Definitions by Howard Ogden

The Strait of Hormel

The narrow and precarious passage through the digestive system navigated by Spam, canned chili, and other Hormel products. Like its geopolitical namesake, a critical chokepoint through which significant quantities of heavily processed material must pass, at considerable strategic risk to all parties involved.

"After three cans of Hormel chili at the tailgate, Dave spent the rest of the game navigating the Strait of Hormel."

"The Strait of Hormel is open, but conditions are hazardous."

The Strait of Hormel by Howard Ogden September 15, 2026

hiker gang

A territorial band of hikers who claim a trailhead as their turf, roll deep in matching moisture-wicking colors, and settle disputes over switchback right-of-way with passive-aggressive trekking-pole clicks.

Rival hiker gangs converged on the same overlook and things got tense — someone's Camelbak strap was definitely a statement.

The summit register was tagged by at least three different hiker gangs before 9am.

hiker gang by Howard Ogden September 13, 2026

fastedious

Having an annoying compulsion toward cleanliness and order — a blend of fastidious and, well, the sense that it's a little much. Describes someone who alphabetizes the spice rack unprompted and re-wipes counters you just wiped.

He got fastedious about the garage over the weekend and now I can’t find anything, because everything’s “organized.”

My roommate is so fastedious she irons the dish towels.

fastedious by Howard Ogden September 13, 2026

endwarfins

The rush of neurotransmitters and neuropeptides triggered specifically by watching the Seven Dwarfs march home singing "Heigh-Ho" — that particular high of pickaxes, whistling while you work, and communal domestic bliss in a cottage built for men half your height.

I only meant to watch the Heigh-Ho scene for the endwarfins, and then it was two hours later and I'd watched the whole movie.

Endwarfins aren't just a Snow White thing — I get the same hit off the Lollipop Guild in Oz.

endwarfins by Howard Ogden September 13, 2026

J'accuzzi

The act of calling someone out for farting in the hot tub. Part accusation, part public health announcement. (A portmanteau of Zola's "J'accuse" and jacuzzi.)

Wait, was that you? J'accuzzi!

Nobody move, we're doing a J'accuzzi investigation until someone confesses.

J'accuzzi by Howard Ogden September 12, 2026

Rhesus pieces

noun

Small droppings left behind by rhesus monkeys — the primate equivalent of tic tacs, generally discovered underfoot, on a windowsill, or scattered across whatever surface the monkey deemed acceptable.

Don't set your lunch down on that ledge, it's covered in Rhesus pieces.

The temple guide warned us to watch our step — the courtyard was littered with Rhesus pieces.

Rhesus pieces by Howard Ogden September 12, 2026

broadcast bonhomie

The plastic, wall-to-wall cheer and fake geniality of anyone paid to seem delighted to be there — talk show hosts, morning news anchors, and celebrities doing press junkets.

Did you catch her broadcast bonhomie on the morning show? She laughed at the weatherman's joke like it was the first time anyone had ever said "partly cloudy" before.

After the fourth interview of the press tour, his broadcast bonhomie was starting to look like rigor mortis with teeth.

You could see the broadcast bonhomie crack for a second when the host realized the guest wasn't going to plug the movie.

broadcast bonhomie by Howard Ogden September 12, 2026