Definitions by Jamie Douglas
mighty weapon
mighty weapon by Jamie Douglas January 21, 2007
beer farts
Beer farts are the product of drinking too much beer, especially but not exclusively bitter.
They are incredibly smelly and frequent, and make your bum itch.
Beer farts are the worst thing to develop on a date, unless you feel comfortable blaming noxious odours on your partner.
They are incredibly smelly and frequent, and make your bum itch.
Beer farts are the worst thing to develop on a date, unless you feel comfortable blaming noxious odours on your partner.
John: "Bloody hell Jim, after those bitters last night I've been farting all morning!"
Jim: "Me too - the beer farts are coming thick and fast!"
What's that smell? Beer farts.
Man: "It's so good of you to agree to go out with me."
{Cue uncontrollable beer farts}
Woman: "Was that you?"
Man: "No you smelly ogre, it was you!"
Jim: "Me too - the beer farts are coming thick and fast!"
What's that smell? Beer farts.
Man: "It's so good of you to agree to go out with me."
{Cue uncontrollable beer farts}
Woman: "Was that you?"
Man: "No you smelly ogre, it was you!"
beer farts by Jamie Douglas January 20, 2007
banapkin
A hybrid plant bred using the seeds from a banana and a pumpkin. It is grown exclusively in Peasingwold, North Yorkshire (see below).
The banapkin has a soft leathery outer skin, which is a sort of dirty yellow/orange colour and is usually not eaten. It has an extended spherical shape, not dissimilar to a rugby football except the banapkin is slightly bent (like a boomerang). The inside is soft and delicious. It may be eaten raw, or better cooked (see below). The banapkin is a so called superfood, as many exceptional health benefits are associated with it.
-Peasingwold-
The village of Peasingwold, North Yorkshire, was belatedly added to the world map when in 1999 a student at Peasingwold technical horticultural college developed a now patented technique to fuse together the seeds of a pumpkin and a banana. The student, Mark Foe, sold his technique to the local working mens club for a pint of John Smiths and a bag of prawn cocktail flavour crisps. The patent is now worth an estimated £350million. In 2005 the AA added Peasingwold to it's list of 3 places to see before you die, where it replaced London.
-Physical Properties-
Weight (approx): 1 (kg)
Volume (approx): 5 (dm-3)
Electrical conductivity: 10 (Sm-1)
pH: 5
Magnetic permeability: 500 (Hm-1)
Refractive index: 4.2
Speed of sound in banapkin: 300,000 (ms-1)
Viscosity: 999,999,999 (Pa-s)
-Cooking-
Although the banapkin may be eaten raw it is best cooked. A small amount of salt brings out it's tasty flavour which may best be described as a cross between a potato and chicken. Many famous chefs including Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver, Delia Smith and Shaque O'Neil recommend roasting the flesh of the banapkin before serving on a bed of fresh salad. Gas Mark 9, 300C or 480F for around 3 hours a pound plus 20 minutes is the suggested roasting guideline. I personally enjoy banapkin in my man breakfast and often fry it up with the bacon.
-Cost-
The banapkin is an inexpensive treat, and may be bought at any branch of HSBC bank for the same price as seven loaves of bread or five fishes. The price of the banapkin did fall shortly after the tradgedy of 9/11, when malicious apple farmers claimed that trained banapkins and not members of Al-Quaeda had masterminded the attacks.
-Health Benefits-
The banapkin is chock full of antioxidants, the chemicals scientists believe slow and in some cases even reverse the ageing process. In addition the banapkin has vitamins A, B12, C, D, E, W, riboflavin and tin, and is a good source of protein and other long-lasting slow-burning fuels. Historically banapkin was a herbal remedy used to cure aesthetic disfigurement, although the success of this treatment has yet to be scientifically proven.
-Media Coverage-
Given the many exciting things connected with the banapkin, media converage has been surprisingly limited. The BBC news anchor Huw Edwards was recently seen noshing on a raw banapkin at the start of the 6'o'clock news, although he denied this and claimed he had in fact been noshing on fellow presenter Fiona Bruce. The Times newspaper ran a four page spread on the banapkin in 2003 and this prompted mass consumption of the peculiar delight. It is believed that the poor media coverage of the banapkin is connected with the strangle hold that right-wing corner shop owners, who are banned from selling the produce, have over the world media.
-The Future-
The future of the banapkin is shrouded in mystery. In 2006 the Peasingwold working mens club sold the patent to an unnamed Australian company for an 8 figure sum. The only thing known about the company are their initials, ACB, which has led many leading sports experts to conclude that the success of the Aussies in the 05/06 ashes series was due to the banapkin in addition to other performance enhancing substances.
