Soccermom
n.
Characteristics:
1. Caucasian.
2. Has no job, gets her money from successful husband.
3. Has either a minivan or an SUV.
4. Usually Christian
5. Child(ren) think they're "all that" then turn "rebel."
Appearance:
1. A (ridiculously) over-sized bag
2. One-inch heels ALL the TIME.
3. Expensive sunglasses.
4. Off-red nail polish on their toenails and fingernails.
5. Optional: Botox
6. Bad makeup.
Children?
The soccermom's child(ren) are often brought up with no free time, doing sports, dance, karate, art, theater, music, you name it. Some children do
up to three or four activities a night, then do homework until about 11 at night. In school, a soccermom's child(ren) may either be a) popular, extremely bitchy, and hang out with the other popular children or b) extremely bitchy, hang out with children they know from dance, or any other of their millions after-school activities. A soccermom's child(ren) eats little for lunch, though their lunches are always 100 percent organic. During puberty, the once perfect "little angels" begin to "rebel" by...
1. Listening to a song with the word "hell" in it.
2. Wearing the same pair of Gap jeans twice.
3. Staying up past their bedtimes.
4. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend (usually this only applies to a girl, as a soccermom's daughter usually feels the need to hide her "illicit" activities from her parents)
5. Kiss this boyfriend/girlfriend... on the cheek.
6. Hug this boyfriend/girlfriend
7. Wear a little bit of makeup (like clear lip gloss.)
Also, a soccermom's children either a) grow up to be just like their parents or b) grow up to be nothing like their parents, join Peace Corps, and go live in
Afghanistan.
Views:
-All video games rated T and over = pornographic,
inappropriate, will kill the minds of their already vegetative children.
-All music with "cuss words" (eg, crap, hell) should be banned in America for the sake of
little children (all people under age 18. Sometimes 21.)
-No alcohol whatsoever for people in college (even if they're over 21.)
-No Co-Ed housing in college. ("We can all be Soroity sisters! How does that sound, Mary Ann?")
-Heavy Metal, Grunge, Rock, Metal, Death Metal, Alternative= bad. Pop, Country= good, as long as the country is by Carrie Underwood, and even then, certain parts MUST be bleeped out.
-All
little girls should be
little girls. (eg, "No, Mary Ann, you can't be a dirty old mechanic when you grow up.")
-All
little boys should be
little boys. (eg, "No, Gary Stu, you can't be a
fashion designer like Armani when you grow up.)
-Complete control over everything.
-Ban multiplayer games (eg, Runescape, Club Penguin) in their city/town because "I don't want MY little angels to be kidnapped" while their "little angels" often have secret accounts on multiplayer games.
"I'm sorry, Mary Ann can't play today. She's got jazz dance, then hip-hop dance, then we eat dinner as a family, then she's got ballet."
((As a
substitute teacher in the 12th grade.))
Soccermom/
Substitute Teacher: "Here, kids, while you do your work, let's listen to some Kidz Bop!"
Teenager 1: "Why not some Linkin Park?"
Teenager 2: "I know, let's listen to Aerosmith."
Teenager 3: "What about Elvis?"
Teenager 4: "I'd prefer Atreyu or Disturbed myself."
Soccermom: "NO! Those bands are useless excuses for music! They will pollute
your mind! They are Satanic, for Pete's sake!"
