Hammer of Jesus's definitions

textjob

The act of placing ones cellular device onto their genitalia, followed by a person sending repeated text messages, until the recipient of the textjob reaches sexual climax. Has been known to cause damage to cell phones when performed carelessly.

Jim: Man, Dave was really pissed after I banged his wife. He wouldn't stop texting me, so I threw my phone in my pocket and he gave me a textjob!

Todd: Nice dude! Now Dave and his wife have made you bust a nut!

by Hammer of Jesus June 28, 2017

national dick sucking day iii

The third occasion of National Dick Sucking Day, occurring on October 12th every year.

Ron: Man, I sure gobbled a whole shitload of knobs on National Dick Sucking Day III.

Abe: Same bro. I love celebrating all of the 365 non-consecutive and independent occurrences of National Dick Sucking Day every year!

by Hammer of Jesus April 14, 2019

Davy Jones' Gravy

Davy Jones' Gravy is a dark, murky fecal/water combination that is the result of a particularly non-solid bowel movement, obscuring from vision all below it's putrid depths. Commonly found in public restrooms and port-o-potties.

I went to use the outhouse at the construction site, but it was so full that my balls dipped into Davy Jones' Gravy when I sat down.

by Hammer of Jesus February 14, 2017

power penis

A phallus of immense girth, length, and/or strength. Wielders as well as recipients must exercise extreme caution.

Sally was completely destroyed by Ralph’s power penis. Her funeral is tomorrow.

by Hammer of Jesus January 19, 2019

penis pot pie

A food item containing all of the same ingredients as a chicken pot pie, but chicken is replaced with penis.

Bill: My wife made the most delicious penis pot pie last night!

Ted: Wait...You ate penis for dinner?

Bill: It's totally normal! You should try some!

Ted: I think I'll pass. You and your wife should get some help.

by Hammer of Jesus October 6, 2013

boner queso

A synonym for smegma. Sometimes used specifically to describe dick cheese belonging to a person of hispanic origin.

Armando: Duuuude have you seen how much boner queso Jose has? You could make a quesadilla with that shit.

Carlos: Nah mang, I'm not really into checking out other dudes dick cheese status.

by Hammer of Jesus April 5, 2017

penis rinser

A designated person whose job it is to rinse penis. The penis rinser may be assigned to a single, or multiple penises.

Geoff: Man, I really got it all over the place with that cumfart...we’re gonna need some tissues.

Norbert: No need, my personal penis rinser will take care of our penises.

Geoff: Wow! Thanks bro!

by Hammer of Jesus April 24, 2019