A tech bitch is a person who will buy any new tech gadget just to be cool. Recent studies suggest this person is most likely a fucking asshole and probably addicted to technology and suffers from minor to moderate erectile disfunction. The tech bitch will deny any wrong doing and justify their purchase based on how corporate marketing campaigns make them feel.
While our lifespan is the number of years we will live, our healthspan is the number of healthy years we will have and our sexspan is is the number of years we will continue to be healthy enough to continue having an active sex life.
A lighthearted reaction upon receiving disappointing news of some sort. Usually something that isn't a particularly a big deal, esp. when it primarily affects someone else - sort of a mild schadenfreude. Sometimes doubled or tripled, and possibly said in a sing-songy voice for added comedic effect to imitate a muted trumpet, which is how the meme originated.