Lauren
A gracious and pleasant young woman with refined tastes and a high degree of class. An accomplished individual who has knowledge that spans a significant number of subjects, the taste to choose her clothes and furnishings carefully, and who has a particular interest in and aptitude for writing and photography. Lauren is someone who enjoys board games with her friends and listening to hits from the 80s, and who doesn't get shitty when people make repeated unflattering reference to her ginger complexion. She is, in short, the kind of person many would be happy to know and call a friend or partner.
Or so you might think, meeting her for the first time. Use your Astounding Powers of Observation to see through her cunningly cultivated exterior, however, and the truth about Lauren turns out to be entirely different.
Lauren is in fact, despite her conservative garb and the innocent appearance she cultivates, an Evil and Depraved Person. She is also, almost certainly, a Witch. Beneath her pale, fragile exterior lurks a sinister soul that loves playing Bananagrams with her friends, harbours a twisted appreciation for Bob Ross, and possesses an unironic fondness for cats. She probably occupies her time casting spells on people and, if chucked in a lake, would probably float like a duck.
Hence Lauren is, all things told, in fact an Evil Nefarious Being. Everyone else has it wrong about her. Avoid Lauren if you're not someone who's providentially resistant to her charms and spells!
Or so you might think, meeting her for the first time. Use your Astounding Powers of Observation to see through her cunningly cultivated exterior, however, and the truth about Lauren turns out to be entirely different.
Lauren is in fact, despite her conservative garb and the innocent appearance she cultivates, an Evil and Depraved Person. She is also, almost certainly, a Witch. Beneath her pale, fragile exterior lurks a sinister soul that loves playing Bananagrams with her friends, harbours a twisted appreciation for Bob Ross, and possesses an unironic fondness for cats. She probably occupies her time casting spells on people and, if chucked in a lake, would probably float like a duck.
Hence Lauren is, all things told, in fact an Evil Nefarious Being. Everyone else has it wrong about her. Avoid Lauren if you're not someone who's providentially resistant to her charms and spells!
1.
A: Hey Charles, was really sorry to hear you've not been able to find any work and that your car and belongings have been repossessed- are you alright?
B: No need to pretend to care, Lauren. No one else does, and at any rate I don't care what others think. I know thee for what thou truly art, false-hearted enchantress!
A: ... Ok wait, wha-
B: WITCH!
2.
A: I get it; I have red hair. But-
B: WITCH!
3.
A: I don't quite see why you think I'm a witch though. Are you quite certain you've taken your medica-
B: Doesn't matter Lauren if I've taken my meds; not relevant. WITCH!
4.
A: Alright Charles, you win. I see there's no deceiving such a skilled observer of the carnival that is life as yourself. I admit it: I am a witch. Tell me, what gave me away?
B: Thou needn't be too hard on thyself, Lauren. People are always saying that I see things that no one else sees. The wart upon thy nose gave thee away
A: Oh. Huh. Indeed. Just one thing though- I, er, don't have a wart on my nose?
B: Look; whatever, Lauren. Inquisiting Discernerer that I am, some things I just know, ok? Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've a salamander I need to feed slices of broiled pineapple to, whilst dancing a jig by the fulgent light of the waning gibbous moon. Go thy ways, weird woman. Aroint thee!
A: Hey Charles, was really sorry to hear you've not been able to find any work and that your car and belongings have been repossessed- are you alright?
B: No need to pretend to care, Lauren. No one else does, and at any rate I don't care what others think. I know thee for what thou truly art, false-hearted enchantress!
A: ... Ok wait, wha-
B: WITCH!
2.
A: I get it; I have red hair. But-
B: WITCH!
3.
A: I don't quite see why you think I'm a witch though. Are you quite certain you've taken your medica-
B: Doesn't matter Lauren if I've taken my meds; not relevant. WITCH!
4.
A: Alright Charles, you win. I see there's no deceiving such a skilled observer of the carnival that is life as yourself. I admit it: I am a witch. Tell me, what gave me away?
B: Thou needn't be too hard on thyself, Lauren. People are always saying that I see things that no one else sees. The wart upon thy nose gave thee away
A: Oh. Huh. Indeed. Just one thing though- I, er, don't have a wart on my nose?
B: Look; whatever, Lauren. Inquisiting Discernerer that I am, some things I just know, ok? Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've a salamander I need to feed slices of broiled pineapple to, whilst dancing a jig by the fulgent light of the waning gibbous moon. Go thy ways, weird woman. Aroint thee!
Lauren by Charlemagne1993 August 20, 2020
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