The banapkin has a soft leathery outer skin, which is a sort of dirty yellow/orange colour and is usually not eaten. It has an extended spherical shape, not dissimilar to a rugby football except the banapkin is slightly bent (like a boomerang). The inside is soft and delicious. It may be eaten raw, or better cooked (see below). The banapkin is a so called superfood, as many exceptional health benefits are associated with it.
-Peasingwold-
The village of Peasingwold, North Yorkshire, was belatedly added to the world map when in 1999 a student at Peasingwold technical horticultural college developed a now patented technique to fuse together the seeds of a pumpkin and a banana. The student, Mark Foe, sold his technique to the local working mens club for a pint of John Smiths and a bag of prawn cocktail flavour crisps. The patent is now worth an estimated £350million. In 2005 the AA added Peasingwold to it's list of 3 places to see before you die, where it replaced London.
-Physical Properties-
Weight (approx): 1 (kg)
Volume (approx): 5 (dm-3)
Electrical conductivity: 10 (Sm-1)
pH: 5
Magnetic permeability: 500 (Hm-1)
Refractive index: 4.2
Speed of sound in banapkin: 300,000 (ms-1)
Viscosity: 999,999,999 (Pa-s)
-Cooking-
Although the banapkin may be eaten raw it is best cooked. A small amount of salt brings out it's tasty flavour which may best be described as a cross between a potato and chicken. Many famous chefs including Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver, Delia Smith and Shaque O'Neil recommend roasting the flesh of the banapkin before serving on a bed of fresh salad. Gas Mark 9, 300C or 480F for around 3 hours a pound plus 20 minutes is the suggested roasting guideline. I personally enjoy banapkin in my man breakfast and often fry it up with the bacon.
-Cost-
The banapkin is an inexpensive treat, and may be bought at any branch of HSBC bank for the same price as seven loaves of bread or five fishes. The price of the banapkin did fall shortly after the tradgedy of 9/11, when malicious apple farmers claimed that trained banapkins and not members of Al-Quaeda had masterminded the attacks.
-Health Benefits-
The banapkin is chock full of antioxidants, the chemicals scientists believe slow and in some cases even reverse the ageing process. In addition the banapkin has vitamins A, B12, C, D, E, W, riboflavin and tin, and is a good source of protein and other long-lasting slow-burning fuels. Historically banapkin was a herbal remedy used to cure aesthetic disfigurement, although the success of this treatment has yet to be scientifically proven.
-Media Coverage-
Given the many exciting things connected with the banapkin, media converage has been surprisingly limited. The BBC news anchor Huw Edwards was recently seen noshing on a raw banapkin at the start of the 6'o'clock news, although he denied this and claimed he had in fact been noshing on fellow presenter Fiona Bruce. The Times newspaper ran a four page spread on the banapkin in 2003 and this prompted mass consumption of the peculiar delight. It is believed that the poor media coverage of the banapkin is connected with the strangle hold that right-wing corner shop owners, who are banned from selling the produce, have over the world media.
-The Future-
The future of the banapkin is shrouded in mystery. In 2006 the Peasingwold working mens club sold the patent to an unnamed Australian company for an 8 figure sum. The only thing known about the company are their initials, ACB, which has led many leading sports experts to conclude that the success of the Aussies in the 05/06 ashes series was due to the banapkin in addition to other performance enhancing substances.
-Recipie for Banapkin Pie-
You will need:
4 banapkins
1 tbl spoon of salt
1 family sized, ready made, chicken pie
Directions:
Peel the banapkins and mash up the flesh using a fork. As you mash the flesh, add all the salt gradually.
Take the pie, and cut it in half. Scoop out the filling so you are just left with a 'pie shell'. Feed the removed pie filling to your neighbours or pet grizzly.
Stuff the mashed banapkin into both halves of the 'pie shell'. Now bring the two halves of the pie together so it looks like a complete pie. Sprinkle a little more salt on top of the pie, and roast in the oven for around 3 hours on gas mark 9, 300C, 480F. Serve with red wine.
You will need:
4 banapkins
1 tbl spoon of salt
1 family sized, ready made, chicken pie
Directions:
Peel the banapkins and mash up the flesh using a fork. As you mash the flesh, add all the salt gradually.
Take the pie, and cut it in half. Scoop out the filling so you are just left with a 'pie shell'. Feed the removed pie filling to your neighbours or pet grizzly.
