Definitions by Fearman

Neptune 

1. Officially the outermost major planet in the solar system after the demotion of Pluto to dwarf planet status in 2006. An ice giant with a cool, deep blue coloration. Similar composition to Uranus. Mean distance from the Sun 2.798 billion miles. Equatorial diameter 30,775 miles, give or take 20. Polar diameter 30,250 miles, give or take 40. Visible cloud deck is at temperatures around 218 degrees Centigrade below zero. Orbits once in 164.79 Earth years, or as of this writing just about once since it was discovered by Urbain le Verrier and Johann Gottfried Galle in 1846. Visited by Voyager 2 in 1989. At last count had 13 recognised moons. Had a dark blue marking looking remarkably similar to Jupiter's Great Red Spot, with Neptunian proportions and colour scheme, at the time of Voyager's flyby, which was promptly named the Great Dark Spot; apparently this has since disappeared.

2. Roman divinity of the sea, influenced by but not identical to the Greek Poseidon. Also a god of horses. Had a fishy lower body and brandished a trident.

Neptune is visible in a good telescope.

Capitolus strode on board his ship and set sail across Neptune's kingdom.

Neptune by Fearman May 12, 2008

Jupiter 

1. The largest planet in the solar system, accounting for roughly seventy percent of the total planetary mass, and the fifth from the Sun. The largest and innermost of the gas giants, Jupiter makes an interesting sight through even a modest telescope. Orbits the Sun in 11.86 Earth years. Radiates over twice the energy received from the Sun due to gravitational contraction. Temperature at cloud decks about 143 degrees Centigrade below zero. Pronounced equatorial bulge; diameter through the equator is 88,846 miles (to within five miles, measured to the altitude where gas pressure equals that of Earth's air at sea level); diameter through the poles is 83,082 miles. Mass over 317 times that of Earth, volume over 1,321 times that of Earth. Composed mostly of gas, chiefly hydrogen with a considerable amount of helium; traces exist of ammonia, water vapour, methane, ethane, silicon compounds, carbon compounds and sulphur, among others. At greater depths the hydrogen enters molecular and then metallic states not found among gases on Earth; there may be a rock-metal core accounting for perhaps five percent of the planet's mass. The planet does not rotate on its axis as a solid body, but faster in the equatorial regions than around the poles, by about five minutes per rotation; the whole turns once on its axis in just under ten hours. The entire visible face of the planet consists of clouds in the upper reaches of a vast ocean of gas. Has a striped appearance with light zones of upwelling gas and dark, descending belts; there are numerous rotating storm systems, the largest and longest-lived of which is the Great Red Spot, a storm larger than the Earth. Jupiter's powerful magnetosphere, its trailing end still detectable at the orbit of Saturn, funnels considerable amounts of ionising radiation, carrying at its strongest one thousand times the lethal dose for the human body. Jupiter receives comparatively many asteroid and cometary impacts, recently including the string of impacts from the tidally disrupted comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 in 1994. Visited by Pioneer, Voyager, Galileo and Cassini probes. Recognised to have 63 satellites at last count; the largest of these, Io, Europa, Ganymede and Callisto, are collectively known as the Galilean satellites because they were discovered by Galileo Galilei in 1609-10. (This made them the first extraterrestrial moons discovered, which made for an epochal discovery.) Ganymede is the largest moon in the solar system and is larger than, though not as massive as, the planet Mercury. Europa is thought a possible abode for extraterrestrial life.

2. Jupiter's namesake is the big daddy of the gods of ancient Rome, equivalent to the Greek Zeus. Known in full as Jupiter Optimus Maximus Soter; Jupiter the best, the greatest and the Saviour. Popularly imagined sitting on a throne with a bunch of thunderbolts in his left hand. The patron deity of the Roman state, he ruled over laws and the social order. He was the father of Mars and hence mythologically the grandfather of the Roman founders Romulus and Remus.

Jupiter rose at eight o'clock that evening, and everyone was trying to grab time at the telescopes.

Claudius entered the great temple of Jupiter on the Capitoline Hill.

