The
Beer Gorilla is, despite its size and strength, a remarkably stealthy creature.
Beer Gorillas only come out very late at
night or in the early hours of the morning. They stalk their prey - invariably, intoxicaed males - with great cunning, folloing them to their place of dwelling.
The
Beer Gorilla then waits patiently until all the occupants of the preisesare asleep and/or uncosncious before commencing its rampage. Sometimes the Gorilla will have sneaked in to the house after the drunken humans, and concelaed itself; on other occasions, it will employ its remarkable cimbing skills to enter via an upstairs
window, or in extreme cases, a chimney - like a sort of Sith Santa Claus.
Once inside the premises, the Gorilla proceeds to
trash te place. Typical activities incude:
- Eating every item of food in the premises and leaving the open containers scattered around (sometimes the Gorillla will order in a takeaway if insufficent cmestibles re to hand.
- Leaving a kettle, or a suacepan containing
eggs, on the stove to boil
dry- Vomiting in a wide range of locations
- Mis-connecting
hi-fi equipment in an attempt to access encrypted satellite channels without the proper equipment
- leavng refirdgerator and freezer doorsope just enough to ensure the contents spoil
- Depositing turds of gargantuan proportions in lavatoies, then failing to flush. Often, muc work with a spade, chisel and bilhook is needed the following
day to disrupt the structure of thse megaturds to the point where they will pass the U-bend, st hey have a tendency to set like cement.
- urinating in beverage containers
- Using an electric razor on domestic pets in a way that amuses intoxicated h8umns, but not the pets involved.
- Arranging items of street furniture (moveable or fixed) in various artistic patterns trougout the property
- Placing a complete stranger, in an unconscious and partially or completely unclothed state, on a couch,
floor or sofa. Often the Gorilla will swap such individuals from other locations
they visit, ensuring that when they awake, niether they nor the normal occupants have any idea of how they came to b there, or where their clothing and posessions are.
The Gorilla will also damge houehold fiztures andfittings in peculiar and inexplicable ways, and introduce substances such as floor polish, multisurface cleaner, and talcum powder into the mouths of sleeping residents, then disposing of any fruit
juice or other beverages which might be used to disperse the resultant dry mout and awful taste.
They will also conceal or destroy all stocks of
tea,
coffee, and medications suitable for relieving hangovers.
In the process of performing the above tasks, the Gorilla will also overturn furniture, strew clothes around, and cause utter
chaos, like a quiet but extremely thorough Poltergeist.
