Flex Officer (noun):
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
You: “Why the hell am I getting mandated again?”
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
by BigDaddyBear53 July 4, 2025
Get the Flex Officermug. When any office colleague because of some or other reason keeping themselves little isolated from other colleagues.
by DrShan February 15, 2022
Get the Office Quarantinemug. (N)Noun Location:
The office of the former president is acknowledged by over 300 million americans as a beacon of light in a dark world.
On January 25th in the year of our Lord two thousand and twenty one, Former President Donald Trump opened an “Office of the Former President” that seeks to advance the interests of the United States and carry on the agenda of his inspired "America First" movement. The Office will be responsible for managing President Trump’s correspondence, public statements, appearances, and official activities to advance the interests of the United States and to carry on the agenda of the Trump Administration through advocacy, organizing, and public activism.
“President Trump will always and forever be a champion for the American People,” as quoted by The office of the former president.
The Office Of the former president is respected and acknowledged by over 300 million americans and will be a light in the darkness for all sovereign american peoples regardless of race, color creed, or political affiliation. No fat chicks or Commies!
The office of the former president is acknowledged by over 300 million americans as a beacon of light in a dark world.
On January 25th in the year of our Lord two thousand and twenty one, Former President Donald Trump opened an “Office of the Former President” that seeks to advance the interests of the United States and carry on the agenda of his inspired "America First" movement. The Office will be responsible for managing President Trump’s correspondence, public statements, appearances, and official activities to advance the interests of the United States and to carry on the agenda of the Trump Administration through advocacy, organizing, and public activism.
“President Trump will always and forever be a champion for the American People,” as quoted by The office of the former president.
The Office Of the former president is respected and acknowledged by over 300 million americans and will be a light in the darkness for all sovereign american peoples regardless of race, color creed, or political affiliation. No fat chicks or Commies!
Donald John Trump has officially created The office of the Former President to continue to make the radical far left cry. Just as the office of the president elect didn't exist until Trumps presidency, neither did The office of the Former President. This is because Donald Trump s a creator, weather it Jobs, a stronger military, opportunities or a greater America that's just what we does. it's just a bonus that the Leftist tears will result
by BDHN January 26, 2021
Get the The Office of the Former Presidentmug. "I (state your name) do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me God."
Chief justice: Mr./Mrs. President, are you ready to take the presidential oath of office?
President: I am
Chief Justice: Repeat after me, I (president’s name) do solemnly swear
President: I (name) do solemnly swear
Chief Justice: that I will faithfully execute the President of the United States
President: that I will faithfully execute the President of the United States
Chief Justice: and will to the best of my ability
President: and will to the best of my ability
Chief Justice: preserve, protect, and defend
President: preserve, protect, and defend
Chief Justice: The Constitution of the United States
President: The Constitution of the United States
Chief Justice: So help me God
President: So help me God
Chief Justice and President of the United States: (shake hands)
Chief Justice: says “Congratulations Mr./Mrs. President.” while shaking hands with the POTUS
President: Gives inaugural address
President: I am
Chief Justice: Repeat after me, I (president’s name) do solemnly swear
President: I (name) do solemnly swear
Chief Justice: that I will faithfully execute the President of the United States
President: that I will faithfully execute the President of the United States
Chief Justice: and will to the best of my ability
President: and will to the best of my ability
Chief Justice: preserve, protect, and defend
President: preserve, protect, and defend
Chief Justice: The Constitution of the United States
President: The Constitution of the United States
Chief Justice: So help me God
President: So help me God
Chief Justice and President of the United States: (shake hands)
Chief Justice: says “Congratulations Mr./Mrs. President.” while shaking hands with the POTUS
President: Gives inaugural address
by 1234567890abcdefghij August 16, 2020
Get the presidential oath of officemug. holy fuck, holy fuck, this place makes me want to fucking kill myself,
the people at this school suck, the teachers care 10x more about your uniform than school work. the chinese classes suck aswell, you literally do nothing but worksheets and sometimes watch a video. so much fucking transphobia and homophobia, teacher's say they're doing shit but i still get into fights with homophobes. i havent been to a single class without someone saying the f slur or the n-word. instead of trying to help the people who crack(get mad, start a fight) they just give you a detention
mr mkcay is awesome tho also theyrs this cross eyed bitch who has no compassion and also she's cross eyed
the people at this school suck, the teachers care 10x more about your uniform than school work. the chinese classes suck aswell, you literally do nothing but worksheets and sometimes watch a video. so much fucking transphobia and homophobia, teacher's say they're doing shit but i still get into fights with homophobes. i havent been to a single class without someone saying the f slur or the n-word. instead of trying to help the people who crack(get mad, start a fight) they just give you a detention
mr mkcay is awesome tho also theyrs this cross eyed bitch who has no compassion and also she's cross eyed
"did you go to officer secondary college?" -person 1
"i hate all gay people and anyone who isn't white" -person 2
"so you did?" -person 1
"yes" -person 2
"i hate all gay people and anyone who isn't white" -person 2
"so you did?" -person 1
"yes" -person 2
by ball sucker 3000 October 20, 2022
Get the officer secondary collegemug. A very attractive nerd who wears small rectangular glasses who also dresses runway ready in an office setting. They have what is deemed a face card and they're the opposite of office hot. They are also very subtle with their sexuality that is concealed with innocence. However under their concealed persona they’re very powerful and commanding. This is very attractive towards other coworkers. SuperNanny is considered a huge office Siren. Alex from Charlie’s Angels wearing the black latex scene is also considered one.
The new guy at work is such an office siren, those thin glasses don’t hide that sharp jawline and sharp suit as well. I give it one week before all the women in the office ask for his number.
by Aragonroses May 23, 2024
Get the office sirenmug. by MaybeARealWord January 12, 2022
Get the Abandoned Officemug.