nigel fleming's definitions

frustrated wank

The act of masterbating after not having had sex with your partner, but not just anywhere, no, this is done in the same bed as your other half! One must be as quiet as possible so as not to wake up your partner and being caught can results in serious consequences ranging from repulsion to rejection, as I have found out to my cost!

Heh, Nigel, did you get any action last night from your lady?
No chance, that frigid bitch wasn't giving out at all, I had a frustrated wank instead and to be honest, I enjoyed it more than sex!

by Nigel Fleming July 13, 2006

crafty wank

The act of masterbating in secret without anybody noticing. Usually done behind a bush or whilst peering through a gap in the blinds, looking directly at the subject of your filthy attention. A real art when perfected.

I saw a cracking looking girl on the sidewalk outside my house yesterday and couldn't resist knocking off a crafty wank from my bedroom as she stood there!

by Nigel Fleming July 13, 2006

wank mop

Basically, whatever is suitable and close to hand to clean up the mess after a spontaneous, off the cuff, wank. Items such as socks, towels and if necessary, cushion covers will fit the bill for this purpose.

I got myself into a right mess last night,I'd ran out of toilet roll so I had to use my sock as a wank mop.

by Nigel Fleming July 13, 2006

rouse

A Northerners term for a rodent that has the appearance of a mouse from the front, but the long tail of a rat, hence rouse. Seldom seen before nightfall, these shy beasts feed on scraps of waste from Kebab shops and pizza parlours.

I saw what looked like a cross between a mouse and a rat outside that kebab shop last night, I think it was a rouse, bastard thing!

by Nigel Fleming July 15, 2006

do a radcliffe

Noun: To squat down, completely out of the blue, to the shock and disgust of everybody, and proceed to piss everywhere without a care in the world.

Sonya: Fucking hell I'm completely pissed after those beers, I'm just gonna pop over there and do a radcliffe.
Noreen: You fucking dirty bitch, where's your self respect?
Sonya: Ha, that was left in my mothers womb along with my brains when they pulled my sorry arse out!

by Nigel Fleming August 5, 2006

paula radcliffe

Noun: To do a paula radcliffe. The act of not bothering to make much of an effort to win something, unless there is a financial gain to be made. This applies especially when representing your country for nothing when you cannot be arsed compared to winning marathons by a mile where huge sums of cash are involved.

Neil: God I cannot wait to see the rowers at the next Olympic Games.
Nigel: Me too lets just hope they don't do a paula radcliffe on us and save themselves for the Henley Royal Regatta!

by Nigel Fleming August 5, 2006

Musical Shags.

Similar to the kids favourite, musical chairs, only a man will lie on the floor and try to maintain wood. Ladies will then dance over him in a circle wearing no underwear. When the music stops the lady who is on over the man at that time will squat down and shag him for a certain amount of time until the music starts again and the ladies dance once more.

Rupert: Hey, how was your birthday party the other night, did you get up to anything exciting?
Nigel: I had a fantastic night, me and the ladies enjoyed a game of musical shags.I shot my load about ten times!

by Nigel Fleming May 1, 2007