Jupiter by Fearman May 12, 2008

Mercury 

1. Innermost planet in the solar system, and officially the smallest major planet since Pluto was demoted to the newly created category of dwarf planet in 2006. Diameter c. 3,050 miles. Large iron core, pitted surface, negligible atmosphere. Orbital period 88 days. Rotational period 59 days. Surface temperature ranges from minus 180 to plus 430 degrees Centigrade. No natural satellites. Gravity at surface about 38 percent of Earth gravity. Currently (in 2008) being mapped by the MESSENGER space probe.

2. The planet's namesake was the messenger god of ancient Rome, well known for his winged sandals and identified with intersex identity and hermaphroditism. Greek counterpart was Hermes.

3. Stage surname of lead singer Freddie of the rock group Queen. Born Farrokh Bulsara September 5th 1946, died of AIDS-related pneumonia on November 24th 1991. With his band provided much of the soundtrack for various movies, most notably Higlander. A real character.

4. Metallic chemical element, liquid at room temperature, density around 13.5 grammes per cubic centimetre (or times that of water), atomic number 80. Symbol Hg, from Latin Hydrargyrum, derived from Greek form meaning "water-silver". Toxic when ingested or vapours inhaled, affects nervous system, used in barometers, thermometers and numerous other applications.

Mercury has been visited by the spacecraft Mariner 10 and MESSENGER.

Please Mercury, may my courier reach Julius Octavius in time.

Freddie Mercury ROCKED.

Make sure you don't bite the thermometer too hard, or you'll get shards of glass in your mouth and a few drops of mercury down your throat.

Mercury by Fearman May 10, 2008

Venus 

2. Second planet from the sun. Almost the size of Earth. At various points in the two planets' orbits it is visible in Earth's sky as the so-called morning or evening star. A runaway greenhouse effect has generated temperatures at the surface of around 480 degrees Centigrade, under an atmospheric pressure of around 90 bars, equivalent to the water pressure nearly one kilometre under the sea on Earth. Atmosphere mainly carbon dioxide, contains notable amounts of sulphur dioxide. Sulphuric acid virga (rain that re-evaporates in mid-air) falls from cloud deck about 30 miles above the surface. Diameter about 7,500 miles. Most surface features named for historic or mythical women. Various interesting surface features mapped by the Magellan probe's radar technology. Surface gravity 90 percent of that on Earth. No natural satellites. On current theories, Venus may be a portent of future conditions on Earth's surface as the sun brightens in ages to come. It may also serve as a warning of the (relatively modest but still highly undesirable) effects that carbon dioxide emissions by human industry may have on our own planetary environment.

2. The planet's namesake is the ancient Roman goddess of love, sex and beauty. Modelled on the Greek Aphrodite. One thoroughly industrial-strength bodacious babe. Shag her and die ... or die and shag her, whichever. Compare this image with the nature of the planet's surface and ponder that, as Freddie Mercury once put it, love kills.

Venus is looking really nice in the evening sky tonight.

Oh, Venus, please let me have Aurelia Calypyggia in my bed tonight.

Venus by Fearman May 10, 2008

Earth 

1. The most jaw-droppingly, achingly beautiful planet in the solar system. Forget Saturn. Well ... I might be just a wee bit biased. Orbits the sun once in what its inhabitants are happy to call a year at a mean distance of 93 million miles, in the course of which it rotates on its axis just over 365 times. Equatorial diameter 7,927 miles. Equal in mass to all the other planets, moons and asteroids of the inner solar system (closer in than Jupiter) put together. The innermost planet in the system to have any moons, it has of course just the one, diameter 2,160 miles, orbital distance in this epoch 238,000 miles, circles Earth about a dozen times a year, slowly receding due to tidal interactions with Earth. Earth is the densest planet in the system. Fairly massive, two-layer iron-nickel core. Seven tenths or so of the surface is covered in water oceans. Atmosphere mostly nitrogen, large proportion of free oxygen, traces of other gases such as argon, carbon dioxide and water vapour. From space, appears as a pearly globe of green-brown landmasses, blue seas, and white ice and cloud. As of 2008, the only known body in the system (or, for that matter, the Universe) to bear life. Our home.

