forced a parcel of hers through her letterbox and, as a result, the contents of it (photos) had all been bent out of shape. I'm forever getting complaints from irate people who've never received the cheques I've sent. One of my Dad's friends used to be a postal worker and apparently, when the sacks of letters are emptied, there's always a few left behind which are disregarded. Smaller post offices are constantly being closed as centralisation takes over. You might as well just put your letter in a bottle and throw it in the nearest river.

Seller: "Where's my cheque gone?"
Buyer: "I sent it three weeks ago, but unfortunately I was stupid enough to trust the UK's postal system, so it's probably in the bin by now".

by Stormsworder November 23, 2006

crash bandicoot

Star of many video games, Crash Bandicoot was one of the victims of the power-mad Dr Neo Cortex, who tried to cause rapid evolution in animals in order to turn them into his army of heavies. Crash, together with his sister Coco Bandicoot and their friend Crunch Bandicoot, are now dedicated to putting a spoke in every wheel of evil plotting Cortex dreams up. The best games in Crash's history, in my view, are 'Cortex Strikes Back' and 'Twinsanity'. In the latter, Crash was forced to team up with Cortex in order to foil the plans of two power-mad birds (who were former pets of Cortex).

Cortex: I'll destroy you and take over this world.

Crash Bandicoot: Uh....

Cortex: I shall be the supreme being of the universe!

Crash: Uh....

Cortex: You've a real way with words, do you know that?!

by StormSworder August 13, 2006

halloween

This was once a pagan festival. Now it is an excuse for kids to come round in silly 'horror' costumes demanding money or sweets, sometimes throwing eggs at your house if you don't give them anything. Was also used as the title and setting for a series of films.

A couple of ghosties started fighting on halloween. They were pulled off by the ghoulies.

by Stormsworder February 4, 2007

blotto

Drunk. Other terms which mean 'drunk' are: intoxicated, pissed, smashed, Oliver Twist (rhyming slang), potted, soused, in your cups, off the wagon, slaughtered, hammered, wasted, shit-faced, squiffy, legless, sozzled, plastered, sloshed, inebriated, tipsy, tiddly, paralytic, tanked up, on the booze, on the piss, on the sauce

Wife: "You were the one who ended up blotto last night and introduced your dinner to the 'welcome' mat. You can wash it and then wring it out".

Man: "Right now I feel like it's my brain that needs wringing out".

by Stormsworder February 4, 2007

genie

A genie is thought by many (probably due to films they've seen) to be a man who appears to grant three wishes if the lamp he lives in is rubbed. In fact, according to mythology, a genie is a mischievous spirit who has been imprisoned in some object or other (it needn't automatically be a lamp).

Genie-related humour.
Police find a warehouse filled with stolen property, including a lot of lanterns.
Inspector: Well, well. It's Aladdin's cave.
Constable: How very witty, sir. (thinks:don't give up your police job just yet).

by Stormsworder December 1, 2006