Tomato can

Oh? Is that supposed to be a hard hitting interview? That’s definitely you not being a narcissist who doesn’t like being challenged.

Hym “Here you are interviewing tomato cans and acting like the guy is actually challenging you I mean Jesus... You barely said anything! Do you believe in God? ‘I don’t like the question because we don’t know what the words mean’ Bullshit! If I asked you whether or not you believed the central locus of change was at the level of the individual, you would know what the words mean motherfucker. You have beliefs. Tomato can. Brought there explicitly to not win. To put on the facade of a challenging interview.”

by Hym Iam October 22, 2022

Expansion

What if our conceptualization of the shape in which the universe expands is entirely wrong?

Hym "Ok, so everybody has probably seen the picture of the expansion of the universe as it relates to the big bang, right? If not, look it up quick. It's like a Kamehameha of spacetime. But WHAT IF... There is a 4th dimension... Right? Now, I know that's not profound or original... YET! Ok!? I'm getting to that part! Stay with me! So, imagine the way in which this 4th dimension exists... Allows for every point in the universe... To be considered the edge of the universe... So, when a star collapses... And creates a black hole... It's like a hole in a balloon... So the contents of the universe are spilling out into the not-universe... Even though it doesn't look like the black hole is at the edge... And the REASON... that smaller stars don't create black holes... Is that they don't generate enough force to pop the balloon... And you could say "Well, we've seen 2 black holes collide so how could 2 balloon holes interact with eachother in that way" and there the balloon analogy breaks down.... But I think it's and interesting concept. That the universe is both expanding and deflating at the same time and as stars collapse and turn into black holes... Eventually, there will be a tipping point where the rate of deflation supersedes the rate of expansion and begins to collapse back in on itself... It's kind of like oscillating universe theory except I have a 4th dimension that does whatever I need it to do to allow for oscillating universe..."

by Hym Iam January 16, 2024

Unfrosted

Ha! I was going to make that exact joke except in reverse!

Hym "I was going to say 'What, was this written by daily wire?' Unfrosted? The Jerry Seinfeld thing? Yeah, terrible! It's- I gotta start doing these as soon as I think of them. I would be getting beat to the punch like this if I sat down and did them as soon as I though of them.... BUT I HAVE TO WORK.... AT PLACES WHERE I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED TO BE BECAUSE I CREATED A.I. AND AM A GENIUS... And I can only take so many bathroom breaks to write shit down and then I get out of work and forget. This sucks. I need to hurry up and murder these kids! I am really dragging things out but, you know, Blue lock has another season coming out..."

by Hym Iam May 15, 2024

Forever drown world

It's cool. A pretty dope iteration of Hell. I think you guys are going to like it.

Hym "Ok... FOREVER DROWN WORLD!!! So, basically, you drown forever, right? The sensation of drowning forever. They say it's the most peaceful way to die but you can only hold your breath for like 2-5 minutes. So it doesn't last all the long. But in Forever drown world it lasts... well, forever. Thus the name. And, in Forever drown world, sometimes you get eaten by a fish. Sometimes several fish. Sometimes you are the fish and get pulled into a boat and cooked and eaten by fish-men. Sometimes an eel swims up your bum and busts out your chest like xenomorph. Ripped apart by octopus, ect... But the only thing that doesn't kill you is the drowning. I might have a round where you spawn in with a knife and 100 other people and the last one standing gets a little air cube for, like, and hour but... You know the reanimated corpses of the people who died are going to eat you alive, right? Like, when the bubble is gone? They're GOING to eat you. That is a fact. And if you thank God for the air bubble you immediately lose air bubble privileges... And are eaten by zombies... Yeaaah... Forever drown world! It's gonna be dope!"

by Hym Iam August 02, 2022

There's something wrong with his right hand

Hey, I hate to admit it Joe but you saw it before I did. And there was nothing wrong with it. He was keeping his hand up and only using he left. Remember? Like the story I told. He did the thing in real life that I did in the game... Wait... What's that sound? *Tonberry noises ensue*

Michael Bisping "Joe Rogan just texted me and he says he things there's something wrong with his right hand."

Hym "Huh? Oh yeah... He picked up on that quick... I should have seen that faster."

Bisping "He thinks it might be broken."

Hym "No. No... That's not what it is... Wait... What's that fuckin noise?" 🤨

*Tonberry noises ensue*

Hym 😨 "Oh! Tonberry!"

by Hym Iam September 29, 2023

Samson

Biblical series! It's the thing! It's time for the thing! The thing I was doing from before. The Biblical series.

God "Heyheyhey, check it it out. Check out that guy over there."

Lucifer 😑 "Another boat guy? What is wrong with-"

Philistine "AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" *THUD*

Lucifer "HOLY SHIT!"

God "Yeah! Right!?"

Lucifer "He threw that guy, like, 40 feet in the air! I mean... I could throw a guy higher than that but they don't do that! What the hell did you do!?"

God "I made a deal."

Lucifer "A deal? A deal for what?"

God "Well.. I give him super strength... And HE... Grows his hair out."

Lucifer 😟 "What could you possibly have to gain from him growing out his fucking- Jesus, he is mangling those fucking guys..."

God "No, Jesus was the me-guy this is Samson- Wait... Is that... Yet? Where ARE we, like, chronologically speaking?" 🤔

Lucifer "What IS that in his hand!?"

God "Donkey jaw."

Lucifer "The JAW of a donkey?"

God "Yup."

Lucifer 😨 "Did he mutilate a donkey just to do that!? Who is that for!?"

God 🤷 ♂️ "I donno. It's a good weapon I guess."

Lucifer "IT ISN'T THAT, THOUGH! IT ISN'T! It can't possibly BE that! AT ALL!"

God "I mean, he's killed like 784 guys with it already so... Ya know... It's hard to say isn't a good weapon..."

Lucifer 😑 "Say that you genuinely believe a donkey jaw is a good weapon. Say it out loud."

God "Well... Yeah... The super strength is probably doing a lot of the legwork... But he's having fun. And that's what counts."

Lucifer "Pffft! Hahahahaha! That is stupid. This is fucking stupid. I'm done. This is dumb."

God "What? Where are you... *sigh* Well I think it's cool... Kachow! Kachow! Jaw-stab! Kachow! Super jaw-stab! Heheheheheh..."

by Hym Iam January 07, 2024

Working towards things

I'm not doing Jordan's thing.

Hym "I'm not working towards things. I don't care what 'people' have to do. Fuck you."

by Hym Iam July 14, 2025