albertsons 

Service first, second to none.

Lady: "Your store sucks & this bread was supposed to be 3 for a dollar not 2 for a dollar!"
Us: "You're so totally right ma'am. Please wait here while I smash myself in the nuts for you and while we're at it get one of my other employees to go check to see if you're right so we can save you those 33 cents that you oh so need."

albertsons by Steven H. May 31, 2005

Albertsons 

A hell hole where even if you make friends the cock-sucking upper managers (namely the first and SECOND in charge) won't let you talk even if your work is done. Plus they complain about you and don't trust you if you're a teen, even if you're one of the better workers! And they wont fire the shitty ones!
And the customers bitch about every little thing! They try to scam you to save even just 5 cents! Fuck coupons too, that shit is lame, why the hell do we take other stores coupons?
Then there's the bottle room! That shit is so gross! It's never clean and there's always stinky bums back there.
Luckily there are some cool people! Like managers that let you go on Chipotle or Jamba runs! Or get you drunk! Checkers that are smokin' hot and funny! Starbucks girls that worked at hooters! And baggers that you can mess around with and have a good time!

"If you don't find something to do I'll find something for you"

"Why can't you take my coupon?!"
"Because it expired in 2005!"
"You guys suck i'm going to Safeway!"
"Have a good day! And I hope you get hit by a bus! bitch!"

"Albertsons would be so much better if I chose who worked there!"

"Albertsons should have a back room with stripper poles!"

Albertsons by bag boy April 9, 2008

Albertsons 

The most prestigious company ever with a hiring bar much higher than FAANG and quant.

Google employee: My TC is 500k!
Jane Street employee: pfft! My TC is 800 .....
*an Albertsons employee walks in
*@Google & @Jane Street immediately kneel down and start sucking @Albertsons' prestigious balls

Albertsons by marseylover August 9, 2022

Albertsons 

A once respected grocery store chain started by a humble man, beloved and respected by his community for his fair business policies.
New stores were constructed only after the money to pay for them was earned, and "Better" was valued above "Bigger."

Now a bloated shell of its former being, taking on debt faster than the Titanic took on water, and helmed by an ego and no longer a man. "Bigger at any cost" valued over "Better," and their prices prove it.

"Oh my God Larry, have you seen Albertsons stock since the merger?"
"Hell yes Bob, it went down faster than an ugly actress at a casting call."

Albertsons by Johnson says it all. (Close enough) June 9, 2005

Albertsons 

A communist outpost hidden as a grocery market

Look it’s a COMMIE FUCKING OUTPOST ALBERTSONS

Albertsons by EMSP420 June 11, 2019

albertsons 

A place where human beings turn into beasts and try to save as much money as they can...it's a place where you see certain soccer moms everyday because they have nothing better to do after they dropped off Talan, Shiloh, and Dakota at soccer pratice. Certain customers can earn a title known as "Legend" if they are deemed worthy by a certain group of cool employees. These "cool employees" pretty much run the store and are all smoking hot, no homo. Such legends at one particular store in Rowland Heights include: Cabbage Patch Lady, Duckman, Paper Bag Lady, Cat Lady, Orca Lady, Leather Man, Benson & Hedges Lady, etc. And the hoes that work there will dress up all skanky and come into the store on their off days to show off. This is what is referred to as "Cake-Walking". They will come in and buy gum or something not needed...they will then precede to have sex with many dudes and do drugs. And once in a while, you can spot cholos running out of the store with stolen beer.

albertson's checker: "hello mam, do u have your albertsons card?"

asian customer: "nye o nye...fie nie five"...translation: 909-595

albertsons checker: "f me in the mother effing a-hole mother effer"

albertsons by Cabbage Patch Lady March 14, 2008

Keaton Albertson 

An egotistical blogger of juvenile criminality, asocial acts, and childish violence. Someone of complete disregard for humanity, cultural norms, or property.

"Keaton Albertson is a Tucker Max wannabe. His blogs aren't even that funny."

"What's not funny about shitting inside someone's sleeping bag? Tucker Max only shit on some drunk girl's floor."

Keaton Albertson by mantidae July 6, 2009