Bottom Ford's definitions

stealth walker

A shopping cart being pushed by someone in an impaired state who wishes to give the appearance of a thoughtful, considerate spouse.

“You push the stealth walker, honey. It will help you keep your balance while I load the groceries.”
“Thank you, my love. I feel like I’m going to fall over any minute.”

by Bottom Ford April 18, 2010

Begmore

1. A utopian distiller of single-malt scotch that would be located on the Isle of Islay if it existed.

2. A figurative single-malt scotch that, when consumed by house pets, causes them to demand more treats and attention than they deserve.

“Your dog won't keep his nose out of my dinner. He’s been hitting the Begmore too hard.”

by Bottom Ford January 4, 2010

Scotch-tape skies

A weather condition frequently seen in family photographs of a certain age, brought on by the ill-considered use of Scotch tape in scrapbooks and picture frames.

I found a photograph of Grandma sitting in her roadster under Scotch-tape skies.

by Bottom Ford January 2, 2010

micro hobby

A hobby you spend hardly any time on, but that you claim because you bought the gear.

Bottom says he’s taken up bodyboarding, but it’s just a vacation micro hobby.

by Bottom Ford September 29, 2010

lingua fracas

1. The few words one knows in another language sufficient to start a fight.

2. A fight over the proper use of a word.

1. Bottom doesn’t speak Spanish; he only knows enough of the lingua fracas to get into trouble.

2. “ ‘Impact’ is a verb only in the lingua fracas.”
“You mean, like, when my fist impacts your face?”

by Bottom Ford May 1, 2010

mosquito tinnitus

A ringing in the ears that sounds like a hovering mosquito, brought on by the anticipation that mosquitoes WILL begin to torment you just as you are dozing off.

I spent half the night swatting mosquitoes that weren’t there. Guess it was just mosquito tinnitus.

by Bottom Ford August 21, 2010

reef rash

Abrasion caused by contact with rocks/reef in a surfing accident.

"Dig Bottom's reef rash. He wiped out bad."

by Bottom Ford September 18, 2009