Metacognitive Philosophy

The branch of thought that questions the very act of thinking, leading to a state of such profound self-doubt that you become unsure whether you are the thinker or just a thought being thought by some larger consciousness. It asks: Is your inner monologue actually you, or just a voice in your head that you've decided to identify with? If you are aware that you are thinking, who is the "you" that is aware? And if you try to stop thinking, who is it that is trying to stop? Metacognitive philosophy is the art of giving yourself an existential headache.

Example: "Lying in bed, he entered a loop of metacognitive philosophy. 'I think, therefore I am,' he thought. 'But who is the 'I' that is thinking that? And who is the 'I' that is asking who that 'I' is?' He then realized he was thinking about thinking about thinking and decided that was enough philosophy for one night. He fell asleep and dreamed about not being able to fall asleep."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Metalogical Philosophy

The branch of thought that questions the very foundations of logic itself, asking: why should we be logical? Is logic discovered or invented? And if logic is just a human construct, why does it seem to work so well, most of the time, except when it doesn't? Metalogical philosophy is where you go when you've realized that all arguments eventually bottom out in unprovable axioms, and that the only response to "prove that logic is valid" is to use logic, which is circular. It's the philosophy that leads to either a deep appreciation for the mystery of existence or a strong desire to take a nap.

Example: "After a long discussion about the nature of truth, he reached a state of pure metalogical philosophy. 'If all logical systems are based on assumptions that cannot be proven within the system,' he said, 'then the only logical conclusion is that logic is, at its core, an act of faith.' He then realized he had just used logic to disprove logic, which was logically inconsistent, and decided to become a gardener."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Formal Philosophy

The branch of philosophy that applies the tools of formal logic and mathematics to traditional philosophical questions, producing arguments that are either airtight or reveal that the question was nonsense to begin with. Formal philosophers ask not just "what is truth?" but "what are the logical conditions under which a statement can be considered true?" and then write 200 pages of symbols that answer the question so precisely that no one can understand the answer. It's philosophy for people who found regular philosophy too vague and decided to fix that by making it incomprehensible.

Example: "He read a paper in formal philosophy that used modal logic to prove that God either exists necessarily or cannot exist at all. He understood the symbols, followed the proof, and concluded that the argument was logically valid. He then realized he had no idea whether God actually existed, which was where he'd started, but now with more symbols."

by Abzugal February 14, 2026

Psionic Philosophy

The branch of thought that asks what the existence of psionic powers would mean for our understanding of mind, matter, and morality. If you can move objects with thought, is the physical world just a construct? If you can influence others with your mind, is that free will or manipulation? And if you develop these powers, do you have a responsibility to use them for good, or is it okay to just win at poker? Psionic philosophy grapples with the implications of powers we don't have, preparing us for a future that probably won't arrive, which is either wisdom or elaborate daydreaming.

Psionic Philosophy Example: "He sat in psionic philosophical contemplation, wondering: if he developed telekinesis, would it be ethical to use it to fetch the remote from across the room? It would save him getting up, but was that a trivialization of a profound human potential? He then realized he was still on the couch, the remote was still across the room, and he still didn't have telekinesis. He got up, got the remote, and felt deeply unprofound."

by Nammugal February 14, 2026

Psychic Philosophy

The branch of thought that asks what psychic abilities, if real, would mean for our understanding of mind, reality, and personal responsibility. If you can read minds, is privacy obsolete? If you can see the future, do you have to warn people, or is that interfering with fate? And if you know what your partner is thinking, do you still have to ask how their day was? Psychic philosophy grapples with the ethical implications of powers that probably don't exist, which is either a profound exercise in hypothetical reasoning or a massive waste of time, depending on your perspective.

Example: "He sat in deep psychic philosophy, wondering: if he developed telepathy and discovered his friend secretly hated his cooking, should he stop cooking or just cook what the friend secretly wanted? He then realized he was worrying about the ethical implications of a power he definitely did not have, which was either very thoughtful or very ridiculous. He decided to cook anyway."

by Nammugal February 14, 2026

Exotic Philosophy

The branch of thought that asks what the existence of truly alien beings would mean for our understanding of ourselves, our place in the universe, and our concepts of meaning and value. If aliens have a completely different form of consciousness, do they have rights? If they're more advanced, are they our superiors? If they don't have a concept of God, does that prove atheism or just that God doesn't speak their language? Exotic philosophy is the art of realizing that everything you thought was universal might just be local, and that the universe is probably much stranger than you can imagine, which is either terrifying or liberating, depending on your tolerance for not being special.

Example: "After learning about the vastness of the universe and the likelihood of alien life, he entered a state of exotic philosophy. 'If there are a billion civilizations,' he thought, 'then our wars, our art, our entire history is just one local news channel in a cosmic network. And my problems? They're the weather report for a neighborhood no one watches.' He then went to work, which felt both meaningless and, somehow, still urgent."

by Nammugal February 14, 2026

Esoteric Philosophy

The branch of thought that asks whether the universe has a hidden meaning accessible only to those willing to do the work (or pay for the courses). It grapples with questions like: Is there a secret teaching behind all religions? Are coincidences actually synchronicities? And if the universe is sending me signs, why are they always so vague? ("A feather appeared on your path" – Susan, that's just a feather. Birds exist.) Esoteric philosophy is the art of finding profound meaning in ordinary things, which is either wisdom or overthinking, depending on who's paying for the workshop.

Example: "He saw a crow, then a penny, then thought about his grandmother, and concluded the universe was sending him a message about financial wisdom from beyond. His esoteric philosophy was strong. His bank account, however, remained stubbornly non-esoteric and empty."

by Nammugal February 14, 2026