Canadian Jacob Gone
When you and your Canadian boys are out at the bars on a Friday night and an American named Jacob walks in the door. Jacob started his night drinking with his friends in Murica’ but somehow gets separated and ends up in Canada with no recollection of how he achieved this feat as Jacob is piss drunk. Jacob instantly becomes a crowd favorite at the bar and part of your inner circle. As the night goes on it turns into a weekend filled drinking fest where Jacob ends up pulling off the Canadian Adele, Canadian Mud Puddle, Canadian Cannon Ball, as well as the Canadian Bottle Opener. As Sunday night rolls around you know that you have to set Jacob free. But you know if you set him free that one day and time he will return. You put your best Sasquatch mask on Jacob, cover him in maple syrup (more on why to follow) and your old hockey gloves. You and your crew bring Jacob to a hockey game where you put the bug in his ear about stealing the Zamboni. As Jacob jumps the boards butt ass naked still covered in maple syrup and wear the hockey gloves. As security tries to tackle and subdue Jacob he slips right out of their grasp on account of the maple syrup. Jacob achieves the theft of one of Canadas national treasures. As Jacob is driving the Zamboni across the Rainbow Bridge, police cars lights and sirens on following close behind, he has one hand with a Duce Duce of Canadian Lager the other is waving his fondest farewells to you. Knowing one day Jacob will be back but for now Jacob Gone.
Canadian Jacob Gone by Artie J Saves April 7, 2026
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