die-agnosis 

That dreaded “you only have a short time to live” medical report that a doctor detests having to give, and he fervently hopes that there won’t be an ambulance-chaser within earshot.

Doctor: “Zheesh, I’m not looking forward to presenting that old geezer with my die-agnosis --- knowing him, he’ll likely slap me with a malpractice suit even though I’ve honestly done all I could for him. This aint my fault --- as I've tried to tell him a thousand times before, it’s his own dissipative lifestyle that’s killing him.”

die-agnosis by QuacksO September 1, 2012

self diagnosis

When a person diagnoses themselves based on websites like WebMD and Mayo Clinic.

Step 1: "Owww it hurts"

Step 2: Google where it hurts

Step 3: Examples come up on the search

Step 4: Compare the respective sites

Step 5: Come to conclusion

Jeff googled "irregular pain in the kidney area" to see what was up. WebMD told him that it could just be a muscle strain; this was Jeff's self diagnosis and he decided that was the problem and didn't go to the doctor. 8 months later Jeff found out he had terminal hip bone cancer and that he had only 2 years to live.

Elise had a slight pain in her neck after falling off her bed in the middle of the night and hitting herself. Being a chronic neurotic, she feared for the worst, googled it, just in case. She self diagnosed herself to have had throat cancer. She went to the doctor and found out it was a simple trapezius sprain.

self diagnosis by bpipic April 8, 2010

college diagnosis

A fake type of “diagnosis” a college student would prescribe oneself when they are sick and don’t have a formal medication note from a doctor to get a prescription drug.

Commonly used college diagnosis’s are:

Smoking weed – significantly lessens your feeling of the symptoms of a cold or other illness.

Alcoholic lemonade – alcohol is a depressant which also lessons your feeling of certain symptoms of an illness while incorporating vitamin C to boost your immune system.

"I really feel like shit, I have a cold and it won't go away."

"Why don't you give yourself a college diagnosis?"

college diagnosis by CaelCryos1 March 2, 2009

mcdonald manager diagnosis

when you pass out in the bathroom of a mcdonald's bathroom, and the manager finds you on the floor shivering.

1. hello, sir. i am the manager at mcdonald's. you are dehydrated and are laying out cold on my bathroom floor.

2. hey, that's my dad. he passed out because he won't drink his ensure.

3. hey, you clowns. you're talking about me. i will not drink ensure because i hate fat people, and i don't want to get fat again!!!

4. if you're ill, please go to mcdonald's to get youself a top of the line mcdonald manager diagnosis.

mcdonald manager diagnosis by MCDONALD'S MANAGER December 6, 2012

Self-Diagnosis 

is the process of diagnosing, or identifying, medical conditions in oneself. It may be assisted by medical dictionaries, books, resources on the Internet, past personal experiences, or recognizing symptoms or medical signs of a condition that a family member previously had.

Self-diagnosis is prone to error and may be potentially dangerous if inappropriate decisions are made on the basis of a misdiagnosis.Because of the risks, self-diagnosis is officially discouraged by governments

Self-Diagnosis by BrainonFire October 8, 2019

Self Diagnosis Doctors

People who diagnose conditions without actually having a degree. While some people are proficient at this, many are not.

Steve - "Man, my stomach is really cramped up."
Self Diagnosis Doctors - "You probably have aids."

Self Diagnosis Doctors by StevoPativo March 11, 2011

soft diagnosis 

A sensible diagnosis that has not yet been confirmed through comprehensive testing.

My cat has a soft diagnosis of cancer but I can’t afford all the tests to see for sure.

soft diagnosis by bashasrus666 June 6, 2018