2. Mucky powdery stuff made from grit, organic matter and water, such as may be found all over the surface of, well, the Earth. Also known as soil. If it gets wet its name is mud. Good for growing plants in.

3. An electrical connection used to dissipate excess electrical energy in the ground.

It's all here on dear old Earth.

Stick your fingers in the rich earth.

Better to have this wire earth the charge, than your body.

Earth by Fearman May 10, 2008

Mars 

1. Fourth planet from the Sun. Diameter 4,220 miles. Called the Red Planet from its colour as seen through a telescope; colour varies from butterscotch to dark brown. Much of this is from iron oxide (rust) in surface rocks. Surface gravity 38 percent that on Earth, about the same as Mercury, an effect jointly of Mars' larger size and lower density. The least dense of the rocky terrestrial planets in the system. One tenth of Earth's mass. Atmosphere mostly carbon dioxide, surface pressure varies by location and season between about 5 and 7 millibars. Surface features include Mariner Valley, a canyon system that would stretch across the United States on Earth, and four large shield volcanoes on the highland area known as the Tharsis Bulge, the largest of which is Olympus Mons, the largest mountain on any major planet in the system, three times the height of Everest and covering an area about the size of Romania. Has been visited by numerous space probes, including the Viking landers, the Sojourner rover and the Spirit and Opportunity Rovers. Currently being orbited by the Odyssey, Express and Reconnaissance Orbiters, making it the planet with the most artificial satellites beyond Earth. Although the surface is almost certainly sterile, Mars has often been imagined as an abode of life, appearing as such in works by, among others, C.S. Lewis, H.G. Wells and Edgar Rice Burroughs. There is some evidence of liquid surface water in its early history, although the atmosphere has grown too thin to allow this any more. Appears in some ways earthlike, with dust storms (especially at perihelion passage, the closest passage to the sun), growing and shrinking (largely carbon dioxide) ice caps and even, at 24 hours and 40 minutes, the most earthlike length of day of any other planet in this system. Two moons, Phobos and Deimos, both asteroids, circle the planet, the former the lowest-orbiting moon of any major planet in the system and set to run smack into Mars in about another 40 million Earth years.

2. The fourth planet's namesake, the ancient Roman god of war. Bit of a meathead, but then it was his job. Had an affair with Venus ... well, who wouldn't? Greek equivalent was Ares.

3. Chunky nougat-caramel-chocolate bar, or the company that makes them.

In the previous few months, Mars had been getting brighter in the night sky.

Oh Mars, let my armies surround those of my enemy Calipurnius and righteously whup his ass.

Got a Mars Bar?

Mars by Fearman May 10, 2008

Hell 

1. Town in Nebraska slightly to the west of Heck but east of Motherfuckingcrapdagger.

2. A place they send you when you die for posting those adverts for religions or religiously connected material on the right of an Urbandictionary page. Yes, this includes Scientology.

3. Accurate description of the surface of the planet Venus, although on Venus there aren't that many guys in kinky suits with pitchforks.

4. The most terrible place most people can imagine. Like a boarding school on Sunday, only funnier.

5. A place you invoke after you discover that the bottle of absinthe that cost you over a hundred Euro shattered in transit.

6. Rumoured to be the subtitle of the latest version of Microsoft Word.

7. Place where you go, according to Gary Larson, to play the accordion for eternity.

8. A place where there are fires everywhere but it's dark. It's either very very hot or very very cold. You burn up ... forever. If there was any possibility of it being real it wouldn't have to be portrayed as anywhere near as nasty.

We're in Hell, and the good news is the population is only 301.

Now that line on Hell oughta stop them ... I wish.

Venus is Hell, Earth is Heaven.

I thought I was back in boarding school on a Sunday, but it turns out I'm only in Hell. That's a relief.

Hell! My best absinthe!

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Hell by Fearman April 23, 2008