Consultant

A self-proclaimed expert that extorts inflated fees from a host company in return for vague and predominently incorrect business advice.
The successful consultant detaches from its host at the exact moment its parasitic qualities are discovered by upper management. Thus, the successful consultant's term of engagement will last from months to years, until a mildly attentive decision-maker realizes that their burning ray of hope is all talk. Note that some middle managers and all other employees of the host will immediately recognize the consultant as a pathogen.
In order to gain access to a viable host, the consultant preys upon upper managements' lack of job expertise and unrealisistic dreams of grandure. By using a string of buzz-words and metaphors that appear as incoherent babble to most humans, the consultant will usually succeed in gaining an assignment to fix a non-existant problem purportedly caused by the host's employees.

"The consultant said that, once he has some free band-width, he will interface with his vast array of important contacts, leverage some syergies, and bring us up to speed with the rest of the industry.....No, really, those were his exact words."

by Booger Snow August 2, 2008

chainsaw consultant

Independent contractors brought in by upper management under the auspices of "streamlining work flow", but in actuality to suggest what positions can be eliminated thus reducing headcount and overhead for purposes of downsizing.

In the movie "Office Space" the characters referred to as "The Bobs" are classic examples of chainsaw consultants. The main character avoids being fired through a combination of unexpected brutal honesty about his lack of passion for his position, and also engendering camaraderie with those sent to determine if his
job is really necessary.

by Cale Dempster December 18, 2008

consultant

Someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then walks off with it

a consultant is a legitimate, occasionally usefull professional adivser

by 666Mike999 August 17, 2006

Network Consultant

A parasite that contributes nothing to the network and is only looking for ways to stay on the payroll. This is the individual at the burger joint that asks “do you want fries with that?” The network Consultant is constantly looking for useless network tweaks to justify his presence at a customer site. Be especially weary of the Euro-trash no talent hack type; this character dazzles senior management with a ridiculous accent all the while unraveling the solid network that’s in place. Network consultants never look at a network as a whole, but only analyze bits and pieces of it. In this manner they always have work do to since the last project they completed broke some other part of the network.

I’m gonna have to give nickel blow jobs in the street to get my self respect back after taking this network consultant job.

If that network consultant was on fire; I wouldn’t piss on him.

by network dog February 14, 2006

Cuntstantinople

Capital of Byzantine empire that later got occupied by cunty islamic mothafuckas

Cuntisha is leading a team of archaeologists excavating historic parts of cuntstantinople

by Jumbled McGobbledygook December 10, 2020

consultant

A man who knows 500 different ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.

The gov't. mistakenly hired a plethora of consultants to find a solution to the problem.

by Richard Kirshen October 24, 2003

management consultant

Someone who works for a management consulting firm. The consultant gets paid about 10% of what the firm charges the client for the consultants services. For example, the firm may charge the client $9,000 a week for the consultant but pays the consultant about $900 a week. A lot of consultants have never had any experience with the type of work that the client does.

The lifestyle at some firms consists of 100% travel. You leave on Sunday and come back on Friday. The travel and hotel are paid for and the consultant gets to keep the airline miles and hotel points. There is also per diem. The day can start at 630 AM when you meet with your team in the hotel lobby to leave for work. The clients site may be anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 minutes away. The clients provide the consultants with a makeshift office. The consultant may not get back to the hotel until 6PM.

The consultant is usually part of a team. The team leader may be someone with just a couple more years experience. Training tends to be on-the-job. There can be intense, almost violent, conflicts within the team and between a consultant and people who work in the client company.

A consultant is the lowest rung in the ladder, then comes project manager, then the guy who is managing multiple projects at the same time, then ultimately partner.

Most of the money is made from bonuses. A project manager may earn 65K but make a couple thousand in bonus money. Even people high in the ladder may make "only" about 90K but more than make up for it in bonuses.

It is difficult to explain what a management consultant does. There are some on-the-floor observations of what the client company does. There is interviewing of some people who work for the client. There is use of computers and installing new programs. The consultant recommends changes and try to implement them.The consultant seems to have to create his own work.

The "Bobs" in the movie Office Space were management consultants.

by Jose Miura October 14, 2006