Champaign Schanbacher

These Schanbacher's vary greatly from the rest of the Schanbacher's in the world. They tend to be crazy. They make nonsense jokes that are somehow hilarious. Some of them are dangerous. They tend to cause a lot of commotion everywhere they go. It is a known fact that 2 out of every 6 Champaign Schanbacher's chew with their mouths open and make odd noises while eating. Champaign Schanbacher's get along with each other very well and tend to watch each others back with the utmost attentiveness. Champaign Schanbacher's are either loved or hated for how different they are from others. Champaign Schanbacher's communicate with animals through high pitched voices that consist of made up words, jibberish, and objects that have been created in their imagination (i.e. SpidaMonsta, wigglebottomapotomus, poopclown, etc.). A Champaign Schanbacher, though not easily angered or intimidated, should be avoided at all costs if they go in to attack mode. They have been known to use defense tactics such as one hitter quitters, gorilla kicks, beyame stick beatings, hog tie a human techniques, run for your life paintball shootings, firecrackers attached to doors, spitting lugies on skeezers, and Jesus Swords made out of wooden 2x4's. Though Champaign Schanbacher's can be dangerous when provoked, it takes a lot to get one to the point of violence. Most of the time a Champaign Schanbacher just likes to enjoy day to day life with a weird twist.

I was walking through the mall the other day, when all of the sudden everything got really colorful and turned into a disco. The I look up, and to my surprise, a group of Champaign Schanbachers are flying in through this opening in the ceiling, on a huge flying banana that had a head like Richard Simmons, arms made of recycled sticky glue balls from underneath package labels, and feet off of an old lady with a fresh pedicure that did nothing because she still has terrible bunions. When they got off of the Richard Simmons flying banana with bunion feet, they quickly started cracking jokes like "Herman was this guy. When he eats, he makes a funny face. So give him a dollar because he deserves it." and everyone almost fell over with laughter, even though when I type it, it makes no sense, nor does it sound funny. When somebody put finger prints this glass window, it quickly angered one of them and they attacked with a swift hog tie technique and then he pulled out a wooden jesus sword that covered the guy in honey and sent tiny black ants crawling toward him! They quickly morphed into trees with the legs of Michael Jonsohn, the olympic runner, and disappeared just as fast as they arrived on that Richard Simmons banana.. It was sooo cool. I hope they are at the mall next time I go shopping!

Champaign Schanbacher by Dr. Herb Johnson April 1, 2009