By the time Willow decided to attend her stepmother’s remarriage to Joe-the-Plumber, all the motels in Provincetown had been booked, so she spent the pre-nuptials night on a frenemy’s pullout torture bed and ruined her party back.
“Silas,” says Gal, “I seriously want to stay the weekend and help curate your 3,000-piece Educa Amsterdam puzzle, but the prospect of winding up gagging in your torture bed makes me honestly say I must beg off.”
“I know it’s not the torture bed but the Axe,” says Silas. “It’s always been the Axe.”
“Silas,” says Gal, “I seriously want to stay the weekend and help curate your 3,000-piece Educa Amsterdam puzzle, but the prospect of winding up gagging in your torture bed makes me honestly say I must beg off.”
“I know it’s not the torture bed but the Axe,” says Silas. “It’s always been the Axe.”
by Hifalutin! February 07, 2022
Get the Torture bed mug.“I’m sorry you had to wait on that frigid corner,” I told Tobee again when we were home in our warm drop seats. “I said East Second street, you heard East Seventh. It was a maskmuffle.”
“If you invoke the maskmuffle excuse one more time,” Tobee said, “I will pour this mulled cider on your wig!”
Sweetums-Angelica didn’t know if her dear old mother ignored her when she directed her to put the cow’s milk in the SubZero, or if it was just another case of mask muffle.
“If you invoke the maskmuffle excuse one more time,” Tobee said, “I will pour this mulled cider on your wig!”
Sweetums-Angelica didn’t know if her dear old mother ignored her when she directed her to put the cow’s milk in the SubZero, or if it was just another case of mask muffle.
by Hifalutin! February 05, 2022
Get the Maskmuffle mug.“Why’d you have to invite James, Jr.,” demanded CocoPuff. “The last thing we need is another coldbody on this cruise.”
“Once upon a time, Sag Harbor softball picnics rocked,” grumbled Big Bess. “Then we merged leagues with the fruits, and in come the Amagansett coldbodies.”
“Water after wine,” agreed The Squid.
“Once upon a time, Sag Harbor softball picnics rocked,” grumbled Big Bess. “Then we merged leagues with the fruits, and in come the Amagansett coldbodies.”
“Water after wine,” agreed The Squid.
by Hifalutin! February 03, 2022
Get the Coldbody mug.“It’s a glitter bomb, what can I say,” tear-streaked Angie apologizes as she steps out of Frank E. Campbell funeral home “– it’s My Nicest Mask.”
“It might only be Spirit,” Guppy explained, “but after postponing this trip for two years I am sure gonna put on My Nicest Mask—and eat any damn in-flight non-GMO peanuts they provide.”
“It might only be Spirit,” Guppy explained, “but after postponing this trip for two years I am sure gonna put on My Nicest Mask—and eat any damn in-flight non-GMO peanuts they provide.”
by Hifalutin! February 05, 2022
Get the My Nicest Mask mug.A tough season in which you might need a little extra antiseptic assistance, whether mental or physical.
Ms. Jerri left a top seat at Interpol under a cloud but with her head held high: “It’ll pass,” she writes primly in a personal email. “Nothing but a trifling wetsnap.”
“We’re packing for Armageddon,” BooBoo pronounced as he dumped sand out of his shoe. “Marcy, round up the H2O, SPF30plus, wild-sourced grits, a pair of good tweezers and plenty of first-batch Vitamin D in case we hit a wetsnap. I’ll go hotwire the neighbor’s Volvo.”
“We’re packing for Armageddon,” BooBoo pronounced as he dumped sand out of his shoe. “Marcy, round up the H2O, SPF30plus, wild-sourced grits, a pair of good tweezers and plenty of first-batch Vitamin D in case we hit a wetsnap. I’ll go hotwire the neighbor’s Volvo.”
by Hifalutin! February 04, 2022
Get the Wetsnap mug.“Old man Fauci himself praised my work on the University lab’s bug squad,” lies Elmore. “It’s a shit job, but toxic wastrel’s got to count the spikes to pay the bills.”
by Hifalutin! February 02, 2022
Get the Toxic wastrel mug.Porch cop said she was bringing over homemade chocolate chippers, but she really wanted to get a look at our entry way.
“GoPuff never sucks,” glowed Brian. “As soon as Irene the porch cop sees the delivery guy drive up, she gives us a jingle to let us know the booze is here.”
“GoPuff never sucks,” glowed Brian. “As soon as Irene the porch cop sees the delivery guy drive up, she gives us a jingle to let us know the booze is here.”
by Hifalutin! January 31, 2022
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