When a man attends Easter Sunday mass, (most often against his will by force of family, significant other etc.) he will quickly become incredibly disinterested and will look elsewhere to pass the time. It is at this moment that he realizes all the female parishioners dressing in their " Easter Sunday best" (i.e. dressing as promiscuously as possible despite the irony of attending church). It is important to note that this is one of the first times all year where the temperature permits the wearing of scantily clad clothing. After this phenomenon has been noted by the male, he will then begin to seek out the best looking women among the parish whom are dressed slutty as fuck, and begin to daydream about fucking the shit out of them. It is by this, and only this process, that the man is able to maintain his sanity during the mass. In some cases, the male might even take mental images for his spank bank.
Mike 1: Easter's coming up man, my lady's gonna make me go to church. Shit.
Mike 2: At least you have the easter egg cunt to look forward to!
Mike 2: At least you have the easter egg cunt to look forward to!
by Mike and Mike the Accountants April 14, 2017
When a male attempts to urinate standing up while his penis is erect. In most cases he must squat, bend, etc. in efforts to get his penis as close as possible to the bowl without actually touching it leaving him in a peculiar and uncomfortable position. This normally occurs in conjunction with morning wood, or immediately after ejaculating.
by Mike and Mike the Accountants May 26, 2017
"Raped" spelled backward. This term refers to the very small percentage of the time where a person (likely female) implores you to stop touching, groping, or performing any other sexual advances when, in fact, the individual actually wants said advances but expresses the opposite sentiment for various, unknown reasons. You, being the upstanding and law-abiding individual that you are, immediately cease all sexual advances in efforts to avoid rape and/or sexual harassment charges. Usually the person being "sexually harassed" sends a disappointed text message the next day asking why you stopped your sexual advances and adds something like "I wanted to fuck you so badly".
Kelly: Mike, what happened last night, I wanted you to fuck my brains out?
Me: You yelled "stop you're raping me"!
Kelly: I was just saying that so you'd try harder!
Me: Omg I just got depar
Me: You yelled "stop you're raping me"!
Kelly: I was just saying that so you'd try harder!
Me: Omg I just got depar
by Mike and Mike the Accountants February 16, 2017
During the act of male masturbation, cruise cumtrol is the task of maintaining one's erection either whilst browsing pornographic videos, while the video is loading/buffering, while the video is streaming mundane content (see "fap forward"), during the awkward scrotum vag exclusive shots, etc. If performed correctly, cruise cumtrol requires minimal lubrication due to the speed of the stroke, and increases the intensity of one's orgasm. The inconvenient truth of the matter is that the cruise cumtrol stage of masturbation often lasts the majority duration of the masturbatory session but significantly enhances the size of the male's warm gooey bukake mess.
Mike 1: Dude I had like a 40 min fap sesh last night
Mike 2: Your dick must be raw as roadkill!
Mike 1: Naw I was in the act of cruise cumtrol for 99% of it and how I have to send my mac to the apple store for cleaning...
Mike 2: Your dick must be raw as roadkill!
Mike 1: Naw I was in the act of cruise cumtrol for 99% of it and how I have to send my mac to the apple store for cleaning...
by Mike and Mike the Accountants September 07, 2017
The "judgement call" a man must make in the moments preceding impending orgasm whilst having unprotected sex, regarding the placement of his ejaculatory load. Despite the agreement, discussion, etc. that he and his partner may have had before and during sex, the man has the ultimate power whether to pull out or not, and where to ejaculate should he indeed pull out. Scrupulous and complex calculations are performed by the man during these nanoseconds. These calculations weigh factors such as chance of child conception, partner reaction and, ultimately, satisfaction.
Mike 1: Dude I had to make a hard cumdgement call whether to pull out or not. By my calculations, the best move was to splooge on her face.
Mike 2: Was she on birth control?
Mike 1: Yea but who cares?
Mike 2: Was she on birth control?
Mike 1: Yea but who cares?
by Mike and Mike the Accountants March 17, 2017
Common among older men, this refers to a condition in which one's urination stream is halted briefly every few seconds, then quickly returns to normal pressure. This cycle can occur several times during urination, depending on the volume of liquid being released. Contracting a busted stick shift can be caused by several medical conditions, but is most prevalent as a result of enlarged prostate gland complications. The term is derived from the ebb in motion caused when shifting gears using a manual transmission car. The change in acceleration revolving around this phenomenon is often embellished by poor driving and or broken (i.e. busted) stick shift. For the sake of this definition, the "stick" refers to the man's penis.
Mike 1: Dude that director that was pissing next to me had a totally busted stick shift.
Mike 2: O yea? He should consider masturbating more, I hear it clears prostate complications
Mike 2: O yea? He should consider masturbating more, I hear it clears prostate complications
by Mike and Mike the Accountants April 07, 2017
The act of a male inserting his penis into a women's vagina after pulling it out of her anus. Presumably there is fecal matter on the man's penis, which ultimately makes its way to the woman's vagina.
Mike 1: Some bitch wanted me to pound her ass last night.
Mike 2: How'd it go?
Mike 1: Pretty nasty in fact, she tapped out after like 3 seconds but I made sure I got my nut by giving her the old muddy snapper. I then doused my cock in Clorox.
Mike 2: How'd it go?
Mike 1: Pretty nasty in fact, she tapped out after like 3 seconds but I made sure I got my nut by giving her the old muddy snapper. I then doused my cock in Clorox.
by Mike and Mike the Accountants September 15, 2017