sir bartholomew mctavish's definitions

spongeboob

1:)An idiot. A boob,but who happens to be a fan of the Spongebob Squarepants show.

2:)The perfect breast. Not too big, not too small, not enhanced, glistening slightly with rivulets of water clinging to the surface and nipple. Sponge-like but brilliant. Like a mix betwixt Milla Jovovich's (Pre Preg) and those of Katy Perry.

Bernard: Yo, Mike, you see Spongeboob?
Mike: What? The cartoon?
Bernard: No, the hottie over there, working in that garage on that Subaru.
Mike: What? Where?
Bernard: The one over there cranking that jack now.
Mike: Where man?
Bernard: Fucking THERE! The one whose just spilled all that fucking Castrol GTX on her overalls. Look, she's the one taking off her over...alls.
Mike: We looking at the same garage?
Bernard: Hmm? She's rubbing it off.
Mike: Ooooh, the girl in the RED cap! I see her now. Hey, that's not Cas...trol...thats...Wigwam..qual...this is sweet. (They high-ten, chest bounce then return to perving.)

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish January 1, 2009

shit22

A 'shit22' is similar to a catch22 situation but in which things are far far worse than anyone could imagine.
In essence, a predicament that you would never, ever wish to find yourself in but people like Paul McCartney, John Leslie, Angus Deaton, Gordon Ramsey and Prince Harry keep finding themselves in.
When your wife says she's leaving you halfway through giving her a damn good seeing to and actually thinking of her.
An 'Oh my shitting christ!' moment.

1:) The feeling the dinosaurs had when they saw their friends being vaporised by a shock wave.
2:) When Ginny tells Harry Potter that she's up the duff
3:) Mallory & Irvine's joint feeling at having realised they had forgotten to climb back down.
4:) When Britney realises she's running after K-Fed's car in the nude with half an ounce of coke on her face...a 'shit22'
5:) When Kerry Katona was shown a tape of herself giving herself a Gynaecological examination after coming out of the bath.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish November 25, 2007

Dicktaphone

To put your dick to the telephone speaker when talking to a ladyfriend when she is boring the arse off you about babies or flowers or something else that's all girlyfied.

Dicktaphone is when on the phone to Ann Coulter and she's banging on about politics or crap etc. and you realise you're her husband as your cock falls out of your pants into the reciever.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish August 12, 2008

trinipple

Simple congregruity of 'tri', meaning third and nipple. The correct adjective for a third nipple. Can be pronounced 'try-nipple' but 'trin-ipple' sounds funnier.

Ozzie: Hey, did you see Lily Allen whip out her trinipple?

Keith: No,

Ozzie: Yeah, it was almost down her stomach

Keith: What, like a dogs?

Ozzie: Yeah.

Keith: Does that mean she's part canine?

Ozzie: Hell yeah.

Keith: I'd wouldn't say no to fucking that.

Ozzie: But she wouldn't say yes to you. Dogs still have class. And you're her Dad

Keith: Oh, yeah, still would though. (They high-five eachother.)

Ozzie: (Under his breath) Prink.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish October 19, 2008

trouser cake

A well baked collection of turds which emantes from the anus between six and twelve hours after comestible consumption.
Exactly the same as 'Ass Gravy', 'Balloon-Knot Chutney' and 'Ass Hole Jam' but spelt completely differently.

1:) He saw Shannon Matthews Mum and made trouser cake.
2:) Pornstars never ever have it.
3:) Bradley Pitt's acting abilities.
4:) Britney's career after she went fuck crazy
5:) The average Wii Sports Golf Score

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish April 16, 2008

norktastic

simply congregruity between the word norkand the abbreviated word fantastic.
Meaning 'tits that are fantastic'.

1."Say Chesne, check out the rack on that munter, ok she looks like a Scottish Mastiff having a heart attack in a barrel of kippers, but the juggs sure are norktastic"

2.Lindsay NoHands

3.A drunken moment when your watching Jumpin Jack Flash when Whoopie's skirt is getting shredded and you almost hope those nuggs of her flop out.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish July 11, 2007

bapjizm

The act of baptising a girlfriend, wife, fuck buddy (daughter's?) breast or "baps" region with god's sticky nectar.

PATRICK:I say, did you hear that Tom Baker and Lalla Ward were married in the early 1980s?

SPONGEBOB: No. Bet she got a few bapjizm s off that ex monk ex Time Lord kick ass old dude, who's still on Little Britain.

PATRICK: Sphincter.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish July 25, 2009