Grant Rampus's definitions
The monthly reminder of the poor choice you made to procreate with the delusional bitch who claims poverty, while simultaneously driving a BMW. A monthly financial obligation that rarely makes its way to actuallysupporting your children, the child support payment is synonymous with the 7-year car loan: a necessary evil you count down every month until it's no longer. Or you drop dead from the realization you'll be making these payments for years. Whichever comes first.
Loan officer: Sorry, but your child support payment has turned your debt-to-income ratio upside down and we cannot offer you a mortgage. Or a new car. Or anything that requires repayment.
by Grant Rampus July 6, 2016
Get the Child support payment mug.Chronologically, the marital partner between first and third wives. Not to be confused with the hot chick at the office your current wife accuses you of wanting to bang (aka office wife). Historically, the second wife is the rebound relationship after dissolution of the first marriage and often your first wife’s best friend. Known in your friend circle as the chick who is blessed with heavenly fucking skills but also a nanny for your shared custody of your kids. General life shelf of the second wife is 5-7 years though this time frame can be extended if she comes equipped with a trust fund or unplanned inheritance.
After his divorce from his first wife, Tim was in need of someone to cart his kids around when he had them every other weekend, clean his apartment, and have sex when the mood hit. Tim was in need of a second wife.
by Grant Rampus January 19, 2019
Get the Second Wife mug.When you are self-treating a minor sprain and cannot remember if you apply ice first, then heat. Or heat than ice. Further complicated by the fact no one really knows no matter who you ask.
Jimmy applied ice to his sprained wrist then a heat pad. Then he applied the heat pad, then ice. He was covering his bases because he was trapped in the ice heat defeat.
by Grant Rampus November 25, 2019
Get the Ice heat defeat mug.When a corporate directive is given, resources allocated and countless hours spent on an initiative, only to be questioned later (by the executive who actually gave the directive) why this directive is being executed and demanding to know who gave the directive.
Executive: I demand to know why we spent $958,000 on studying the t-sprocket usefulness when clearly we’re getting out of the t-sprocket business.
About to be fired employee: you did, sir. The executive was inflicted with corporate amnesia but fired the employee anyway.
About to be fired employee: you did, sir. The executive was inflicted with corporate amnesia but fired the employee anyway.
by Grant Rampus August 30, 2019
Get the Corporate amnesia mug.What most celebrities and professional athletes have to embark upon after disgracing their families, co-workers, etc. for very bad personal decisions. Standouts include sleeping with the nanny or crashing your car while on a cocktail of fentanyl and cocaine. Playbook calls for an immediate retreat to a treatment center where you emerge 30 days later with a bible in hand.
This year’s #1 NFL draft pick was missing from society for 30 days, until last Tuesday when he emerged from Our Lady of Miraculous Recovery Treatment Center, bible in hand. Beginning his apology tour, he stepped up to the podium he began to thank those that helped him and was truly sorry for those he hurt during his recent car crash (high on cocaine) with the half-dressed nanny in the passenger seat.
by Grant Rampus January 28, 2023
Get the Apology tour mug.The appropriate distance one must live from their in-laws so they can tolerate them. General rule of thumb is just far enough so they can't drop by unannounced.
When looking at new houses, Rick had to tactfully remind his new wife that the appropriate distance-in-law in that state was no less than 75 miles.
by Grant Rampus August 31, 2016
Get the Distance-in-law mug.Rarely the main breadwinner in a marriage, the wife’s contribution to the household income to get a larger mortgage, fancier car, etc. Typically ranging from $30k to $45k, the wife salary also allows for smaller alimony or child support payments when the inevitable divorce happens.
When Tom met with the bank, he was able to explain why - through the wife salary - he qualified for a larger mortgage. Exact same argument when he met with the divorce attorney 2 years later, but the reverse argument in why he didn’t need to pay alimony.
by Grant Rampus September 25, 2021
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