The bizarre act seen in many porn films whereby a distinguished
gentleman or gracious lady with strap-on, grips the base of the phallus and lightly taps it upon the meaty buttock-flesh of a partner presenting themselves by resting on the knees and hands (or elbows (...or
face)). The most likely explanation for this phenomenon was offered by Professor Archibald Knobblyknackers of Christ College, Oxford, who theorised that the action was originally designed to test the hollowness of the awaiting bung-hole after the disastrous attempt by a disoriented Ron Jeremy to sodomise a helpless-yet-impenetrable Venus
De Milo prop, which resulted in an imploded
bellend and the brief resurrection of Michelangelo Batio for vengeance, who was given licence to
murder twelve pigeons after a hazardous filing error and accidental double-lifing on account of the fact he wasn’t dead in the first place. Thus, dick tamping was subsequently invented as a safety precaution to ensure adequate
space for a ram-passage, or to
check for cockroaches or something.
‘Always precede any acts of quadrapedal intercourse with thorough dick tamping. If you are not sure whether it is
safe to proceed, do not risk entry under any circumstances and contact your appointed
fire official, where the offending buttocks
will be taken away to be incinerated’ – the Porn Safety Handbook
