Grant Rampus's definitions

Keurig blue light special

A phenomena that occurs 2 times a day: morning and afternoon. When crawling to the coffee machine in a desperate need of caffeine, popping in the Keurig coffee pod, watching with anticipation the machine warming up, and to your horror the bright blue light pops on, thus signaling the realization the asshole who last used it didn’t refill the water container.

Joanie shuffled into the kitchen at 6am to get her much needed cup of coffee, and waited the requisite 45 seconds while the Keurig machine warmed up. Then the dreaded blue light appeared. In middle class society, Joanie was afflicted with what has become known as the Keurig blue light special.

by Grant Rampus September 7, 2019

Furniture store

The only retail establishment that starts out in bankruptcy. Within 30 days of opening, there will be a teenager standing roadside in front of the furniture store holding a sign that states they are having a “going out of business sale” and all furniture must go, prices up to 70% off.

Hey Jim, I’m heading out to look at leather couches at that new furniture store on Route 1. Is that kid out front yet holding the going out of business sale, or has it not been 30 days yet?

by Grant Rampus November 11, 2019

Hallmark holiday

Unlike the sanctity of the traditional high holidays, the Hallmark Holiday was invented by the executives of the Hallmark corporation to increase quarterly sales. Generally agreed upon to include Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and essentially any pseudo- holiday that a card can be sold for.

Jimmy panicked when he realized he hadn’t gotten a card for his dad’s special day, but then quickly relaxed when he realized it was a Hallmark holiday - Father’s Day - and the card was optional.

by Grant Rampus June 20, 2021

Veep

A smartly-written show on HBO starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Although she plays the Vice President of the United States - hence the "Veep" show title, she might as well be playing Elaine from Seinfeld because she plays a character on Veep who is almost identical to Elaine's personality and mannerisms - with the delightful bonus of the gratuitous use of the word fuck.

Viewer 1: Hey, why is Elaine sitting in the Oval Office?

Viewer 2: It's not Seinfeld, dude. It's Veep!

by Grant Rampus July 8, 2016

Ex wife

Ex wife: the gold digging whore you share custody of your kids with and owns all your stuff. Primary reason you sleep on a fouton above a Seven-Eleven.

I really respect my ex wife, said no one ever.

by Grant Rampus July 5, 2016

Human Resource Manager

Generally a woman named Melinda or Judy that is single in her 40s (occasionally divorced in her late 50s), that wears a navy suit while researching and communicating health benefits. Other useless tasks endeavored include interviewing more qualified people then they are and facilitating sexual harassment trainings to those in the verge of bringing the company down with sexual exploitations of their admins.

"Hey Bill, Judy the human resource manager just arrived from Corporate. Who is getting fired?"

by Grant Rampus July 4, 2016

Donation wall of shame

Adorning the wall of a hospital main lobby, the donation wall of shame outlines for patients and visitors alike how much individuals and corporations have donated to the already tax-free hospital. Shamefully categorizes the donors into patronizing names such as “gold donor” and “friend.”

The donation wall of shame at St. Agnes Memorial Hospital always greeted visitors with a reminder of how strategic Home Depot was with their tax write-off, but also how cheap the other businesses were in town.

by Grant Rampus September 22, 2019