Grant Rampus's definitions
Chronologically, the marital partner between first and third wives. Not to be confused with the hot chick at the office your current wife accuses you of wanting to bang (aka office wife). Historically, the second wife is the rebound relationship after dissolution of the first marriage and often your first wife’s best friend. Known in your friend circle as the chick who is blessed with heavenly fucking skills but also a nanny for your shared custody of your kids. General life shelf of the second wife is 5-7 years though this time frame can be extended if she comes equipped with a trust fund or unplanned inheritance.
After his divorce from his first wife, Tim was in need of someone to cart his kids around when he had them every other weekend, clean his apartment, and have sex when the mood hit. Tim was in need of a second wife.
by Grant Rampus January 19, 2019
Get the Second Wifemug. The unit of measurement that smokers use between destinations to determine if they should light up a cigarette, with the reasonable certainty it will be smoked by the time they arrive. White trash only use this measurement when giving directions to other white trash.
Jimmy to his common law wife: How far is the Walmart from the bar?
Common law wife to Jimmy: the cigarette distance is about 3 cigarettes.
Common law wife to Jimmy: the cigarette distance is about 3 cigarettes.
by Grant Rampus February 15, 2019
Get the Cigarette distancemug. The monthly reminder of the poor choice you made to procreate with the delusional bitch who claims poverty, while simultaneously driving a BMW. A monthly financial obligation that rarely makes its way to actuallysupporting your children, the child support payment is synonymous with the 7-year car loan: a necessary evil you count down every month until it's no longer. Or you drop dead from the realization you'll be making these payments for years. Whichever comes first.
Loan officer: Sorry, but your child support payment has turned your debt-to-income ratio upside down and we cannot offer you a mortgage. Or a new car. Or anything that requires repayment.
by Grant Rampus July 6, 2016
Get the Child support paymentmug. A smartly-written show on HBO starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Although she plays the Vice President of the United States - hence the "Veep" show title, she might as well be playing Elaine from Seinfeld because she plays a character on Veep who is almost identical to Elaine's personality and mannerisms - with the delightful bonus of the gratuitous use of the word fuck.
Viewer 1: Hey, why is Elaine sitting in the Oval Office?
Viewer 2: It's not Seinfeld, dude. It's Veep!
Viewer 2: It's not Seinfeld, dude. It's Veep!
by Grant Rampus July 8, 2016
Get the Veepmug. The chief strategist of a building project and general rapist of the land needed to "improve" the community. Cunningly masters the art of deception as he solicits investors and prepares bogus tax returns for financing the project.
An expert at filing for bankruptcy at the end of every business cycle, still manages to live in a huge house, while those residents he displaced still search for affordable housing.
An expert at filing for bankruptcy at the end of every business cycle, still manages to live in a huge house, while those residents he displaced still search for affordable housing.
The real estate developer paid homage to the historical neighborhood he razed by cladding his own 15,000 square foot mansion in brick.
by Grant Rampus July 7, 2016
Get the Real estate developermug. The unintended weight loss that occurs from going through a divorce. Possibly nature's way of removing 15 years of being a sloth to get you ready for dating again. Don't throw the old clothes out yet; all lost weight comes back once settled down after the rebound relationship.
Holy shit, Monica is looking hot! She must be hitting the gym after Todd left her.
Nah, she's on the divorce diet. Enjoy the view before she gets remarried.
Nah, she's on the divorce diet. Enjoy the view before she gets remarried.
by Grant Rampus July 28, 2016
Get the Divorce dietmug. Standard calling etiquette needed for morons who would otherwise call people at any hour of the day. Monday - Friday you don’t call someone before 8am, Saturday before 9am, or Sunday before 10am.
Bob was awakened by his cell phone ringing at 6:43am. It was his drunk buddy Dale returning Bob’s call from yesterday. Clearly Dale needed to enroll at phone etiquette school to understand the 8 9 10 rule.
by Grant Rampus January 28, 2023
Get the 8 9 10 Rulemug.