Bassoon

A pain in the ass, a massive pain. Can and will be mistakenly called:

a. Oboe
b. Large flute
c. Clarinet
d. Bass clarinet
e. Baritone saxophone
f. Trombone
The bassoon looks like a Victorian bedpost and sounds like one too... that is, if you were to ever hollow one out and blow into it. The sounds it makes have been described as "a dying duck", "a dying cat", or "sharp!" It is never in tune. The first five years or so of playing will sound like shit, but once you've hit your sixth or seventh year, it sounds a little less shitty and more like the gates of heaven. You will not be able to march with this (sorry, marching band is out! If you're keen to join, as I am, switch to clarinet or sax!) but it's great for concert band, as it is easiest played sitting down. The fingerings are complete shit and very, VERY confusing. I've looked up clarinet, flute, and saxophone fingerings. They look like addition and subtraction next to the trigonometry of bassoonland. If you want to make your own reeds (anything you can buy is really bad quality) then the process takes weeks. I get this a LOT when I tell people I play bassoon.

"What's that?"
or
"Oh! I know that~! It's like a large flute! :D :D :D!"

or
"Shit, good luck, mate."

:,)
Alma: "Oh, Jolene, what is that?"

Jolene: "It's my bassoon case!"

Alma: "Ooooh, I know that! A bassoon is just like a big flute, isn't it?"
Jolene: "...This is rather concerning as you play trombone in our school band."
by November 07, 2017
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