A town in Pennsylvania that people from out of town call quaint and people from the area know it as hell. If you take the bad part of a small city like Pittsburgh that is roughly the size and appeal of Altoona. Yes, the best definition for Altoona is, other than the metropolis of Blair County, a town with the largest drug problem per capita of any city in Pennsylvania, and the highest depression rate. Though, Johnstown was deemed the most depressing city, it was only because the people in Altoona were far too depressed to get out of bed and vote. Furthermore, Altoona is the only place on Earth where drive-by shootings are so pathetic a person can fire fifty bullets into a car and cause no damage to the driver.
I thought about going to Altoona but decided casturation seemed more appealing.
by Leeward December 11, 2007
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a. A small town in West Central Pennsylvania

b. The birthplace of civilization (at which time, it just stopped growing, and remained completely primal as the inhabitants continued to abuse pain medication and drive pick-up trucks to Wal-Mart.)
"Hey, yins! Wanna go walk around Wal-Mart?!"
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A small town in Western Pennsylvania. Sometimes referred to as "the ghetto Baltimore" or "Mullettown, Arizona." The town is full of rednecks, whiggers, druggies, drunkies, bad food, pregnant teens, terrible drivers, complete dumbasses, and snow. Almost all white people, hardly any black people, Asians, or gingers. The birthplace of Sheetz, the gas station/conveniance store. Most Altoonians live on Sheetz MTO (Made-To-Order) food because it's the most delicious food on the planet. In Altoona, there are more churches than Jerusalem. The Altoona Area School District runs the town's local schools, AAJHS (Altoona Area Junior High School) and AAHS (Altoona Area High School.) Basically, they are run like boot camps and security is up the wall. Altoona is also known for it's trains, the train station being Altoona's main origin. Altoona has many hills, and if you are lazy or physically unfit, you should not attempt to move up here. Also, in the winter, it is very cold (temperatures reaching to the early 20's in the daytime) and has been known to aquire many feet of snow per year, although the schools run by the fatheads at the school district force students to come in anyway. There is nothing for the younger generation (teenagers) to do, rather than go to little kiddie parks like Del Grosso's, go ice skating at Galactic Ice, and go hunting/fishing/etc. Drug, crime, and obesity rates are skyrocketing. Do not move to Altoona, it is a terrible mistake. Trust me, I know.
Girl 1: Hey, you're new, right? Where did you move from?

Girl 2: Baltimore City, Mayland. My family moved up here to Altoona to get away from the city life. We heard it's really cool up here.

by MyGoodnightInAshes February 28, 2011
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Small city located in west-central Pennsylvania (about 100 miles due-east of Pittsburgh). Well-known for high unemployment, alcoholism, drug abuse, right-wing closed-minded mullet-heads, guys (and gals) who love huntin' and fishin', etc, etc.. It's a town that has more in common with rural West Virginia than the rest of PA.

Locals have one of the most annoying dialects on the planet (mixture of Pittsburghese and Baltimore-ese)

90% of the population is over age 50 (most young adults who grew up there MOVE AWAY ASAP)!!!
See Pittsburghese, and add the following Altoona-English translations:

Hell-eau: Hello
Pheaune: Phone
Crik: Creek
gowon: going
by aaronwa April 22, 2005
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Also a city/town in Wisconsin, outside of Eau Claire. Basically, look at the other definition without the translaton need. (eg: drink, hunting, 50% over 50...)

It also seems that there are people in Eau Clarie whp've never heard of it.
Altoona is rather dull, most Altoonas are
by Ty N September 2, 2005
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A city in central Pennsylvania that once was a nice place to live & raise a family, though now is infested with a scourge of opiates, crack, & blizz. The whole place is crawling with hopeless souls who are so bummed, they use hard drugs to escape the misery of it all. Yet, at the same time, really believe Altoona is the only place that exists. On a lighter note. There are beautiful mountains & lush countryside. It's just 95% of the people are fake & dishonest. They believe that happiness is sinful & that the successful are just something to bitch & complain about. If you go, be sure to visit Sheetz. It's the one shining light of the place & has made it easy for the local population to be the lazy throwaway trash of a society it is. Poor Altoona. Almost everyone there is either a junkie, a snitch, in jail, a drunk, a thief, a liar, a republican, a racist, stupid, or all at the same time, & think that they are great. The place has a cloud of misery stationed over it. Those who think they're above it are actually pretentious downers who suffer from schadenfreude. Charity is an unknown concept & humbleness is seen as being weak. The place is totally backwards & fucked up. Your best bet is to just keep on driving and get the fuck out of there. It's poisonous.
I wish I could get out of this shithole they call Altoona. It sucks.
by Truthful5 May 26, 2017
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Once a shining, well run city that resembled Pittsburgh in its glory days of industrialism. Now the bastion of human filth and moral deprivation. College students who aspire to go to Penn State, but do poorly in high school are subjected to this unpleasant city, usually for two years. Altoona's resilient community consists of crack dealers, crack heads, crack fiends, and crack babys. Don't come here.
"Dude, did you here about that gang of serial rapists selling crack to three year-olds in Altoona?"

"Which ones?
by PopNasty February 12, 2011
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