Stuff the mashed banapkin into both halves of the 'pie shell'. Now bring the two halves of the pie together so it looks like a complete pie. Sprinkle a little more salt on top of the pie, and roast in the oven for around 3 hours on gas mark 9, 300C, 480F. Serve with red wine.
banapkin by Jamie Douglas January 16, 2007
cattle market
A nightclub frequented by women of low standard who are out to show off there wares in the hope of a sly grope or of making out. These women are normally over 40 or under 18, and most would be mistaken for hookers if they were seen in natural light.
A cattle market is the sort of place that male first year undergraduate students at university go all the time in an effort to get their end away, but this invariably results in the guilty boys leaving the venue with an itch.
The term derives because the women in these clubs are essentially showing themselves off in the hope of being taken home, just as cattle are shown off at cattle markets in the hope of being sold.
A cattle market is the sort of place that male first year undergraduate students at university go all the time in an effort to get their end away, but this invariably results in the guilty boys leaving the venue with an itch.
The term derives because the women in these clubs are essentially showing themselves off in the hope of being taken home, just as cattle are shown off at cattle markets in the hope of being sold.
Bill: "Let's go down Icon and Diva!"
Pete: "We can't go there, it's a right cattle market!"
"Ooh, I was in Creation last night and pulled this slapper - now I have an itch! Serves me right for visiting such a cattle market!"
"Let's go down to Gatecrasher - I hear it's a real cattle market down there!"
Pete: "We can't go there, it's a right cattle market!"
"Ooh, I was in Creation last night and pulled this slapper - now I have an itch! Serves me right for visiting such a cattle market!"
"Let's go down to Gatecrasher - I hear it's a real cattle market down there!"
cattle market by Jamie Douglas January 6, 2007
Corridor of Uncertainty
1. A line in football exactly between the back line and the goalkeeper, usually roughly level with the six-yard-box. Any cross into the Corridor of Uncertainty will cause all sorts of panicky and comedy defending as neither goalie nor defence are sure to come or stay.
2. A line in cricket, when the ball pitches usually on a length, just outside the batsmans off-stump. It is such a good line that it leaves the batsman unsure of whether or not to play a shot, and usually results in either an edge, a play-and-a-miss or some other form of comedy cricket.
3. A dark alleyway.
4. A womans anus. Do you dare venture into the Corridor of Uncertainty?
2. A line in cricket, when the ball pitches usually on a length, just outside the batsmans off-stump. It is such a good line that it leaves the batsman unsure of whether or not to play a shot, and usually results in either an edge, a play-and-a-miss or some other form of comedy cricket.
3. A dark alleyway.
4. A womans anus. Do you dare venture into the Corridor of Uncertainty?
Ooh, he's put that cross right along the Corridor of Uncertainty and caught the defence in one dilly of a pickle!
Fletcher: "If you keep putting the ball into the Corridor of Uncertainty, you'll get an edge for a wicket eventually."
Harmison: "OK, but what if I just bowl at second slip?"
Paul: "Let's go this way. It's a short cut."
Mike: "No, I can't see down there - it's a Corridor of Uncertainty."
James: "Let's have sex!"
Milly: "We can't, it's my time of the month!"
James: "No worries, I'll just put it in the Corridor of Uncertainty."
Milly: "Ouch!"
Fletcher: "If you keep putting the ball into the Corridor of Uncertainty, you'll get an edge for a wicket eventually."
Harmison: "OK, but what if I just bowl at second slip?"
Paul: "Let's go this way. It's a short cut."
Mike: "No, I can't see down there - it's a Corridor of Uncertainty."
James: "Let's have sex!"
Milly: "We can't, it's my time of the month!"
James: "No worries, I'll just put it in the Corridor of Uncertainty."
Milly: "Ouch!"
Corridor of Uncertainty by Jamie Douglas January 5, 2007
barm
barm by Jamie Douglas December 19, 2006
man breakfast
The ultimate male culinary delight.
The man breakfast (TM) must contain all of the following.
Bacon
Sausage
Egg
Mushroom
Black Pudding
Hash Browns
Beans
Tomato
Toast/Fried Bread
Extra such as ketchup, brown sauce, salt and pepper are essential.
The man breakfast is the only way to defeat a hangover, which is God's way of telling you that you had a good night.
The man breakfast (TM) must contain all of the following.
Bacon
Sausage
Egg
Mushroom
Black Pudding
Hash Browns
Beans
Tomato
Toast/Fried Bread
Extra such as ketchup, brown sauce, salt and pepper are essential.
The man breakfast is the only way to defeat a hangover, which is God's way of telling you that you had a good night.
Hey! You left the mushrooms off this man breakfast!
Oi! There's chips on my man breakfast - take it away!
Oi! There's chips on my man breakfast - take it away!
man breakfast by Jamie Douglas December 19, 2006