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Mormon

A main focus of the church of Jesus’ Christ of Latter Day Saints is on families. One purpose of their temples is to be eternally sealed as a family so you can be together forever. Resurrection part 2(heaven) is made up of three little groups depending how you lived your life; celestial, terrestrial, and telestrial.

Celestial is the highest heaven: it’s closer to god. you only get go there if you are sealed in the temple, have children, follow the word of wisdom, and if you repent for your sins. If you don’t have kids or get married, have fun in the terrestrial kingdom, especially if you’re gay. “sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded” meaning if you’re gay, the church expects you to suck it up and shove it. Next up is the telestrial kingdom, the place farthest from god. if you lived a good life and followed the Ten Commandments, but not the word of wisdom you go there. Hell is the absence of god’s presence. You go there if you get ‘led astray by satan’, aka leave the church.

Overall the Mormon church is based on lies, and only adjusts its core beliefs so it doesn’t get canceled. They have a good community that focuses on making sure even if you want to leave all your friends are from the church and they would just pity you for leaving. The families all put up a front to look good for each other so they can do something other than cry or make a sports metaphor about god in front of the whole church.
Me: This is a rant and it barely scratches the surface. Go to the church website, lds.org, for their values, they have a dictionary thing that states their beliefs on certain topics. For stuff against the church, the ces letter by Jeremy runnels is a good place to start. Another good spot is YouTube interviews with Ex-Mormons.
by Macetree November 28, 2021
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mormon juice

Mormon slang term for water - considering the poor fucks aren't allowed to drink anything else.
"How's it going brother? Wanna nice glass of mormon juice while we play a fun family friendly game of sharades?
by Uncle Mongo December 9, 2021
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mormon coffee

"how do Hosea have so much energy"
"mormon coffee"
by johnnyapplesemen December 29, 2021
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mormon cozy

when your friend is sleeping over and you get really tired and they say they're warm n cozy but you mishear it. to be mormon cozy is to be a happy little camper tucked in bed at 8pm.
example 1: i feel so mormon cozy!
example 2: you get mormon cozy when ur with friend and about to sleep! :D
by mormoncozy January 7, 2022
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Mormon handshake

1. Giving someone a handshake right after having sex without washing your hands.

2. When you’re right in the middle of having some nasty ass sex with your beautiful girlfriend when you suddenly hear a knock on the door. She is moaning loud, You’re both dripping in sweat, hair is a wreck, the room is hot and smelling like sex. She’s still lying on the couch naked, sexy and covered in sweat. She grabs a blanket to cover herself. You jump up and quickly put your shorts on and run to the door. You’re greeted by 2 nice young boys dressed in white shirts and ties who ask if you would like to hear more about our lord and savior Jesus Christ. You nicely decline and reach out your hand for a friendly handshake, completely forgetting that only moments ago your fingers were just deep inside your girlfriends wet pussy.
Dude, my hand smells like sex I think that guy just gave me a Mormon handshake.
by StarGirl;) June 26, 2022
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Mormon Steamer

A Mormon steamer is a variation of a Cleveland steamer and hoch replaces Shit for porage.

This variation of the Cleveland steamer was made and pioneered by Eli W. Piryznski.
“Wow, Eli sure does give good Mormon Steamers!”
by HotFrog December 11, 2022
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Mormon backdoor

When one has resided to oral sex until marriage with wandering digits.
I was enjoying Bambi’s exceptional oral skills, when suddenly I get the shock of a Mormon backdoor.
by MN Nut Guy March 19, 2023
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