Al Benedict's definitions

Scottish Food

Macdonalds food for when you want to avoid admitting you ate at Macdonalds.

Bob: What did you have for dinner?
Bill: Scottish food.
Bob: Sounds delicious. Haggis?
Bill: No. They have this dish where the put different round slices of a specially processed beef inside pieces of bread with an orangy, pinky sauce. Then they take potatoes and cut them up into long thin pieces and cook them in a specially prepared oil bath.
Bob: Sounds delicious! Invite me next time.

by Al Benedict July 29, 2013

Valentine's Day Tree

A tree one displays in one's living room in the middle of February. Generally, very similar to a Christmas tree, but much drier. Ideally decorated with small scraps of tinsel, but having a complete set of Christmas ornaments is acceptable. An alternate method of display is to lay it on its side in the front yard.

The proper method of celebrating a Valentine's Day Tree is to stay at least 3 feet away from it and not make eye contact.

A 4th of July tree is very similar, only with brown needles instead of green.

"Welcome to my place. Uh, please ignore the Valentine's Day Tree. It won't mind"

by Al Benedict February 5, 2008

Yuppie Porn

Television shows or glossy magazines featuring real estate, automobiles, gadgets, boats or furniture of the type preferred by the stereotypical yuppie, even if they are not written or shot with the intention of selling the actual products. A derogatory spin on the stereotype that yuppies receive the same stimulation from material objects that non-yuppies do from sex. Yuppie porno or yuppie pornography can be used.

"Yuppie porn at the New York Times": Title of an article on salon.com about the New York Times' new real estate quarterly.

by Al Benedict November 12, 2006

Oneing the two

Attempting to remove stuck poop from a toilet with a well aimed high pressure stream of pee.

Are you Oneing the two in there?

Well, it's not like I have choice. You threw out the brush.

It was gross

by Al Benedict October 7, 2010

<yawn>

Internet speak for "Oh shit. I just lost the argument."

Bob: So that's why your argument makes no sense.
Bill: <yawn> Whatever, dude.
Bob: Victory is mine.

by Al Benedict June 23, 2012

implosive

Describes someone who reacts to criticism by becoming quiet and withdrawn. As opposed to explosive, which means that they "explode" into anger.

Usually introverts are implosive and extroverts are explosive, but neither of those are a rule.

Bob: You made a mistake over here.
Bill: (Silence)
Bob: Feeling implosive today, are we?

by Al Benedict June 15, 2011

Ninja Proofing

Setting up your house to ward off long term ninja infestations. It's considered impossible to keep ninjas out entirely. In fact, attempting to do so can attract their attention and just make the problem worse.

1) Coat the walls and ceilings with steel backed teflon. If the steel isn't thick enough, they can still use their claws. Make sure it's at least a 1/4 inch thick.
2) Install random rotating magnets. This makes it difficult to throw shurikens accurately.
3) Set up a DVD of old "Kung Fu" reruns in infinite reply. Warning: This may cause Seppuku incidents, which are really messy. Take my word on it. Spread plastic in front of the TV.

Avoid using pirates. I know it's tempting, but they're worse than ninjas (really loud and smelly and treasure chests are hard to find).

Bob: Where were you last weekend?
Bill: Sorry, spent all day Saturday Ninja Proofing.

by Al Benedict December 3, 2010