Velvet Tongue's definitions

Ivanwhore

The original name of the 1819 historical novel by Sir Walter Scott about a brave, loyal, Saxon whore before his editor suggested he make the novel about a knight rather than a male whore. When Walter protested, his editor is reported to have said, "I shortened the title by two measly letters. Just change the action from cocksuckling to swashbuckling and we'll be good to go."

When the boy said he wanted to read the book Ivanhoe, his teacher suggested, "you may want to read the original story Ivanwhore first, but your parents will have to sign a permission slip."

by Velvet Tongue March 7, 2026

Cuntatollah

A female state leader of the Iranian Islamic Republic wreaking havock through terror and repressive religious laws via weekly day-long rants at the Mosque.

The Cuntatollah succeeded the Ayatollah and ordered all men to wear her signature designed body length black robes with only their eyes and penises exposed. She called this the Hand-job Him-jab.

by Velvet Tongue February 28, 2026

Cum Rug

1. A thick coating of dried cum on bald head that resembles a hair piece or toupee. Full coverage usually requires multiple simultaneous ejaculations from a group as well as the use of some type of applicator by a stylist to ensure even application and shape.
2. A protective piece of carpet - usually a remnant, but sometimes an expensive, purpose-made, decorative oriental example costing many thousands of dollars - placed on the floor to capture ejaculate from various sex acts.

1. Jim enjoyed showing off his cum rug after having many men ejaculate on his bald head during group sex. His cosmetologist friend did a nice job spreading the cum and using masking tape and vinyl edging to prevent dripping during the drying process.
2. The tech billionaire positioned beautiful custom-designed oriental cum rugs next to his bed to capture his cum dripping from the anuses of his sex partners. When they became saturated, he encased the cum rugs in acrylic and displayed them under custom lighting in his sex dungeon.

by Velvet Tongue February 24, 2026

Snart

A combination of either a simultaneous snore and fart, snotty noseblow and fart, snort and fart, sniffle and fart, or any combination of the the aforementioned examples of uppermost respiratory and lowermost digestive tract offensive noises. Can be experienced by the same person or by multiple people within auditory proximity voicing all possible examples simultaneously. Can be experienced by an unlimited number of human beings simultaneously such as in a "snart wave" moving around a stadium at a sporting event or moving through an entire urban population. Context sensitive.

Bob had a bad head cold and snarted when he blew his nose and farted simultaneously. He had eaten a bean and vegetable dish at an earlier meal. Later that day, Bob's friend Jim recounted that he had been at his son's elementary school flag football championship game and had experienced a stadium snart wave composed of simultaneous snores, snot blows, sniffles, snorts, and farts due to the combination of sleepy grandparents, parents with colds, and many consuming chips with chili and queso from the concession stand.

by Velvet Tongue February 23, 2026

Poop Phonics

A method of teaching fecally focused children to read. They are encouraged to look in the toilet after pooping and use a stick to rearrange their floating turds into readable letter combinations and sounds they can use to form words.

5 year old Bobby was obsessed with his poop but was not interested in learning to read, so his mom introduced him to Poop Phonics. Soon he was building complex sounds in the toilet and reading above grade level.

by Velvet Tongue February 19, 2026

Anonymite

A person who exists with relative anonymity in their daily life in society. Anonymites rose to the majority as small town life, in which individual human beings were known to others they encountered on a daily basis, gave way to urban life, in which individuals primarily exist among people to whom they are unknown. Anonymites experience human life in highly dysfunctional way which severely compromises mental health, life satisfaction, and human society.

As an anonymite, Bob, who lived in a major metropolitan area, commuted on roads, shopped in stores, worked in a workplace, received medical care, and lived in an apartment complex surrounded by people unknown to him. He was unaware that technological and social change over a hundred years had turned the majority of Americans into depressed, anxious, blank-faced, substance-addicted, psychotropic drug-prescribed, media-saturated, socially disconnected anonymite drones.

by Velvet Tongue January 30, 2026

Shaftspeare

The surname of a Renaissance English bisexual man with an especially massive, stiff, and pointy penis who left a trail of bleeding lovers of both sexes with torn orifices in his wake. He was responsible for many fatal hemorrhages but was never identified and brought to justice. He successfully obscured his identity by dressing like William Shakespeare and reciting sonnets. Preceding Jack the Ripper by several hundred years, he may have provided him with inspiration. Jack the Ripper is reputed to have said, "a rip of the neck out-bleeds a tear of the bum any day. Shaftspeare was a prick."

Shaftspeare fucked her in the ass, tearing her rectum and anus, as he asked, "Do you like the rhythm? It's iambic pentameter" Being a fan of Shakespeare, she whimpered, "yes, your metering is impeccably timed" as she grew pale and faint and bled out.

by Velvet Tongue January 15, 2026