Old Testament: God creates the universe and he sees it and it's serious business, but then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her "Apple or GTFO" (cuz she's already showing tits) she chooses the former and then her and her fuck buddy Adam get b& from Eden for being troll bait. Then alot of serious fucking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains alot, really)

Then later, God gets uber pissed about Pharaoh Hitler for pwning the Jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens the sea so the Jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis. God lol'd.

Some other less important shit happens, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about God for him to fap to.

New Testament: God finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. Nine months later, Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday, God gave Jesus more cheat codes then he gave Moses, plus the

rcon password for life and some CP.

Later, Jesus became a hardcore ska punk and trolled the old school jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. They forgot he had God Mode turned on though, so he waited 2 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into lifes server, and laughed at the jews.

After that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this faggot Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff that Jesus never fucking said but everybody listened to Paul anyway because they're stupid.

The End
I lol'd at the bible
by Hiebsy August 9, 2009
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Some people believe the bible is the word of God and that you shouldn't believe any Man because we are fundamentally flawed. The thing these people don't realize is that Man wrote the bible. No, God did not TELL them what to write. Some people thought of some great ways to control people so they constructed this bible and made a MYTH about how this GOD told them to write this bullshit about the world and what you should do.

the bible is not something you should worship. It is a work of fiction written by man.

Would you worship Of Men and Mice?
ooo the bible! if you dont read it and dont believe in god you are going to HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY WITH NO POSSIBILITY OF REDEMTION!!! I will pray for you!!

"no thanks."
by thejenigma July 2, 2005
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the bible is violent as fuck, if the bible were a movie and god wasn't willing to make any cuts the mpaa would deem it violent enough to get an nc-17 rating, the bible would only play in certain art house theaters and only gross a small amount of money, upon the bibles release on dvd the bible would not be available at walmart, best buy, blockbuster and many other retailers, the bible would not be shown on cable often. the bible would soon be forgotten about as most nc-17 rated films are.

the bible is also the best selling book ever made. it contains more sex and violence then any book ever written. people known as catholics want for you to read this graphicly violent and sexually explicit account of supposed real life events so badly, that they will give you a copy for free at any church.
the bible is an extremley violent book
by online handle August 29, 2006
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NOT the word of God. Just a clever work of fiction that Christian cults take literally.
Smarter people ignor the bible because most of it is clearly not true.
However, who would disagree with the 10 Commandments? Just because God didn't send them down from heaven doesn't mean its OK to kill, steal, ect.
The smartest people of all understand that and learn to look at the bible symbolically. For example, "hell" is every bit of guilt, depression, rejection, and pain felt in life, while "heaven" is all comfort, happiness, love, and peace.
I, being one of these brilliant people, don't live a good life because I'm afraid of appearing in a fiery pit after I die, it just feels right. One of the greatest people that ever walked the Earth had an understanding similar to this- here is John Lennon's view on God:
"I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong." Well said, John. Well said.
christian: I talk to God every day.

atheist: Does he talk back?

christian: Yes, through the bible.

atheist: Dumbass. The bible was written by humans. Its not God's word, its a moral guide to life. Do you want to be like Jesus?

christian: Yes

atheist: Then stop telling Him to help people and start helping people!!!
by Jim Steele August 12, 2006
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you people are so fucking smart aren't you? "The Bible is God's true and spoken word. Jesus Rawks!" Don't you understand it's not jeebus that is gonna save you, or buddha or fucking alaaaaaah either. Nothing is going to prevent the people of this world from killing each other. it's never going to stop. accept it, move on. figure out new and better ways to do it. but please for the love of humanity stop fucking looking for some cosmic being to come down and explain away gay people and muslims and all the other shit that you religious twats are too retarded to understand. Stop looking for ALMIGHTY GOD to come fix all the world's problems. Because you know what? It doesn't fucking matter if God exists or not. Hurricanes still blow down cities, tsunamis still tear the assholes out of island nations, oil companies and insurance agencies are gonna keep taking all our money and we aren't gonna do shit about it as long as we keep asking for Pat "Take em Down" Robertson to talk to GAWD for us!! Wake up, morons. Think for yourselves. Quit buying into this cultural bullshit that your parents are feeding you. You can't prove shit. Oh, and don't talk to me about "faith" okay. because faith is a great thing, no one can deny that. but you could have faith in my almighty ballsack and you'd do just as well. it's about US not GOD. that is all.
The bible says it is "God's word," and so does the koran and countless other books. So all you have to do is write something down, sign it," -God", and in 2000 years all your moron descendants will read it and say "See how it says '-God' at the end. No human being could have written this. It must really be God talking to us." Oh yeah, they will. Try it.
by pdad September 25, 2005
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A really bad fiction book with main characters such as God, Jesus, and "the virgin" Mary.
Reading "The Bible" is an utter waste of time.
by Godismybitchlacky July 11, 2008
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"the book". a fictional work instructing people to be biased idiots so they can get into heaven and worship god for all eternity. though written by *ignorant, sexist, mentally unstable* men, the bible simultaneously acts as proof of god's existence and a testament of his will. the bible repeatedly plagiarizes pagan myths and contradicts itself, but despite all this, millions of people all over the earth hang to its every word (even the contradictory ones).
jesus loves you!!! christianity is the only right religion, i will pray for you. god hates homosexuality, but loves homosexuals, because to him all people are equal, but he hates the sin of homosexuality! praise jesus! lucifer is evil, he will try to lead you to evil, but you must stay strong and find jesus!hallelujah!
by never_me May 1, 2005
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