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Old Testament: God creates the universe and he sees it and it's serious business, but then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her " Apple or GTFO"(cuz she was already showing tits). She chooses the former and then her and her fuck buddy Adam get b& from Eden for being trollbait. Then a lot of serious fucking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains a lot, really).

Then later, God gets uber pissed about Pharaoh Hitler pwning the jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so the Jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis; God Lol'd.

Some other less important shit happens, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about god for him to fap to.

New Testament: God finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. Nine months later Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday God gave Jesus more cheat codes than he gave Moses, plus the rcon password for life, and some CP.

Later, Jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. They forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life's server, and laughed at the Jews.

After that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this faggot Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff that Jesus never fucking said but everybody listened to Paul anyway because they're stupid.

THE END

- By Noah McHugh
I read the bible today, it was epic as hell.
by Noah McHugh May 08, 2008
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2
Primarily an account of the history of the human race as told by the ancient Hebrews in the oral tradition, later written down. It details not only the historical accounts of their people but the influence in their god, Yahweh. Yahweh is a god of history to these people and has a great influence in the course of human events. Also included in these texts are psalms or lyric writings concerning Yahweh, proverbs and prophesy concerning the fate of their people, and the coming of the Messiah who was foretold to bring the people of Yahweh out of bondage.
The portion of the bible commonly referred to as the New Testament pertains to an historical catalyst in the persona of Jesus of Nazareth, perceived by those who believed him to be the Messiah that was foretold. It is a collection of the memoirs of the apostles, known as the gospels and the acts of the apostles. also included are letters of the apostles to different Christian communities of their time admonishing them against behavior and belief that would lead them astray from the meaning of the gospels.
The bible is not necessarily a 'do this not that' affair. it is a collection of poetry, history, prophecy and legend. not all of it is necessarily historically acurate, but it is also not meant as a means of control. im not sure where everyone got that idea.
by Cliff Whitty August 25, 2006
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3
1.) a collection of fairy-tales designed to mislead groups of sheep into false hopes. contains hundreds of contradictions & many murders.

2.) proof that the christian god cannot exist.

3.) an alternate to education.
man_1 - "how do we explain our existence?"

man_2 - "im not sure, but i found this book called the Bible."

man_1 - "what does it say?"

man_2 - "this 'god' guy made us, & we shouldn't ask questions."

man_1 - "what does it say about science?"

man_2 - "that it's the devil."

man_1 - "but, what about all the facts & evidence we have?"

man_2 - "it's lies; god did it."

man_1 - "so, i don't have to analyze things anymore?"

man_2 - "no, you're a christian now."

man_1 - "hooray laziness!"
by Yooski February 14, 2010
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5
The most famous fantasy novel in human history.
The Bible isn't even that good, LOTR is a much better fantasy novel. The Bible is quite stupid and contradicts itself a lot. I think a retard wrote it.
by Bloodbath 87 March 06, 2009
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6
1. The world's best selling book. This book is a fictional story with various authors. It's protagonist is named 'God'.
2. A fictional book used as 'proof' in arguments.
3. A book prejudice against Homosexual people.
4. A recipe for war and manual for acceptable murder.
5. The biggest lie in human history.
Theist: The bible has all the answers.
Atheist: oh, yeah? Who created 'God'?
Theist: No one did. He always existed.
Atheist: Yeah? Now you call yourself smart, right?
Theist: yeah.
Atheist: Okay, you believe that there's an imaginary man living in the sky. That the man can see everything that you're doing every second of your life.
Theist: ...
Atheist: This 'God' loves everyone but is as forgiving as he is cruel. He forgives rapists and murderers but will never forgive homosexuals. This is pure s***.
by jfq June 19, 2008
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7
The most disputed collection of books in existence. Contain many life morals, Logic Flaws, and contradictions. WILL cause a heated argument with a zealous Christian if you even dare question so much as a word in it Often thumped by devout followers and used as an excuse to preform radical, and absurd acts. It's meanings are misinterpreted, and skewed by the Bible thumpers that "study it".
Bible Thumper: HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD WORD ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST WHO DIED FOR YOUR SINS? NO? IT STATES IT IN THE BIBLE, WHICH IF YOU DON'T READ AND ACCEPT AS THE WORD OF GOD YOU WILL GO TO HELL! BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU TO BE SAVED! JUST COME TO OUR CHURCH AND----
Me: Kthanksbai *slams door*
Bible Thumper: BLAH BLAH BLAH RELIGIOUS QUOTE BLAH BLAH BLAH, TALK UNTIL I FEEL JUSTIFIED EVEN THOUGH THE DOOR WAS SHUT IN MY FACE. BLAH BLAH BLAH I DON'T QUESTION FUNDAMENTAL FLAWS OF RELIGION AND THE BIBLE. BLAH BLAH BLAH JOHN 3:16 BLAH BLAH BLAH I MOLEST CHILDREN.
by The One who Questions April 15, 2011
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