Jesus class

A required class in catholic private schools, most often pertaining in some way to a god-and-man hybrid. Usually accompanies discrimination against women, other religions, homosexuals, etc. Generally the classes, intentionally or not, use inaccurate history and facts. Typically teachers are ignorant as to actual origins of feast days, traditions, holidays, and the like. Frequently denies scientific theories.

"Aly, why aren't you praying?"

"It's quite simple. Though your 'Jesus class' says otherwise, religion is fundamentally opposed to everything I hold in veneration--courage, clear thinking, honesty, fairness, and, most of all, the truth."

by Natsuki October 1, 2008

Jesus Tit Fuck

Getting Tit Fucked and cumming on her chin giving her the grey beard of an old Jesus.

Man her rack is so firm I'd want to give her a Jesus Tit Fuck

by The_Lion_Tamer July 12, 2011

Jesus fucking

When you fuck so hard and fast that you die and then revive 3 days later, and then get sent up to god's bedroom to do the same thing there.

Person 1: where the hell am I?
God: in my bedroom
Person 1: how did I die?
God: Jesus fucking...
Person 1: what?! Why am I in your bedroom
God: cause someone who can Jesus fuck only appears every 2 thousand years, now get in bed...

by A complete joke April 23, 2017

let Jesus out of the capsule

The act of performing much needed bowel movements to alleviate the buildup of fecile matter. The pressure differential after the act results in a heavenly feeling with minimal flatulence.

I'm sorry I made us miss our flight, but that was the first time let Jesus out of the capsule in three days and I was enjoying every second of it.

by SatelliteDaddy June 2, 2010

Snake Oil Jesus

noun: The person usually relied upon to achieve what amounts to a miracle when given impossible circumstances. This person is often found in a workplace, is underpaid and overworked, and usually ends up going postal. Also referred to as a 'discount miracle worker'.

Boss: "Jimmy, I need you to compile the last 3 years of P&L statements for the board meeting in 30 minutes."
Jimmy: "Right! What do I look like, some Snake Oil Jesus?"
Boss: "I knew I could count on you to come through. See you in 30!"
Jimmy: *sigh*

by Jaq Lemur December 9, 2008

Mauled by Jesus

Puts a hangover to shame. Very similar, minus alcohol. You could have waken up feeling totally exhausted after a night of hard partying/dancing, so sore in fact the only thing in the known universe that could cause such tremendous discomfort and pain would be Jesus mauling you.

*next day after party*
Alex: Duuude...that party was intense...how would you describe it?
Connor: I don't remember, but the pain suggests at one point i was mauled by Jesus

by bobbert the ghost eating toast August 22, 2011

Jesus Cookie

A killer band duo consisting of two men (guitar, drums) who met in Basking Ridge, New Jersey during their sophomore year of high school. Name derived from the fact that both have the same first and middle names ("Jason" and "Charles," respectively). Notable performances include the Ridge High School Battle of the Bands '05 and other varied basement shows and gatherings. Irreverently referred to as "Jason Cookie" by some groups cautious to use the name of Jesus.

Recognized Hits:

1. "Todd" - JCP/JCS
2. "Elmo" - JCP/JCS
3. "Potato" - JCP/JCS

"YO!! Jesus Cookie rocked so hard last night that my face melted and I had to get reconstructive plastic surgery to look somewhat normal again!"

by Jason Charles Sobieski November 5, 2008