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I don't know if I need a shit or a haircut

Originally Northern Irish, this expression shows confusion. As in:
(1) I'm so drunk I don't know if I need a shit or a haircut!
(2) What the fuck are you talking about?! You don't know if you need a shit or a haircut!

CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING 

I'm scared too but I'd rather deal with it than have you deal with it
"Hey mom i'm headed out!"

"CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING!"

if you need to ask someone to do you a favor today then come right out with it and don’t worry that they might refuse. Chances are they have been hoping you will call on them to assist you and will help out with no questions asked 

if you need to ask someone to do you a favor today then come right out with it and don’t worry that they might refuse. Chances are they have been hoping you will call on them to assist you and will help out with no questions asked
if you need to ask someone to do you a favor today then come right out with it and don’t worry that they might refuse. Chances are they have been hoping you will call on them to assist you and will help out with no questions asked

even if you have, even if you need

Even if you have, even if you need
I don't mean to stare, we don't have to breed
We could plant a house, we could build a tree
I don't even care, we could have all three

If you ever need anyone to lick things for ya, I’m your guy 

“If you ever need anyone to lick things for ya, I’m your guy” is something Daniel Seavey said after licking a present under the mistletoe.
Daniel: If you ever need anyone to lick things for ya, I’m your guy
Limelights: oh hell yeah